Posted by RoseyReel on December 13, 2004, at 12:46:10
Hello to All in this welcome site,
I haven't checked in for awhile and would like to thank Jubilee, CrazyCharlie, and everyone for their previous responses. My heart is warmed with all the help and support and pleased if my contributions are of help to others. Jubilee, I am especially pleased to hear that my contribution was encouraging to you and that you are continuing on your brave journey. Remember, that your children know that you are there when they need you, and that some roads must be traveled alone in quiet contemplation. Encouragement and blessings to you and yours.
My constant crying jags over the loss of my son have abated and naturally revisit from time to time. When they do, I greet them as you would an old friend, and as a welcome and much needed release of emotion. I miss him incredibly, still, occasionally forgetting that he is gone.
I have made it through Thanksgiving---Christmas, the hardest--is coming. A couple of weeks ago, I found myself making out a Christmas List for gifting. I found that I simply could not leave Ed's name off the list, so next to his name, I entered: Love, rememberance and candles. These will always be my gifts to him.
In the meantime, I have experienced the loss of a marriage not to be, or desired to be recovered. This may seem cold, however, most of our almost 7 years of marriage was frought with numerous daily fights, and though there is a particular sadness within me for the sheer loss of it, it was very tremultous. A quiet calmness has entered my life that is most welcome. I have lots of peace now and need to get used to figuring out just what to do with the quiet spaces. Once again, I find myself unable to get back into my daily routine--sort of like losing my trip planner and having to plan out a new route.
Last year, my husband came home in such an unexplainable rage, I was in fear for my safety, dialed 911, and had him removed and barred with an exparte order. I was later told by someone more knowing than I that "it sounded as if he may have had a 'psychotic break'. During the week and half I actually kept him out of the house, I kept trying to figure out why his continuous bizarre behavior kept me in such a state of confusion all the time. So, during his absence, I started doing some extensive computer research in the psychology arena. Not knowing just where to begin, I started by typing the description of the general behavior I had tagged him with,"Jekyl and Hide". I was literally barraged with hundreds of links. What I found out was a total revelation experience as to why I had been living my relationship with him in complete ongoing daily confusion, frustration, and drama.
Now, I may be scolded for this novice evaluation, but when you live with someone who doesn't have a clue that something is wrong, doesn't want to admit it, or get help for it, somewhere along the line you need to get some answers. I am certainly no psychology major, but I knew something was wrong and I looked into psychology behavior scoring parameters and came up with him hitting a score of 8 out of 10 on a constant daily basis for Borderline Personality Disorder, and of course encompasses lots of other problems as well. What I found out certainly did explain his continual, daily picking and turning everything around on me because he had to be right and couldn't be wrong, so "I'm right", his constant need for immediate forgivness only to immediately pursue another heated argument. (You would have to look it up to get it all--it's way to extensive--everything is totally black and white for him--no gray areas at all). His personality is so constantly competitive that he would pick fights on any level so he could conquor and win. This has been my marriage on a daily basis for almost 7 years. I corresponded back and forth with someone more knowledgeable than me who had personal experience with this and he graciously commended me for having stuck with it that long, and wished me luck, strength, and safety if I chose to stay with it. And thinking that, at the time, I at least had a grasp and explanation of what was going on, I decided to stick with it.
Why would I stay in such a marriage, you ask? I'm a diehard fixer (correctly known as an "enabler"). If it's broken, you fix it or give it enough time to repair itself. If it's still broken, you fix it or give it enough time to repair itself . . . . (Sound like anybody else out here?) He couldn't stay employed, changed friends like underwear (I think they got tired of his whining and talking about himself all the time), and basically would do nothing for himself to improve his lot in life. After all, why should he when he had me to blame and take care of his every need?
During the past year though, when it came right down to it, I just wanted to end the marriage and remain in my home. I was just lucky enough to find proof of the one thing to make him leave instead of me having to pack up and move the contents of my apartment.
Now for me, comes the really curious part of this in the numerology thread that seems to keep weaving itself into my life. I've hit on this in a previous post on the death of my son, Ed.
I found out for sure on the 26th of November, (something I had already strongly suspected before) about an ongoing relationship my husband had been having for at least a year. Now, my son's birthday was on the 13th of August, at which time he had lived 26 years (having just turned 27), and died on the 26th of August. On the 26th of November I found out about my husband's relationship because he unknowingly left a few things accessible on the computer and I just acted on a whim, clicking on just the right thing at the right time. I have to wonder if I had just a little "push" from Ed in that direction. (You would wonder too, wouldn't you?)
Anyway, it seems my life has been too full lately of those things that fall into the category of "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I'm definitely ready for a nice long break here, a little rest between all that "making you stronger" stuff. I guess you could say, the end of my marriage is my "rest", (Ed would certainly say so). But, along with it comes more tedius, costly and lengthy legal matters.
For those of you who may be grieving the loss of a relationship, something to think about might be that the loss of a relationship, though it may feel heartwrenching to you, is not necessarily negative. Sometimes, as I was, we are so into "fixing" the person we love, we lose site of the fact that we are letting ourselves be used as the other person's psychological "whipping post"; Blaming us, making us feel guilty and responsible for their inabilities to accept and take action for themselves. (After all, misery loves company, right?) And if they're too lazy or unwilling to fix their own problems and you seem all to eager to take the blame, they can continue on as they were before, making half-hearted attempts while complacently laying the problem in your lap to fix for them and take the blame if you can't.
My daughter once told me to make a list, two columns (four if you like). At the top of each one, label them: What they give, what you get (from them), what you give, what they get (from you). Everyone, on and off through a relationship may give or receive more or less at times (after all, life really isn't black and white), but the list should be somewhat balanced even in its' compensations.
And before going into any relationship, make a list in order of importance of those qualities both acceptable and unacceptable to you and if you concede on any of them, make sure they even out somewhere, that a couple of weaknesses in smaller areas genuinely made up for in the larger attributes of that person. Then, recheck that list from time to time to make sure the attributes that drew you to them are genuine and stable--not those that are "the best of us" which we all give in the beginning.
(Hey, I know it seems cold and calculating, but it worked for her and she's got a jewel of a guy, not without faults-he's only human), but a jewel of a guy!)With all of this said, and on a lighter note,I wish everyone a peaceful and joyous holiday season, full of warm memories of those gone from our lives and happy celebrations--making memories with those we are fortunate to share them with.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND GOOD CHEER TO EVERYONE!! :)Rosey
poster:RoseyReel
thread:428922
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040811/msgs/428922.html