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Re: Dinah Others--Religion in Therapy » HannahW

Posted by Dinah on September 15, 2003, at 16:29:57

In reply to Dinah Others--Religion in Therapy, posted by HannahW on September 13, 2003, at 22:43:14

> Dinah--After reading The Source made you a firm agnostic, how did you move beyond that to a faith you're comfortable with? How long did it take, and what prompted the change?
>
> I catch myself praying a lot before I remember, "Oh, yeah, I don't believe that anymore." I miss believing, and I want to believe. I just don't want to believe because I NEED to think there is Someone in control, I want to believe in something I'm convinced is TRUE. I'm interested in hearing the process you went through.
>

I read The Source as part of the required reading for a required world religion class at a religious institution. I don't know if the instructor was an atheist or he just wanted us to examine our faith and come to a more mature level of faith from that. I had come from a home where I was raised in the religions of both my parents. They were pretty incompatible, since both religions were based on divine revelation and claimed to be the one true religion. Obviously they both couldn't be, so I was already set up with a dilemma. I was the kid that wanted to organize my friends to visit all different sorts of churches each Sunday so that we could decide for ourselves which one was "true" and not just accept the faith of our fathers.

From the time I read The Source and became an agnostic to the time I was able to fully embrace faith once again, well it was probably fifteen years. During that time I would periodically read and pray for guidance and was quite discouraged that my prayers were met by resounding silence.

When my son was born, there was a new urgency to the matter. I went back to the church I had most closely identified with in childhood. I read as much as I could on that church, and prayed as fervently as I could for guidance. I tried to free myself of preconceptions and listen for the still small voice to help me regain my faith. Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't expect more than the still small voice, but I wouldn't have minded a divine revelation complete with trumpets.

To my intense sorrow, I eventually came to realize that I wasn't going to be able to fully accept the doctrines of the childhood church I loved. And it wasn't a church that allowed you to pick and choose what parts you believed.

So I widened my net. I read voraciously about all religions. I listened for the still small voice (or the sound of trumpets). I eventually went back to the basics. Did I believe in the existance of God.

I read all I could on science and faith. I discovered that if the earth's orbit was more elliptical than it was, that it would not be conducive for life. I found that we escaped many meteors because of Jupiter's larger gravitational pull. I began to see how truly miraculous it was that life could exist as we know it. How terribly fragile the entire thing was, while also being so robust and self repairing. And my conclusion (and I'm sure others have examined the same information and come to different conclusions) was that it was more improbable to think of the whole thing happening by chance than it could ever be to believe in a guiding force. I must confess that I was probably predisposed to come to the conclusion that there was a God, but I discovered to my relief that that conclusion was not incompatible with reason. So my first step back to faith was to develop a belief in the existance of God.

From there, I read even more. I listened to that still small voice that was growing stronger. I discovered that my soul is thoroughly Jewish. My heart resonated to the writings of Jewish theologians and philosophers. Unfortunately I was in a the body of a woman raised Christian, married to a Christian man. I went to the Rabbi to discuss my dilemma. He told me that God cared more for unity in the family than He did where I worshiped or when. I grudgingly agreed with the truth of that. I started to read and research again. I found a church whose doctrine I could mostly agree with, and that was content to let me agree to disagree with the rest. I was honest about my feelings to my pastor, and was accepted anyway. My husband found that he too was in agreement with the doctrine of the church so we joined as a unified family.

I had to do some work at that point, to decide to make the leap of faith on a lot of the smaller points. I'm probably a heretic by church standards, although my thinking wouldn't have been all that heretical until the Council of Nicea which didn't happen until well into the history of the church. And I consider myself a Jamesian Christian rather than a Pauline Christian. I keep many of my views to myself, although as I said, my pastor is aware of them. He blandly assures me that the church is in favor of independent study of the Bible and understands that different conclusions can be reached.

My spiritual journey is by no means complete, and my current understanding will probably grow and mature. But overall I'm not unhappy that The Source shook my faith. I feel like my faith has grown, in a way that it might never have grown if it hadn't been challenged. And I've finally gotten in touch with that still small voice I've been trying to cultivate from my youth. Although if I ever get the divine revelation, trumpets and all, I'll probably check myself into the nearest mental health facility. :)

Standard disclaimer: This was my faith journey alone. Others have equally valid viewpoints and any conclusions I have come to are merely right for me, not anyone else. Anything that didn't feel right for me just didn't feel right for me and almost certainly were the right choice for many many others. My still small voice does not claim infallibility or to be the sole owner of "The Truth". I respect all paths.

 

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