Posted by GabbiX2 on October 11, 2002, at 18:11:51
I dont' even know what I'm asking really.
I've been diagnosed B.P.D consistantly and for as long as I can remember.
Also A.D.D and Bipolar 2 refractory depression
History of childhood sexual abuse, fairly recent traumatic experiences also.My depression has been helped sporadically for the past ten years, and for a few weeks at a time I did get a glimpse of the reason people value life, and seem to live day to day without finding it excruciating at worst, pointless and boring at best.
Lately its been gruesome, though I'm not as actively 'depressed' as I've been, the years battleing the depression seem to have left me with nothing emotionally or materially to help me keep any positive momentum in my life, and I have no desire to better my situation or even have an idea what would better my situation.
I've never had a problem with substance abuse.
Nothing beyond taking to many tranquilizers because I'd rather sleep than be bored.I'm planning to drink myself into a stupor this weekend I don't know if I CAN (broke) but its conscious I just want to exchange this confusion aimlessness and boredom
for an awful feeling that I can at least name.
I've never been a drinker.I wonder sometimes If I choose to be horribly depressed or suffer medication side -effects just because I have NOT the foggiest notion how to live. If I could find a way to feel nothing until I die I'd choose it. Even at non- lonely most functional best I'd have chosen it.
Its extreme, when I was raped and got pregnant I gave up my son because I just didn't know if I wanted a child or not, it wasn't even a big deal, I just though you know, someone really WANTS this baby, so I'll have him.
Other people's feelings matter a great deal to me, but thats it.
People say time helps but Its my anxiety trigger because anything I may have going for me out of pure luck will be gone by then.Is this a treatable thing, this dislike of life, or am I just to lazy to find anything worthwhile?
I know it may sound like I'm speaking through depression, but (for me) I'm as fine today as I ever have been.Sorry its so long.
poster:GabbiX2
thread:1281
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020829/msgs/1281.html