Posted by Tanzanite on March 6, 2006, at 2:40:28
I have been messed up for awhile wishing I could go back to the somewhat "normal self" I was so long ago. It brings tears to my eyes to know I may never find that peace of mind again. I was always persecuted for who I was because I stood up for myself under bad circumstances, then upon marriage when I thought I was finally safe and accepted...and in love...I don't feel like I belong anywhere. It is as if I am in mourning for losing my own identity, as well as mourning the possibility that this committment between myself and the one I love the most in this world will shatter as well. Maybe it was already broken. I am not quite sure. I just am in a pickle for sure. What a funny word huh? One big huge pain in the neck pickle. If I leave, I go back to where I was persecuted. If I stay, it will be either to battle this ongoing battle trying to get through to the one I love, or it will end in a bitter split which I don't think I could handle. I am so lost. I sure wish I had something to cuddle with. I wish I could go back and make some changes. I feel like I should start wearing black and a veil or something and take a vow of silence around here (this house). Then I would never cause any trouble. Sad thing is, you are supposed to be able to go to the ones you love...not have to walk on eggshells. I will be praying much tonight(or this morning where most are as well.) I hope that I will find a way through all this. NO matter what. I want to find out who I am now and where I belong.
No one should have to feel unaccepted and unloved. NO one.
Tanzanite
poster:Tanzanite
thread:616488
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20051017/msgs/616488.html