Posted by LostGirl on December 4, 2003, at 12:53:04
Most of what I read about people's losses are, of course, how devastated people are over their losses.
I am a little different. My parents were elderly. He died a year and a half ago, she died about 6 months ago. There were tremendous demands on me regarding their illnesses and their care and handling everything for them in the end. I know I did the best and most for them possible. However, I did not really like them much as people, and they were always distant, unaffectionate and unsupportive as parents. Prior to their deaths I was in therapy over marital issues, and the therapist had me really dig into childhood, which resulted in me really resenting them a lot for a lot of things they did that they shouldn't have and things they should have done and didn't. While I gained a lot of insight into myself and my marriage, I also grew to resent them a lot. Then they got sick, became my over-riding concern as I tended to everything for them despite the resentment, then they each died. I do not feel devastating grief. I feel minor loss. Cleaning out their house was hard, but not unbearable. It seems like they are missing at holidays and other occasions, but it is not heart-wrenching. The loss I feel is more that I lost out on having caring, loving, affectionate, supportive parents in the first place. Parents unable to give praise despite all my accomplishments, or to encourage or reward the good things I did.
Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me to not feel grief stricken, but the relationship was never that loving because they were incapable. I wonder if anyone else has a similar experience.
poster:LostGirl
thread:286546
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/286546.html