Posted by Dinah on July 14, 2009, at 9:35:34
In reply to Re: Eample Apology Request, posted by Dr. Bob on July 13, 2009, at 10:36:47
My alternative suggestion is that Administration provide a safe environment for people to post their most private thoughts, or be playful and open, without fearing that incivility towards them will be tolerated.
This wasn't a difference of opinion that escalated. This wasn't a case of misunderstanding.
I realize that different people have different views of what is right and wrong. But I don't understand how the proper course of action should be to ask someone who has been hurt by unprovoked incivility to respond with a request for an apology or a statement of how they feel. Asking them not to respond in kind seems enough without that person feel responsible for keeping the other poster from being blocked. Or to feel responsible for future incivilities by the poster they helped not to be blocked towards other posters if they succeed. Because that's how I would feel. If a poster I helped avoid a block by apologizing then hurt someone else through incivility, I would feel responsible.
I don't like this. I know you have said that you are not *asking* posters to respond this way. Just suggesting that they could. But your suggestions hold weight. And your suggestions determine the unspoken values on Babble. Your suggestions lead to third party posters, instead of empathizing with the hurt poster, have the expectations that what is desirable is to refrain from reporting, to express your feelings, and to ask for an apology, and to accept one graciously. To be a good sport. It can lead to fears of social disapproval that amount to pressure to behave in a certain way.
I don't understand this at all. Maybe I'm too old. But to me, third party support should take the form of telling the hurt poster that they never found them to be xxxxx, and that support to someone who has been uncivil should certainly include statements of how the poster is valued, without ignoring the fact that the behaviors can hurt others. Somehow "Please do stay" unaccompanied by "but don't hurt others" is interpreted by me at least as "Please do stay and continue as you are."
I know that there is value in learning how to stand up for yourself. But this is not a process group, and even if it were, a process group requires skilled facilitators. People often come to Babble in distress. They pour out their hearts. They make themselves vulnerable. In my mind, this is not what their expectation of Babble ought to be.
This is not about Verne and Poet in particular. And my examples and statements don't refer to this particular situation.
poster:Dinah
thread:905306
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20090707/msgs/906704.html