Posted by Erganslam on September 25, 2007, at 21:21:17
First up, let me anticipate that somebody might not think my sense of loss is consistent with their expectations and might try to relocate my message to another board. You don't have my permission to describe my feelings according to anything but my description. If you feel you need to move this post, just delete it and don't stop to consider how I might feel. I would definitely suffer an untoward feeling if someone minimizes my loss by describing it as a social or psychological interest.
I'm talking about my right to be sad. My right to countenance sorrow. Sorrow others might not share and might not feel appropriate. People have attempted to describe my genuine, long-lasting response to my environment as something other than sorrow -- some try to tell me it is a disease, and that my refusal to accept their definition of my feelings is somehow an affront to them. Maybe if you are reading this, remember it is about me and not about you and kindly remember not to presume what might seem true for you is helpful to me. An attempt to define my life according to some other set 0f circumstances might be harmful to me -- at least it has been harmful to me every time I tried it. I don't know what might happen if someone else tries it, but I'm not inviting anybody to join a guessing game about what is best for me. I'm saying what I've learned is best and will consider accepting support if I find such support to be reliable -- for me.
One thing I am especially sorry about is my job. I hate myself for taking this job. I betrayed myself. I betrayed most of what I ever believed in. It is a good job. It is, supposedly, an honest and, supposedly, helpful endeavor. I know better but I'm not going to say what I do because others who do this might feel put down.What I hate worst about my job is the money I make. I puts me in a social class I don't want to be part of. I suppose I can't say what social class I don't want to be part of, because someone in that class might feel put down. Let me just say that I hate myself for accepting the money and feel it is a crime, though my "crime" would be considered success by most people in the society I frequent, which is considered a reputable and deserving society. I can't say here what I think others deserve, but I can say for certain I don't feel deserving of this, and can't imagine anything I might possibly do that might make me deserve all this service from others. And, by the way, I don't think I'm any less deserving than anyone else, but if you feel put down that I feel I don't deserve something and don't recognize anyone as more deserving, maybe there is an exception and I just haven't found it yet, so don't feel put down over what I didn't say. It's not about you unless you make it about you, then it's only about you and please don't drag me into it.
Point --- I experience long-term sorrow and consider it an appropriate response. I feel my human rights are violated by peers who constantly attempt to censor my free expression of an appropriate reaction. I am constantly pressured (not here, of course, because I don't spend time here, and won't if I feel pressured) to alter my mood to fit certain cultural and dare I say political expectations. If someone doesn't like my feelings, maybe they should take a pill, not me. I don't mean to be facetious --I'm just describing boundaries -- if you don't feel good about my feelings, if you aren't certain what to do about it and think some sort of medicine should be involved, medically alter your feelings, not mine.
I hate myself for taking a responsible job and feel I am a traitor to everything good I ever stood for. I have made myself responsible for a society I feel is grossly irresponsible. In the process I lost the right to express myself and now must live a lie or quit my good job. I think that would be the moral choice. I plan to make the wrong choice and to do what I consider wrong. I've known it was wrong most of my life, but I got tired, and succumbed to peer pressure. I expect society to accept me in all the sorrow that results but instead my human right to countenance my own feelings is constantly under attack.
poster:Erganslam
thread:785196
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20070414/msgs/785196.html