Posted by Dinah on August 5, 2009, at 8:51:34
In reply to Re: feeling uncomfortable, posted by Dr. Bob on August 5, 2009, at 4:27:03
For my part, I think you're the only one who is really affected by those posts. If other people want to refrain from reading them, they can refrain from reading them.
I'm certain there are posting behaviors that make me uncomfortable. As long as they aren't hurting anyone, and as long as they aren't against the rules, I own those feelings as mine and take the responsibility of doing what I need to do to help myself feel comfortable with something others have a perfect right to do.
I find that learning to deal with things that make me feel uncomfortable is a good skill for life outside Babble as well. Things that make me feel uncomfortable, or things that annoy me, or things that I wish people wouldn't do, those things happen all the time whether or not I would wish it differently. Sometimes I bring those things to therapy and try to figure out why I find them so upsetting.
I don't see how posts about positive feelings for you are unkind to anyone. I don't see how they could hurt anyone's feelings. I could see if they were upsetting to you, but you say they aren't. They aren't vulgar in any obscene sense of the word. They aren't anything I'd rather my child not see.
They might possibly qualify as public displays of affection which make some people feel uncomfortable. That doesn't seem to stop them from being allowable in most public places. To me they seem more like my father telling Bob Crane to please kiss my daughter; she's in love with you. Bob Crane was very gracious. As are you.
I don't understand how it could be a harmful coping mechanism. You aren't going to take advantage of Deneb. You are a relatively safe container of feelings, positive and negative. She's not even expecting anything of you. If she was expecting anything, I could see where it would be harmful. My adoration of Bob Crane helped shed a ray of sunshine into a very dark time in my life. My diary is full of his wonderfulness. I spoke about it to others as well, and if there had been an internet, I would have probably written odes to his smiling eyes. I'm an adult now, but I've seen a good many adults who find the same solace in loving someone safe. Moreover she brings them to therapy and discusses the reasons why she might feel the way she does. She seems to have a very clear understanding of what her feelings are and aren't.
At least one poster, and probably more, has posted that they enjoy Deneb's posts. And for me, as long as you're ok with them, I see them as not very different than my posting my feelings about my dogs or my therapist or Bob Crane. How I feel about them likely depends on how I'm feeling in general.
I suppose there is a possibility that others have felt hurt by you because of their positive feelings for you. I'd put myself in that category even. Perhaps they worry that Deneb's positive feelings will one day lead to her feeling hurt by you when you do something like give her a PBC or block her. And certainly I would not discount that possibility. It's a very real one. Like my therapist with me, your relationship with Babblers is very different than our relationship with you. You may intend no harm and still hurt people because of how they feel about you.
That's the chance we take when we care about someone in even the most equal of relationships. Loving someone in an unequal relationship like this is both safer in some ways, and more likely to lead to hurt feelings in others. I do hope anyone who loves you is ready for that possibility.
I suppose it's also possible that people are reminded of times in their lives when they were the object of unwelcome attentions. Maybe they even felt unsafe because someone was intruding on their boundaries to express their "love" when such expressions were not welcome. But it's clear that to you this is not unwelcome attention, and that you do not feel that positive expressions of feelings intrude upon your boundaries. You do not appear to feel harassed or pressured.
Deneb, I'm sorry to be talking about you in third person. And I'm sorry if my post contributes to any further discussion that might cause you discomfort. I remember once storming off babble and having people talking about me in third person and feeling utterly mortified. I hope that nothing I posted would make you feel that way.
poster:Dinah
thread:908960
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20090707/msgs/910359.html