Posted by cockeyed on July 29, 2005, at 1:31:19
In reply to can we have a Group Prayer of faith, posted by rjlockhart98 on July 28, 2005, at 20:13:57
Matt, I've read some of your stuff. Why the heck I'm on this board tonite...well, I believe/don't believe...and I can't really talk about faith. But there is 'kindness' and I mean it in a special way. I feel a bit stupid offering this flimsy advice. Except it worked for me. I was hiding in my cellar, drunk on depression. And everything collapsed on me. I was probably drunk, but that doesn't matter. I just quit. [not drinking] I just quit trying to feel better. I fell on the damn cellar floor and tried bargaining with god...my bargain was really lame. I'd come to the end of my road. I cursed him for a bastard or such, all the while
prostrate on the floor. I didn't need any rehearsal all my exits were shut. And I was so damn miserable, I just gave up and lay there crying on the floor. I told him I didn't give a damn, I was going to close my eyes, hold my nose
and leap into the vacuum of faith. That's what it was too me, a place empty, a figment of wishful thinking....I just damn well gave up. And I just told him and myself whatever happened I'd do anything to change my life. Maybe because I was lying on the floor, maybe because there was no escape, I took a leap into the dark and asked him to give me "faith?" I don't really know. But I knew nothing was right with me
and... to this day, I don't know what happened. I remember getting up and going for a long walk. Something had changed and I've no clue what it was but I could live a little bit starting that grey february day. Whatever happened it work because that excruciating cancer that was eating up my soul was temporarily at bay. Not much. But just enuff to keep me going one more day...And I knew it, and I felt it. Maybe not much of a miracle, but, lord, I still bless that day. I just lay on the floor and I said "no more" [no more of what I can't say] Just gave up and leaped into the dark. And that's about all I can say. there was something or someone there who helped me up and got me through...frankly, days of hell. Nothing to do but pace up and down all day. I hope this helps. To be honest, I think falling on the floor and crying sent a message to me, that I was way the hell off worse than I thought or I pretended to be. Good luck; days of hell pass slowly. For all I know they may be prayers for others suffering out there. cockeyed.
poster:cockeyed
thread:535035
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20050510/msgs/535191.html