Posted by ron1953 on November 3, 2010, at 13:10:36
In reply to Re: A Question for Pro-block Members, posted by Dinah on November 3, 2010, at 11:20:22
Dinah said, "If I go to someone's home, or someone's business, I expect that they will have expectations for my behavior in that home or business. If I violate those expectations, I would not be at all surprised if I were asked to leave. If I went to the home of another with the understanding that such expectations existed, I would expect the host to ask those who violate those expectations to leave."
I understand that argument, and it's been stated here on numerous occasions, but I don't think it applies to a supposed mental health support site. As for me, I do not assume others' expectations, which I have found is frought with hazards. Also, I wouldn't hang out with ANYBODY who would be so audacious as to tell another how to behave.
I'll give some background about my feelings regarding blocks: Like many members, I've been a mental health consumer, having spent many an hour (and dollar)in therapy and having taken countless medications, all to very limited "success". Near the tail end of my involvement with professional/drug therapy (circa 2004), I was looking for support during my separation and divorce. I couldn't locate a divorce support group, but I did find a "men's support group". When I spoke to a founding member about joining the group (which, incidentally, had been in existence for 15 years), he made it a point to warn me that the group was very dynamic and could be quite straightforward, even brutally honest. I decided to check it out. Yes, they were straightforward, and yes, they were brutal, but I got more therapeutic value in six months than I had received in years of professional "help". The other members felt the same way about the value of the group. The bonds that were formed in that group were terrific - in fact, one member remains a close friend (I left the area in 2005). The members of the group grew stronger and closer by going THROUGH stuff, not by avoiding it. Nobody ever attempted to censor anybody, and nobody was ever asked to leave. Sometimes it was loud, sometimes it was ugly, sometimes there were tears, and sometimes there were blowouts between 2 members. But there were smiles, and belly laughs, and hugs, and social stuff outside of the group, and there was GROWTH. Most of all, there was love - unconditional love.
Now, fast-forward to Oregon, where I moved to in '05. Missing my east coast group, I sought another men's group here. I found one and it turned out to be extremely bland and superficial, and not very therapeutic. Interestingly, when I was able to stir the guys up and start some REAL conversation about real personal issues (which wasn't very often), they would all enthusiastically comment on what a good meeting it was. Otherwise, the meetings were a waste of time. I was thinking about leaving the group when the following incident occurred: one of the members was recounting something very emotional to him and got a bit loud, as I might expect. However, the member whose house we were in told the talker to quiet down. Keep in mind that the host lived alone, and nobody but the group was there. Here's a guy who's trying to pour out some emotional stuff in a supposed support group, and he's told to quiet down. The look on his face said it all. I stopped attending that group after that.
I think that peer support can be of incredible benefit, but rules, conditions, admonishments, etc. undermine what's possible, creating a "walking on eggs" situation where nobody is really free to open up. Some Babble members use the word "safety" to describe some of the reasons for the civility rules and results, but I was a lot safer in the east coast men's group than here in Babble. I'm not talking about superficial safety as in no cuss words, no arguments; I'm talking about REAL safety where members would (and did) bend over backwards to help another member.
Thus are my experiences and feelings about peer support, and why I think conditional peer support is not only unhelpful, but possibly damaging.
poster:ron1953
thread:965628
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20101014/msgs/968220.html