Posted by BlueSky on April 29, 2008, at 9:19:44
This is pretty scary for me, opening up to strangers, via computer or not. I'm not too technology saavy, but should be able to manage, though just to feel safe I have to say no promises. I'm very much heartened by the idea of a community, however, where love, empathy, sincerity, and brutal honesty apply. The best of the best and the depths of the depths, right?
I just wanted to say hi, hello, I am here, and it's pretty cool and brave that you are too. Kudos all.
I've been up all night, thanks to a little disorder I like to call ANXIETY and SEVERE DEPRESSION, possibly Bi-Polar II, who the heck really knows, even after 14 years...
Blah, blah, blah, I'm sort of experiencing a high here from no sleep and the fact that I feel damn good for once, though incredibly scared of my future. I've been off meds. for five months now (5 tapering, 3 completely off) and have been frollicking between extreme highs and extreme lows. Mostly extreme lows, and to be honest, I think (and hope hope hope with all my silly heart) the "high" days are just a result of feeling good for once in my life and really just appreciating that to the fullest, you know? Like I don't take anything forgranted, EVER. Because I know what it's like to want to die, to want to die so bad you can taste it like that metal-sting of blood in your mouth. I don't want to be there anymore.
So, I'm trying a new anti-depressant, PRESTIQ, which I have high hopes for, because really, if I don't have any hopes, what do I have? My hope has been the only thing that has sustained me, even when it has been absent, my therapist has held on to it for me. Thank the Universe for that, yikes, without it I'd be dead. May it sustain me. May it sustain us all. Thank everything beautiful on earth that someone else understands (many someone else's).
Wow. God. I hope I'm not manic. I hope I'm just happy. I hope I don't crash when the despair returns. If I write back with many different selves, or moods, I have this hope I won't be ashamed of myself, that I'll just let myself BE.
Thanks for the listen, must go before I miraculously explode in bits of my favorite silver confetti--ME
poster:BlueSky
thread:826223
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/newbs/20061013/msgs/826223.html