Posted by Susan J on October 4, 2003, at 13:17:29
In reply to Re: Thanx folks..Susan, Dinah, Shar » Susan J, posted by jay on October 4, 2003, at 2:57:25
Jay,
> That's what scares me *so* much, is those 'black' moods.
<<I know the feeling totally. Get a little better and become terrified of where you once were....>> I felt that was 'it'...game over...end of story. Yeah, I crumpled under it all.
<<That's enough to crumple anyone. That's really rough.
>
> I used to wonder..."if someone survives something like this...what kind of person come out the other end?" That goes for all of us, with so many different loses. There is still some kind of small, flickering light in me that thinks yet a better person can come of all of this, despite all of the baggage and scars.
<<I *totally* believe that! You are better for having known the special people in your life. That is the gift they gave to you, that is part of the value of their lives.And the grief/depression/pain is life-changing as well, regardless of the cause. People who've been through it and deal with it become more empathetic, wiser, more understanding of the human condition. It's a high price to pay, but that really could be a priceless gift.
I think you mentioned you don't really believe in God or an afterlife, and I don't blame you at all. I generally have a *very* strong belief in God, but that's been tested with this depression I've gone through. How could such horrible things, horrible pain, settle on any one person for so long? I still don't get that.
But it doesn't stop me from talking to people who have passed away. I ask my grandmother all the time what she thinks of something, please give me a sign about what I should do. I have to say no one has ever answered back. :-) But it still makes me feel better. They are still a part of my life. It's different, no doubt. But just the talking out of a problem or something with a loved one who has passed away, thinking about how they'd respond, what advice they'd give, is helpful to me. It brings back fond memories, makes me feel close to them even though they are gone, and reaffirms how special they were to me.
But I've also never lost a child, or anyone young for that matter. The people in my life who have died have been fairly old and had done everything in life there was to do. Love, lost, built, destroyed, achieved, failed, they were human. Death fascinates me and I think of it as a new journey to take where whatever is on the otherside is going to be interesting, to say the least. This does *not* mean I want to take that journey anytime soon, but I see it as a wonderful next step after having lived a full life. I know that doesn't help with the loss of your daughter and girlfriend, but maybe it might give you some comfort for the older people in your life. My grandmother wasn't afraid to die. Not ever. She was afraid of living a horrible, meaningless life. She was afraid of suffering a stroke that left her mentally or physically incapacitated. And I have to agree. I don't think I'm a strong enough person to live with a large disability. Death is *not* the worst thing there is. I'd have to say intractable depression has *got* to be worse than death.
I've rambled. I hope something I wrote helps a bit. Throw away the rest. :-) I'm thinking of you. I'm glad you are feeling better. Keep taking care of yourself.
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:263015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/265531.html