Posted by gunhildd on September 13, 2014, at 17:10:58
In reply to Re: Extreme introspection coupled with anxiety, posted by Tomatheus on July 12, 2014, at 23:21:44
Hello Tomatheus!
Thank you for your answer.Now is my memory through the years very limited but when i where a child my mom tried to take me to someone which could talk to me.
But i were like a closed clam and wouldnt say anything that bothered me so i think, i dont remember but i will ask my mom, that i didnt had any psychotherapy as a child.I was mentally broken at around 17 years and by that time i were at the psychiatric ward with my mom and got either Sertraline or Mirtazapine first. It was Mirtazapine i then used on and off the years after that, helped me to sleep and eat.
And then i had i CBT therapist but i cant say that i went any better by talking to her nor did i get worse by talking to her.
We tried much with relaxing exercises but it was like impossible to even make the smallest improvement.
She was newly examined and it was alot of questions when she just asked "what do you think happens then?"
I dont remember exactly but i later stopped going to her.
I started to self medicate with Tramadol for my chronic pain due to beeing extremely tense all the time so the Tramadol surely contributed to me feeling better, due to the anti depressant effects of that substance.A few years later, or something, i went to a male psychiatrist and he said i would be ideal to live in the stoneage or something due to my ability to be on my guard all the time, its some sort of hypervigilance i got. I didnt get much out of from going to him neither. My issues is just there and they got such a tight grip around me every second im awake its ridicilous.
Now the last year ive been at one CBT therapist that now work at another place so i dont have her anymore. She did pretty much straight forward CBT talk. That i shall put myself through situations i find hard to make my brain get used to them and by that dampen my anxiety in those situations.
Now i got a counselor and she doenst has the permission to teach out CBT but she got logic and a good sense of what you person should do to feel better like routines and that stuff, make your mind busy and make stuff so you feel good about yourself. I am pretty enlightened in that aspect too but its good to have someone that tells you that also.
Me, my mom, my counselor and some of those ive told my issues about have the same logic and common sense about what you should do to feel better. The thing is that my issues just is there.I think what contributes to my problems with focus and concentration is that im very sensitive to both external and internal stimuli. I did take very hard on my parents divorce and felt very much strange mental states through my whole life.
I dont know if i was born that way or that everythings are a synergy that lead up to this.
One thing that i know is that when i were little i had the ability to be calm when beeing in the right environment.
But as the years progressed and my familiy issues with my father and brother havent been any better and my anxiety issues, chronic pain since 16 years old and self medication, which lead to abuse continued ive felt that my issues got a tight, tight grip around my mind and body.Do you mind mention what medication combo you where using that you might think did something to you? I think thats interesting to hear about.
And do you find sleep effects your mental energy levels?Ive always thought that i had a case of Chronic fatigue in my late teens but i dont know. Ive always been drained on energy both mentally and bodily-wise the longer ive slept. And i think my chronic pain and anxiety contributes to the fatigues as well.
I got a thread at psychforums which you can visit if you like, here is the link.
http://www.psychforums.com/generalized-anxiety/topic143595.html
Here below is my latest answer which i did earlier today in that thread.
Hi!
Sorry im a big bit late with my comment but. Yet ive read it all and i appreciate it alot!
If everything going as it should im going to do an evaluation now.
I did a screening test for ADHD a few weeks ago but it doesnt really fit that much as i see it.As soon as someone got concentration issues the ADHD-card comes, i had the feeling a long time that they hand out the ADHD diagnosis to easily. And for a matter of fact i cant take ADHD medications because i developed such strong addictive abuse behaviours its ridiculous... i had pretty few points when i did the screening and my counselor, she cant teach out CBT, she said like "but hey, when i seen you here all months back i think this is like an 8 not a 2".
So probably i got as much points as needed to get into evaluation.
But at the same time i think its a good thing im doing an evaluation. Not that i got the need to feel that im not alone nor that i want a diagnosis, but it may be good for other types of therapy forms and medication wise.I felt so #######5 from too much sleep during the screening (i get suicidal if i oversleep, its crazy, lucky as i am it goes away til next day if i sleep less and even goes the other way of the pole if i sleep less, but i sure needs to pay the price the whole day if i sleep alot, ugh) so i just let here do her thing. Yeah, yeah. Get those points up, i dont caaaaaaaareeeeeee.
As long as i remember i hated to promise a friend that "yeah, we can hang out that day) because i didnt know how i felt after i slept through the night.
Ive done a pretty extensive research in my moods over the years and why i feel so horrible if i sleep (dream) much and so fantastic if i sleep less.Many years ago i didnt have any insight in my moods and didnt know why i felt like i felt. And some of my feelings i know just ARE, and can be managed through medication, and its that anxiety and raging irritability that is the big culprit in all of this. At most i seem snappy and edgy when i got that irritability, but inside, total mayhem and chaos.
Even during my good mental states those around me doesnt notice anything apart from a person that is excited and happy. Ive self medicated alot with drugs so ive trained much in my life to not show to much of my feelings to my environment, but of course i cant mask full panic attacks and raging irritability completely.
Its that introspection i developed that makes me filter what i show and doesnt show. Im more in my own mind than in the real world. Its something i would like to be dampened, because thats what intensifies my anxiety and irritability.I had strange emotional states during my childhood, i remember the world felt strange and like a dream state several times and i had like intense euphoria often, and these massive ammounts of energy you must experience to even relate to. Those states are like the only thing i remember.
When my parents argued i had surreal feelings, i bet i had a rough time during me and my autistic brothers visits at my father when they where seperated. It wasnt like a had any support from my brother during those visits. And my father.. well, some people shouldt bring children to the world.
Im not sure what trauma feels like but maybe my brain did that because i couldnt handle the emotions from the argues.Just during high school i probably had more or less 100 panic attacks, and in my opinion they dont get any easier, but at the same time i dont have any techniques to handle them.
If every person had a pool of panic attack-water that drains with every panic attack would sure have that pool dry know, but it doesnt work that way unfortunately.
Apart from different kinds of mental states i had during my childhood its pretty black, a thick, thick cloud hoovers over my memories during my life.
It sucks because i dont remember anything i learned in school likewise my childhood.
Its not that persuing to make up memories. And i cant fake information.
Yet i think i got a pretty good posibility to take in information and learn things if i get that introspection and inner awareness dampened.It would be a relief to get a brain scan to see if my brain is alright up there, but for me to get that when i dont show everything i feel.. i know that wont happen at all.
When a girl, or i, got feeling for one or the other when i was little i got those bombs of feelings in my mind, they were so strong i got the same reaction like a deer standing infront of a car ramming towards it. To strong to handle. Immobolized, yet coupled with intense energy.
And this happens even now when im unmedicated, the emotions get so strong its like bombs of emotions. When i see a happy person on the tv i get that pressure behind my eyes, i almost cry from the feelings. Its not a good feeling because its like a mixture of bad happiness also, like tipping over on the crazy edge.
Im also alot more negative effected by negative stimuli when unmedicated, im glad its not like this while on my anti depressants.Im extremely sensitive to external and stimuli and with the introspection i developed i trigger my moods towards the direction the external stimuli gives me. And when the external stimuli effects me my introspection makes me even more towards that mental state. This is the same in all my states, depression, anxiety, irritability and euphoria.
Music has gotten me so high that i felt and saw the world like a beautiful painting and every color saturated and vivid and edges around every object i see.
When i get chills from music or talking good about another person i get it in my brain and over my whole back and legs, maybe thats common i dont know. And that is of course nothing negative.
When i focus really hard, during video games or when i listen to a stimulating person i get an altered perception, like my field of view gets alot more wider and i see everything at once even that at the edges of my eyes, a deeper field of view and sometimes during concentration in video games the distance to the screen got further away but yet bigger at the same time, superbig.
Many times ive seen my body get several meters long, its strange but nothing that im afraid of.. i welcome if with open arms every time.
Research tells that during REM sleep your neurotransmitters get burned up, alot! They vaporize fast!
And i bet some of you know that your dream cycle has several stages, and the longer you sleep, the longer the REM sleep phase gets.
The longer i sleep, and this has happened ALOT of times, i get more depressed and get more anxiety in my dreams. Had panic attacks in my sleep, at least what it feels like, alot of times.
When i had Burpopion added to my combo i had the most horrifying feelings in my sleep many times. Stronger than anything that ive felt before. It was like an extreme withdrawal from a strong drug. Im not using Bupropion anymore.Its pretty strange the above because i did tramadol and were on 1400mg per day. Halfed to 700mg next day and stopped cold turkey. Chronic use for maybe one and a half year. Didnt get any horrific feelings at all i just got very, very excited and happy yet very irritated.
Did the same with Venlafaxine and Mirtazapine after years of Chronic use and a few other substances that should get you the withdrawals from hell but i think something happened to my brain over the years. The combination of all stress from my familiy issues and chronic body pain and all anxiety and drugs sure did some strange things to my brain. But maybe its not all that bad.The less i sleep the more easily excited i get, and i get really horny, got these slings of melodies in my mind and silly humour and i love it. Its like im wired because it always gets the same results. Every time with less sleep the same thing happen, and with much sleep the same thing happens.
Its not a black or white thing even if im drawn to be like that personality wise. I doesnt have to sleep 12 hours a night or 2 hours a night.
With much sleep my anxiety gets alot worse.. that added to the suicidal, hopeless feelings i get would be a very dangerous combination if i didnt know that it goes away very easily.
The oversleep feelings stacks if i sleep much several days but goes away during a night of less sleep. With less sleep my anxiety get much better but my irritability gets worse.
All of my good personality traits goes away with much sleep. Nothing that excites me makes my mood better that day. Music that makes me really happy otherwise makes me more depressed and induces more anxiety.Im aiming to get a Lamotrigine now. Ive had that medication in my thoughts for many years. Im going to make sure to let them know i want to tiltrate the dosage slowly upwards so i minimize the risk of getting the rash.
I got the bad habbit of just go with my symptoms and dont do anything to make them better.
It took 10 years with ridiculous chronic pain to even do anything to make it better, well, i self medicated but it doesnt makes it better in the long run.
Now i stretch and use a foam roller to stretch and roll out the wierdly hard muscles and fascia i got.
TRIGGERPOINTS, HURT MUCH?!?!! Embrace the pain...
I think im over 2000hours of foam rolling now and extremely much stretching also. I just need to be better at doing those McKenzie exercises also.
Its alot better but its a long way from as good as i now it can be. Wow its not strange its that messed up with all i had inside my all my life. And alot of it is my fault so because of my ability to let it go almost to the edge til i get help.And as i said im at the psychiatric ward and plan to be there all my life if its needed to.
poster:gunhildd
thread:1068215
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/alter/20140619/msgs/1071106.html