Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2011, at 10:51:45
In reply to Re: me too... » Dinah, posted by obsidian on March 27, 2011, at 10:15:24
My therapist says that given my history, he'd be more concerned about me if I didn't feel unable to say nothing.
I don't think one person saying something uncivil pushes my buttons. That I can dismiss, I think. It's when other people jump in and either join in or start saying that it was the truth, or it was ok to say, that I get reminded of exactly what that feels like. I made absolutely no distinction between the active tormentors in school, and those who supported them. And I always blamed the teachers as much as I blamed the tormentors, because their silence was complicity. It allowed it to happen. And to speak the truth, I felt a fair amount of hatred towards those who said nothing at all. I can understand that they were afraid, or embarrassed. But that didn't make their silence ok. I can understand, but I don't necessarily forgive any but the single one who years later asked my forgiveness for saying nothing. I honored and respected those who, without being in any way confrontational to my tormentors, showed kindness and acceptance, and let it be generally understood that it wasn't ok that I was being tormented, without perhaps actually saying so.
I can't be any of those people. Not the ones who said things, not the ones who supported those who said things, and not the ones who said nothing at all.
It's even worse for me when it's someone else. When it's me, I have the armor of dislike.
"Whatever you do to the least of my brothers, so you do unto me." doesn't really go far enough, to me. "Do whatever you like to me, but leave my brothers and sisters, least to greatest, the h*ll alone. What sort of person do you think I am to stand quiet?"
But that's me and my truth, heavily influenced by my experiences. I recognize this isn't middle school. But I also see similarities and experience feelings of impotence and rage.
And I think I'm more ok with how I am than I would be with changing. Yes, it causes me pain. But not nearly as much pain as changing to accept it would cause. I'd rather feel hurt than shame.
poster:Dinah
thread:979671
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20110117/msgs/981265.html