Posted by ElaineM on December 26, 2006, at 10:04:47
I'm having some anxiety feelings about everything that I've eaten the past couple of days (really the past week). The thing I've been going through lately, and also being with my family yesterday has me eating as a destraction, but also as a preemptive strike against ready-to-pounce, I-told-you-so comments. A la: "Look! Watch me shove "higher energy holiday food" into my mouth. I'll even have this, and a taste of this." Cause I know that they watch me for any AN signs to poke through so they can say something along the lines of, "Here we go again with THAT!" or "You won't even try X's dish? That's rude." or any other variation.
The thing is, I do agree with them -- it's just hard enough for me to deal with the thoughts when they're in my own head, nevermind when the same ones are used as smart-@ss comments by people who've always mocked me about my disorder. I know it's silly to not eat things. I know a time like Christmas is once a year. I know the pleasure I can give a relative (I care about) by enjoying something they made, is worth a million times more than a silly, superficial pound or whatever. I KNOW all of this. And I FEEL all of it. But that doesn't make it easy.
I'm trying to tell myself that one day, or even, one week won't make me blow-up. And that even if I do gain, it's probably needed. EVen if it wasn't - it's ultimately inconsequencial. It's life. When every Christmas comes, and someone else I love is missing forever, my weight (whatever it is) is a d@mn ridiculous thing for me to waste time, emotions and even tears on. I get so friggin angry with myself. My tears should be for love of others, NOT for my scale, and NOT for pity over what it says. I have worse things in my life that deserve my focus. But I just can't help it, and it makes me want someone to knock some sense in me. I want a normal brain back :(
I'm stronger than ever in terms of AN thoughts (probably cause of my other medical problems), but more vulnerable than ever too (with something else I'm going through). And I guess I just hope that a slip doesn't come. Well I do more than hope, cause hope is not enough to fight such a horrible thing. I just want to be normal. I want to be strong. I want to not care. ANd I'm trying, but sometimes it feels like I don't have enough left. I know that I can't back down cause I love another more than myself, and I will not let my ED hurt them, and I'm trying to not let the AN disrespect any functionality [is that a word?] I have left in this broken down body. I don't want to waste any ability to digest. I don't want to waste the ability to walk. I did not know these things were so wonderful and precious before :'( I will never be healthy again, but I don't want to be any sicker :'(
THis might not mean anything to anyone else, but this was in one of the first books I ever read on ED's. I picked it off their bookshelf when dragged into treatment the first time. It's called "Bulimarexia: The binge/purge Cycle" . IT didn't mean anything then, but from the time I commited more to doing well, this one part really really helps me. I read it from my notes when I struggle [like I am now :(] to remind me of what I'm doing. It's an older book so forgive anything that paints it so. And it often says bulimarexia, but it applies to any ED really cause purging and starving can be the same thing. It's just special to me - even if I am/was just anorexic. Here goes...
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HABIT:
Bulimarexia [itself] is NOT a disease; it is a *learned* behavior that can be unlearned.RESPONSIBILITY:
Bingeing and purging will continue unless the bulimarexic stops blaming other people and/or circumstances (ie. “I flunked the exam because I binged” really means “I flunked it because I didn’t study”) [also, “Work too stressful, had to binge” “X was mean to me, so I restricted”]) Take *responsibility* for the behavior.WHY:
Let go of the “Whys” because you can never be sure if you are right. Ask instead: “What do I get from bingeing and purging, [starving or using]?” Then you will have some idea of what might replace these destructive behaviors.PAST/FUTURE/PRESENT:
“What tense am I in?” Give up dwelling on yesterday as well as rehearsing for tragedy in the future. Devote energy and attention to the *moment*. That’s where you can make an impact.EXPECTATIONS:
Let go of expectations and begin *honest* Goal Contracting. Expectations lead to disappointment, which fosters bulimarexia. Goals do not imply outcome, but represent a commitment to TRYING.PAIN:
Think of pain as a precursor to CHANGE, not a precursor to bingeing [starving or using] [“I’m in pain, gonna change the way I’ve come to react” instead of, “I am in pain, gonna binge/purge/starve”]. Learn FROM your pain, NOT how to avoid it. Don’t court pain, but use it to motivate risk-taking. *Acting* rather than reacting is key to the process of change.RISK TAKING:
Be willing to step into the unknown without being absolutely certain of the outcome. Progress is dependant upon trying new ways of living. If you don’t like the outcome, you can go back to the way you were. Few things in life are irreversible.TOXIC WORDS:
Eliminate such words can “can’t”, “forever”, and “never” from your vocabulary. They are steeping-stones to perfectionism and to ultimate self-defeat. There are no bionic people!POWER:
Don’t give up power by allowing others to control you. Don’t say yes when you really mean no. Take a careful look at your “audience”. Stop being a “people pleaser”, and start making your OWN mistakes.MISTAKES:
Nobody’s perfect, so when you make a mistake stay in the here and now and troubleshoot. If you don’t, you’re likely to make the same mistake again and again.SABOTAGE:
Avoid those self-destructive yet tempting states of being (ie. isolationism, perfectionism, pessimism, and inactivity). Identify your “rackets” – those behaviors that, in the long run, feed bulimarexia.ASK:
Don’t interpret! With your self-concept, you’re sure to expect the worst! Learn to ask rather than to analyze.IDENTITY:
Oneness must precede twoness. Establish your identities. You are what you do. Self-respect is contingent upon success experiences. Learn to reinforce yourself so that growth is not based solely upon interactions with others [or one facet of your life]. *Be kind to yourself in the face of stress* so that you can cope rather than succumb to a binge/starve. Enjoy your accomplishments. Practice *giving* as well as *accepting* strokes!**
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental,
To reach out for another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing the self,
To place ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk loss,
To love is to risk rejection,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try at all is to risk failure,
But risk we must,
Because the greatest hazard of all is to risk nothing,
For those who risk nothing, do nothing, have nothing, are nothing.
============================Both segments were written by patients. It makes me cry, cause I want to be so wise. It gives me the strength to try harder. It helps me believe in what I'm doing, when I go against the anorexic thoughts that pop up. It convinces me that I'm doing the right thing. I don't know why I posted it. Guess I just wanted to share something that means something to me, cause I figure alot of people struggle during the holidays.
Thinking of anyone fighting this right now.
Blove, Elaine
poster:ElaineM
thread:716449
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20061124/msgs/716449.html