Posted by Dena on December 26, 2003, at 14:39:24
In reply to The year 2003, posted by rayww on December 25, 2003, at 22:51:04
Dear Rayww -
I knew we could count on you to bring the focus down to a question of faith!
You wrote:
>>What would you say has been your greatest leap of faith this past year, and in what ways have you grown spiritually? ... Was 2003 a friend or foe?
Hmmm... My leap of faith has been to trust God when things went far differently than I wanted or expected.
After my 7th child was born, I was overwhelmed. Not just because of so many children, but for many reasons (among them, my husband's health; he was dealing with the repurcussions of Grave's disease, & things were tough, basically being a "single" parent). Since we don't use birth control, I prayed that God would close my womb. I wanted to be done with having babies. I loved my 7, but I was 41, & seven means "perfection & completion" in the scriptures, so I wanted to be finished. I felt it was time to move on.
God had other plans.
Due to my husband's health, we were sexually abstinent for 14 months (not that I minded - my antidepressant had basically killed off my desire anyway). When my husband had recovered, we made love again (it was his birthday, after all - anyone want to guess how many of our children were conceived on his birthday?), & voila! We conceived.
Adjustment time: we're both over 40, we already have more children that is politically correct, & I'd sincerely prayed for my womb to be closed. It didn't take long for me to become thrilled - I love being able to participate in the miracle of life, & I've been populating my corner of the planet with darned cute children.
Eight weeks later ... while my husband is 3,000 miles away, I start bleeding. I miscarried my son, Samuel (don't ask me how I know he's a boy, I just know). There was nothing I could do to stop it. I was in agony, alone, bleeding in my bathroom by myself, & I knew I had a choice -- to believe in the goodness of God or to be bitter against Him.
Some people, in their well-meaning way, told me that perhaps this was God's way of telling me to stop having children. I don't buy it. Why would God answer my prayer to close my womb with a child, only to "take" that child away to "teach me a lesson"? That's not the God I know & serve.
God gave me that child for a short time, for reasons known only to Him. Perhaps to bring me to that point of trusting Him more. Perhaps to allow the child to be a part of this family long enough to know how to pray for us in heaven. I don't know. I know my child is real, & that he lives on in the presence of God. I know I'll get to meet him face to face one day. I know that this life is but a brief prelude to the real life that's to come - it's a test, a proving ground, a preparation for the true life in eternity.
I knew all this before, but losing my child brought it home to me in a deeper way.
Ever since I lost him, I've been hoping to conceive again, but I can't make it happen. I've done all the things one does to ensure conception, but still, it's not up to me. So, the lesson continues - am I going to trust God in this, regardless of the outcome, or am I going to become bitter against the hand He's dealt me?
He gets the final say, which is how it should be, how it ultimately is.
2003 has appeared to be a foe, but all that comes to me is my friend, if I allow myself to see it as coming from Him - knowing that all things work together for my good, as I'm conformed into His likeness.
Thanks for the question.
Shalom, Dena
poster:Dena
thread:292869
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20030908/msgs/293541.html