Posted by Impermanence on May 8, 2004, at 19:58:30
In reply to Re: feeling or faith???, posted by Jai Narayan on May 7, 2004, at 21:42:02
I felt like you Ivan at one time, as I got older and my life started falling apart I looked to God for answers and just felt more confused. The deeper I looked into religion the more scientific I became and found no logic or reason in any "blind faith", this in turn left me feeling empty and guilty as I was brought up a catholic.
My mother (a devout catholic) had a life changing experence on a pilgrimage in a holy place called Medjugorje in Yugoslavia where the Virgin Mary is said to appear regularly and has done for many years. I was destroying my life with alcohol and drugs and my Mother persuaded me to go a few years ago. I can't say I had a life changing experence (I'm still battling my addictions and depression) but I did find a sense of calm there I have never felt anywhere else and I plan to go back sometime. People there had a presence about them and where full of joy.
Over the last few years I have read many books that are changing my life, the first of which was "Awareness by the beautiful Anthony De Mello", this book when I first read it about five years ago really did open my eyes and I became very interested in spirituality. I found myself going through phases of being very "Aware", meditating and understanding the true nature of mind, and then falling back into my sleeping unhappy mind. I became a very deep thinker and found myself getting frustrated at not having "answers". I challenged and questioned anybody I could on their believes and tried to have a deeper understanding of all religions.
When I started to read about Buddhism I found logic, it made alot of sense to me and the deeper I looked into it the more I liked it.
The "Tibetan book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche is the most important book I've ever read, it has changed me, but has not made me a Buddhist. I still consider myself a christian but in a very different way. I love Jesus but not as God. I love him for the enlightened being he was, the guideline for happy living he gave us and the suffering he went through to prove to us his undying love.
There is truth in all religions and a path to enlightenment in all, I don't look to deep into the "man-made" rules and regulations handed down from a time of a God of fear. I know now whats truly important, that is love, compassion and understanding of all living things, not just to know it but to practice it. I try to meditate every day and this helps me see through the illusions of life, not to be so attached to the bullshit world we have built and have a true understanding of my negative emotions which ALL stem from fear (the true satan).
I pray to Jesus from time to time and find peace in it, just as muslims find peace praying to allah, there is no right or wrong, it's all the same God at the end of the day, it just depends on where you where born.
I don't worry much about what will happen when I die; purgatory, reincarnation maybe just nothing and I know now I will never have the answers, only theories and ideas. What I do know is living in the moment, seeing the world through fresh eyes like that of a child, being at one with the universe does make you happy and gives you a trust in God. I don't have to know what God is anymore, I never will while I'm alive.
I'm on a journey and the deeper I look the less words and thoughts I find, just a neverending love. Don't be afrid to question what you've always been told, to fear looking in another direction is the very thing that will kill your sprit. God loves you, just learn to trust God is there.
I sometimes feel lost like you, but meditation has helped me wake up. I plan to go on a Buddhist retreat sometime soon for a few weeks or even months, I know things will be clearer then.
Take care on your own journey brother.
poster:Impermanence
thread:344365
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20040408/msgs/344898.html