Posted by fallsfall on October 10, 2003, at 19:17:56
In reply to Re: I survived therapy, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 21:33:51
You guys are so sweet, and Hannah, your timing is just about perfect - as you will see.
I was so terrified to go to the session, but I knew I had to go. I was looking "terrified" up in the thesaurus to see if there was a stronger word, but there wasn't.
We did a couple of administrative things (I'm going to see my daughter and my son soon, so I'll miss an appointment etc.). Then I think he brought the subject up. I guess he figured if it was a hot enough topic for me to call him between sessions, that it was something we should talk about. So I took a deep breath, and then another, and I opened my mouth, and I shut it. I tried again, and then told him that I really was trying. Finally I shut my eyes, took some calming breaths and was able to say (whisper?) "I searched for you on the Internet". He waited. I don't know what else he was expecting me to say. He said something to let me know that the world hadn't ended, so I could start to calm down.
He said that the Internet was public information, and that he didn't care if I searched for him. He asked me what I found - there is one site with a professional biography and a picture (I like that!), and 2 sites where his wife mentions him. One of those has a picture of their family in front of their boat (a go out into the ocean kind of boat). I told him that what I really wanted to know was what his dog's name was (cute poodle). He paused for a minute, deciding. I wondered if he would tell me his dog's name. He said that the dog's name was Skipper (boat - skipper??), but that Skipper had died. He asked if I had a dog (I have 2 Cocker Spaniels). He told me that Skipper died of a strangulated bowel (or something like that). It was really clear that he loved and missed his dog (this is my blank slate therapist, mind you). I told him it was hard to lose a pet, and he agreed. So I think he was trying to decide whether to tell me that his beloved dog was dead. But he did. He asked a little about what I had found out about my first therapist. She was hard - because her last name isn't the same as her family's last name. I had to jump through a few hoops to find her address and phone number. I only used publically available things that were in my house. But I told him that I wouldn't tell him how I found her address, and he didn't press. I told him his address was easy - his wife is in the phone book. We talked about what was and was not acceptable behavior for me. Refusing to leave his office, hanging out in the waiting room, waiting outside for him to leave were things that he said were not acceptable. My first therapist had said that it was OK to have the information, but not to use it (like calling her at home was not OK). So we clarified the boundaries. He said he didn't see anything wrong with searching.
He asked me why I had searched, even though I knew it would cause me a lot of pain. I told him that I knew it wasn't wrong for me to do. Then he asked why it caused me so much pain. I said that it was painful because I had been punished before for doing that, and so I was scared that I would be punished again. We repeated these two points maybe 4 or 5 times. He asked if I understood what he was saying. I thought so, and reiterrated my view. I said that I knew that they weren't compatible, but that I couldn't bring them together. (It seemed like a black and white issue to me)
He said that he thought I wanted to be punished. Which doesn't make sense to me (yet?). Though I did tell him that I thought that I wasn't "good enough" and that he would find that out anyway (he told me later that he thought that comment was "insightful"). So he thinks that I was acting in such a way that I would be miserable (and I certainly was for the last 1 1/2 years with my previous therapist). I don't know yet if I agree with him.
He was very calm (and calming). He did a lot of explaining how psychology things work (maybe because I said that when something new came up in therapy that I go to the library to find out about it so that I can understand better - i.e. motivation came up recently). He was gentle. He said things that made me know that he recognized that I was working hard. In other words he was really nice to me (reward the patient for talking about something hard).
I was able to look at him more than I have been. Starting at least a year ago with my old therapist I stopped doing eye contact. I think that I didn't want to see the expression on her face, and see how she was feeling about me. I've never done almost any eye contact with him - but Thursday I could look at him more.
I sat by the water for an hour watching the ducks and seagulls. Then I got a pizza (Artichoke hearts, fresh tomatoes and bacon - it is really good), and then I went for ice cream.
It was hard to get to sleep last night, but I took extra meds (PRN) and there was no school today (teacher's workshop) so I got 10 hours sleep!
Today I spent 3 hours at the library putting circulation statistics in a spreadsheet and making graphs. They came out really nice. But by the end of the three hours I couldn't talk in complete sentances any more. I watched a little TV and had dinner. It is now 8PM and I am ready for bed. I'm supposed to teach skating at 8AM tomorrow, and I missed last week because my daughter was sick. So I think that I will call it a night.
Thanks for keeping me company (and keeping me going) through this.
Falls
P.S. Hannah, your campaign to make me feel worthwhile is so perfectly timed to coincide with my "not good enough" feeling. Thank you.
poster:fallsfall
thread:265991
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/268039.html