Posted by cockeyed on May 22, 2005, at 21:39:47
AMDG we used to head up our work with those letters when I was"back in seminary school" and still "petitioning the lord with prayer" And thank you Mr. Morrison. guilt and grief are such...i don't know, one minute you're a deer scarfing some buds and then a bolt from a cross-bow, sort of like Jove hurling the thunderbolt, you're hit. I can't get away from it, this damn looping mind of mine, always fooling me with lousy rhymes, always fooling around so I won't go there where I want to go. How silly is this: I embarrassed my six year old grandson when I brought him to school. BFD? Yeah, it is to me. I've been haunting the daily obituary, stalking for friends from A to Z. No, actually back*sswards. Like picking at scabs. So my step-daughter calls and asks me to baby sit and would I mind taking my grandson to school, hey, no problemo. Then the stinger. Please don't make faces at the other little kids or talk to them, etc. because ...embarrassment. My god but I know about that from when I was a kid and the dread I still feel. And all this time a close friend is in ICU with CHF and fluid on the lungs but everything is looking rosy. Oh, yeah. T-Bone Burnett sang "Watch out for the trap door." And lord do I not want to drink, or trank, or smash, or turn the amp to 11 and roar. So here I bes playing with these keys, I guess, trying to run this damn thing out of my chest. That's where I feel this...horror? Or merely unease. I CAN"T GET OUT OF UPPERCASE> GREAT that worked so the panic is gone. Last year my best friend was being poisoned by chemo and I knew it wouldn't work and I was there when he died and I got down on my knees and prayed he'd go when they pulled the plug. my prayer was answered. Not that he'd live, just that he'd get the hell out of here. I don't know what's right or wrong. I seem to be screwing up right along. Beware the well intentioned. This seems so puny, writing this stuff, grieving because I'm an embarrassment. But maybe that's god's little joke and I can play my little violin and feel a little sorry for myself. There's always tv and chocolate. cockeyed.
poster:cockeyed
thread:501446
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20041230/msgs/501446.html