Posted by calamityjane on February 15, 2007, at 15:16:37
For the first time in 20 years, I remembered something about the day my dad died.
I got up - told my brother we were late for school. My mom NEVER got us up late. He told me not to get up so we could stay sleeping, but i didnt listen. I went to the living room and it was filled with people - tons of strangers.
Nobody noticed me, and I didnt see my mom. I wasnt scared, but just confused. I went back to my parents room. My dad was the only one in the room - he was laying on his bed. I had never seen his underwear before and remember feeling embarrassed because he was not covered up. I walked over to him and noticed he looked funny. I poked him and tried to wake him up. Then a bunch more strangers came in - they were medics. I was there watching for a long time, until some guy noticed me and yelled at me to get out. I started crying, and I still couldnt find my mom. A lady I didnt know noticed me running around the house. She took me and asked if we could sit together. She held me in the living room. Then the stretcher passed us and my dad was covered in a sheet. I asked her why he was covered. She said so he would not get cold when they went outside.
I had THOUGHT I had this memory awhile ago, but when I asked my aunt she told me I had created a "false memory" and that I was safe and sound in my room when they took him out. But then I got the chance to speak with the lady I sat with that morning. She told me it had all happened. She gave me more details. I was devastated because I felt as though my mother and aunt had tried to steal away the only memory I had. In addition, I was greatly upset that they did not take care of me that morning. That I was alone with my dead father at the age of 5 just bothers me, I guess. I wouldnt let that happen to my daughter - who is also five right now.
Anyway, I discovered it was a suicide 10 years later. He didnt write me a letter. My mom, aunt and grandma threw away all the things he had written. WHY why why did they do that? I cant forgive them for taking his things away from me like that.
And of course, as I mentioned, he didnt even write me a letter.
poster:calamityjane
thread:733091
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20051017/msgs/733091.html