Posted by HJBabble on March 22, 2004, at 15:32:24
I've looked at a couple of similar threads on this board and it looks like I've found the right place.
Here's my story:
I met my current partner at the end of high school (that was 20 years ago). We dated for about a year just after I graduated before she broke it off and hurt me in the process. We hooked back up in University where she chased me relentlessly (I didn't want to be hurt again) until I finally gave in (slowly at first - only admitting it was a fling). We dated and partied together for a while and fell in love and then I moved away for 4 months for a job so we kind of broke up (we never really agreed we were on a break, but we discussed it). While I was gone she partied a lot and fooled around a bit with other people but we still got back together after the 4 months and moved in together (again at her insistence - I didn't think we were ready).
After that our love grew for a long time and we have 3 wonderful children. We seemed to agree on mostly everything important and we were best friends. Our love went through ups and downs (especially on her side as I later found out), but our friendship was always there. A couple of years ago she started to get depressed and feel bad about our relationship. I didn't know what to do about it but I just kind of tried to ride it out. To tell you the truth I don't remember a lot about that period (I think I'm blocking it out), but I know that's when my depression started as well. I was also (am still) having a bad time in my career and I think the relationship and career fed off each other until I became quite depressed.
Through all this I guess I was not treating her very well (not buying her birthday gifts, etc. and not making my love clear) but I was in the mindset that I was worthless and nothing I did was worth doing for her, etc.
Anyway, last summer she had a talk with me and told me that I had to snap out of my depression, start treating her and the kids better (I was often short tempered), or she was leaving. I didn't take this very well, but I did take it to heart and felt I improved greatly and our relationship also seemed to improve. We were more intimate and even our sex life (which had been in a rut) was improving. Then all of a sudden she seemed to drop off of a cliff and become very distant and I was confused and floundering. I eventually opened up to her in a diary/letter and she decided she had to let me know what she was feeling, which was that she 'didn't feel the same way' about me any more.
It has been 6 months since that day (October 9) and nothing much has changed. We are still living together. I still hurt constantly and want our relationship to continue/start again. She still sees me as her best friend but is not interested in a romantic or sexual relationship.
We ended up going for therapy which turned into individual therapy for her midlife issues and my depression. The therapy helped me a LOT as far as self esteem, etc., but I can't shake the hurt of still wanting a relationship with her.
We have discussed moving out. Me moving out is the most practical and I'm looking into it, but the thought of it saddens me. In fact I was moving forward with the idea and looking at houses, arranging mortgage, etc. But then things seemed to get a bit better again. She asked me out (we ended up not going because her brother came to town) and I was feeling that there was hope (again, it has been up and down, latest down was when she went out on a date when on a trip to the UK a couple of weeks ago) and as a result I was in better spirits last weekend than I had been in probably 6 months. I really had a good time chatting with her, her brother and a couple that we hang around with (her best friend, who also has issues with her relationship).
Anyway, I was feeling hopeful and then we talked last night and it all came crashing down again. It started positively enough, she said it was too weird that I was looking at houses and maybe I should stop. When we got into it more though, she still wanted to live 'separate lives', but didn't think she could live without me as a close friend/roommate/whatever. I told her I couldn't be the friend she wanted me to be, that she could discuss the relationships she was starting with other men (which is what she did with this guy she met in the UK). She said "but I need you to be" and started crying a bit(which she never does).
So now I don't know what to do. I still don't think I can be that friend she wants me to be. I don't even think I can live with her while she starts other relationships, but that is what she wants now. On the other hand, I think it would be better for the kids if we did continue living together (or would it if I end up continuing to be miserable all the time).
I don't know what to do. I feel like crap again and I don't see a good way forward.
HELP ME!
poster:HJBabble
thread:327087
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040220/msgs/327087.html