Posted by Kara720 on November 21, 2003, at 13:01:19
I am not sure where to start. I have been battling my whole life on and off with feelings of depression, probably more than your average person, but in the past 5 years I have it has been much more. I am currently 25 and it started when I was going through confusion over my relationship with my then boyfriend. It somehow just hit me one day that I didn't trust I was interested in the relationship anymore or I guess maybe trusted what I wanted with it, but it got to the point where I was obsessing over it. I broke up with him because I couldn't stop obsessing. I thought that was the only route at the point when I did that, but my obsessing didn't stop. I had to start taking medication (first celexa and then effexor xr) to help which did for a while. He moved away, but for about 4 years we had what you might call an on again off again thing. He always wanted to get back together and even asked me to move near him, but anytime I thought of the possibility of getting back together and admitting that to myself, I started to freak out and obsess. I had days where i had to call off work because I couldn't concentrate, and nights when I would wake up with my heart pounding, or sometimes not even fall asleep. Even now that I know he is happy with someone else I still worry about why I could not just go back to him if he wanted too. I felt for so long that the only way the obsessing would end if I just admitted to myself I wanted to get back together and actually did it; that I would freak out at first but after a while things would ease and I would be more comfortable with myself. I also remember I was in the relationship for many months trying to convince myself to stop obsessing over what I wanted. I don't want to do anything harmful to myself, never have and don't ever want to, but there are times when I just feel like there is no end to this. Generally I like life, so why this anxiety over something.
It's been over 5 years. Last week I switched from effexor to prozac, but I hate the fact that I am taking medication at the same time I feel I need it to worry less. There has been alot going on in my life in the past 5 years that also has effected things. My dog of 12 years died, my sister was in jail (she is boarderline personality disorder and was hospitalized most of my teen years), my grandmother died of cancer, and my dad who is 73 was diagnosed with cancer too. He went through chemo and was in remission and recently it came back.
I am rambling I realize, and I don't mean to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. These issues I feel anxious about but I realize I have no control over them, yet with my ex I feel helpless. Why is that? My psychologist says I need to trust my truth. Is it possible that someone who usually takes good care of themselves (excersizes etc...etc..), and usually does what they want to do despite some fears and anxieties, can become so anxious that actually stops them from doing what they want to do? Does that make sense? Everyone who knows me tells me that if I really wanted to get back together with him I would have since I had many opportunities in 4 years, but I still have trouble accepting that. I keep wondering if all along I have really wanted to, and the only reason I haven't stoped stoped feeling anxious is because I am not doing what I wanted. Why am I putting so much pressure on myself to figure this out? Even if I were to "miraclously" hit this point where i feel so confident I want to be back together despit a few anxieties, my situation would not physically change. He would still be in another relationship. I feel very jealous and scared about him being with someone else, but at the same time it feels like a good "excuse" to not have the option to be with him.
I realize this is getting very long now but it helps to write about it. I always had a low self-esteem and questioned myself a lot, and he was the first person to make me feel valuable (aside from my parents). He knew how to make me feel like a queen, but then he would use it to get his way at times too. Many of times I felt like I was in a tug of war game because he could be determined and I am the type who gives in easily to avoid arguement. I just felt it was something small so why not give in a little. As I now know the small things add up. Has anyone else been this confused over a relationship?
poster:Kara720
thread:282132
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031114/msgs/282132.html