Posted by JadeKelly on April 13, 2009, at 21:38:33
In reply to I hate emotions, 'cept laffing, posted by muffled on April 13, 2009, at 11:55:54
Muffled, I am so sorry that you are being hurt in this "mess." I hope that Fayeroe will read all of your posts here and see that you are only trying to help. We just hope though, or know that the person who hurt us doesn't want to, they are just hurting too, or are feeling something else, or dont happen to agree. Something that might not bother someone else, could be hurtful to me and vise versa.
The "potential" beauty of a place like this is that if one makes the effort to know those around them, even a little, they learn how to treat people {as they know them] I have read many of your posts over the last few days as you know. I believe you to be a sweet person and I hate it that you feel any pain over any of this. It has been your way to say what you mean and feel as best you can, and I think added laughter at the end of any thought or post is just you. I bet if people knew that, they would know that doesn't mean you take the subject lightly. And as a matter of record, I believe you are leaving Babble as a result of all this. I think you take it very seriously.
You have shown compassion for Babblers with hugs and good wishes, you wrote a very heartfelt note to me, you have even shown compassion and empathy for Dr. Bob, while admittedly he has hurt you. While I don't share that compassion or empathy, I certainly have a great deal of respect for you and the size of your heart. Your children are lucky to have you.
I know you, and maybe others, want for every one to be happy and calm and no arguing, etc. Sometimes, things need to be turned upside down so that caring, sensitive people can get a better look at what they are not seeing, or are denying. If they see it clearly, as I think Fayeroe always has, and choose to stay because of friends, a strong sense of self, and little risk of self damage, it works for them.
But a lot of us are damaged, hurting, broken people when we get here. We feel extremely vulnerable and sensitive. We are looking for support, love and friendship, acceptance, at a time when we are at our worst. We need to {be treated with kind, kid gloves while we heal} Blocks and scoldings and harsh words do not facilitate this. We may be irritable as suffering people are. So what. Its expected. If anything maybe they should ask us if we'd like to chat. If I was a deputy thats what I would do. Hey Jade, having a bad day? Want to chat about it? Our feelings shouldn't be stuffed down inside every time we log on and trade our dignity in hopes of finding support in a mine field.
I thought I found a place to heal. Phillipa welcomed me with open arms, talking to me everyday while I was in bed alone, sweating, and scared. Too tired to eat much less go anywhere. Scott, well he's Scott, he has a different way of showing he cares. And I do believe he cares about everyone here incuding Admin which is probably why he's not here. He never held my hand, but answered every question. We never engaged in much conversation, but if I "called" he was there with advice. I might add here quickly, Scott answers all kinds of posters on the med board. He's buzy. Buzy learning, and buzy passing it on. I, with my superior emotional intellect, sense that unless some serious deserved a*s kissing and appreciation comes Scott's way, you may lose him on the med board. He is going to other boards for support when he needs it. I don't see much future for the med board if Scott stops showing up IMHO. He's smart, but reachable. It seems most are either/or to me. As with Phillipa, I will always have a kind regard and respect for Scott for patiently (did I say that?) mentoring those willing to pay attention.
I feel sad that my attempt to get a message across to deaf ears may have hurt even one Babbler. I'm not sorry I did it. I tried talking, explaining, pleading, provided facts, showed my pain, to no avail. For anyone who thinks my angry, sarcastic, finger pointing post to Dr. Bob was my first attempt to reach him, please know that I was blocked for two weeks, and he repeadedly answered my emails with questions, the same questions, twisting things, giving me hope of a "time served", it became sick. He enjoys it.I did not listen when others told me this. You can not reach this man and he will never change.
He does not care about us. That has become obvious. We are a "herd" for him to study. We are pawns to play with when the mood strikes him or he wants his very weak ego boosted. We are here to "make him feel good" and to "long for him" and to fantasize that he is our "Daddy" if we have childhood issues. He loves that a few are obsessed with him. He feeds on this. Dr. Bob is a sick man, he has inflicted pain and hurt on me personally, and I hurt even more when I think of the pain and suffering that he and his co-horts have inflicted on countless others over the years. He has a personality disorder, if I know it, he does too. I'm sorry he has it, but due to its nature, I have no feeling about him other than disgust.
I enjoy most people very much, even with all the "stuff" that comes with them. Sometimes, I too, am sensitive and say things I shouldn't to people that I care about. I am quick to react if I feel slighted. I am also quick to apoligize, and talk it over. I was not quick to repair a friendship with Phillipa, I was at times rude to her because I took some things she said and did personally. That was wrong of me and I apologized to her. And while we are different in some ways (as are we all), I'm glad we still enjoy getting emails from each other. I am sorry I will no longer be able to back you up with troubled posters (we made a good team). Phillipa was very kind to me when I got here, and I am for the first time seeing her true value on this site. I did not feel welcome here at times trying to fit in with people who have been here for a long time. So if you are feeling impatient because she posts so much, ask yourself if you want to take her place. When everyone else is a no show, its Phillipa who answers post after post that would otherwise get nothing.
My irony is that after giving out my email, and having my Babblemail still open, I have made so many supportive new friends since this started. All people who just wanted to say I hear you. Maybe we can hear each other. People who, like me, don't feel safe sharing here. I will stay in touch with these caring people.
I see you, muffled,for the sweet person you are. I am in touch with others who care and show compassion to people who maybe don't readily show their hurt and pain. I have always felt uncomfortable saying here "I had a really hurtful/bad/frustrating/sad day" I need a hug. I guess I was afraid I might not get one. I can't run a post or thread that says "Hey guys, I'm remembering some things I don't want to right now, can I have some support? A hug? I don't feel emotionally safe doing that in a place that doles out punishment like an old boarding school.
One day, I decided that Admin had the wrong idea about me. This was before I found out that more than one deputy (I'm gonna try to be generous here) is, well here is a good example, has everyone seen or read that most excellent movie with Jack Nicholson "One flew over the Cuckoos Nest"? Remember the nurse? I read a post between Fay and Sigismund and they were recalling the movie and the book. I had to laugh. Awhile ago I was joking with another un-named poster that we would write a book about this site, our experience of it anyway, and that was the title "One flew over the Cuckoos Nest". They remind me of the nurse. All smiles.
ADMIN
Before I was "enlightened" I sent mail to all three deputies in a misguided effort to be understood about why I was here. I told them that while I may come off as sarcastic at times, its just pain, hurt, and misplaced anger. I said that I was sorry about that. Then I wrote, in some detail, about some of the events that caused my very Deep Depression, along with some other nasty side effects. I had a psychotic "break" that taught me how people who have never been suicidal, could, would have to, commit the act within a very short amount of time. An hour with no help. Its the scariest f-ing, most painful thing thats ever happened to me. I have never been suicidal, I haven't been since. But imagine a physical pain so great, that you wish, literally, that you could die instantly to escape the pain. Thats what this was like and I was afraid it would never stop. I remember thinking that I could not live much longer. It had only been, maybe 15-20 minutes so far. I was terrified someone would see me. I was afraid to call 911 and have them leave me in that state. Or worse, put me in a padded room where I could not stop it by any means. I've heard stories of a padded room. If it was like this, and they didn't just knock you out, God my heart goes out to you. Now I know why some of those people bang their heads against the wall. You're just suddenly in a nightmare, but awake, horrible things that had recently happended were all happening at once in my head. I finally took several Parnate and it went away. Maybe 30 minutes. Felt like years.Two family members had recenty commited suicide, one young, one relatively young. The youngest, no-one saw it coming. Ever. My young relative was very close to my heart. His mother left him when he was little. She showed up again when he was a teen. She did drugs with him one night. He later was picked up by local police for speeding. He pulled right over. He told them his house was "right over there" the homeowners had no idea who he was. At first he was randomly swearing, then by all acounts became earily quiet. They put him in a single cell against his will. He started banging his head all around and then went quiet looking straight up in a stare (video made available to us). He then hung himself. I'm not gonna talk about the other one, I lost six close family members, all ages, for various reasons, within a two year period. A nasty divorce. My son presented as full on bi-polar 1 during this. He had violent, scary episodes for 24-48 hours every three weeks like clockwork. His eyes became strange and hateful, he would get this twisted crazy grin on his face. Constant threats to hurt himself (S), stab us, he would try to destroy the house, bang on our doors in the middle of the night to come out so he could hurt us. This went on for 9 months. After a few med failures, Seroquel keeps them totally at bay and he is himself. He also has Epilepsy, and Chronic Pulmonary Disease. We spend 2-4 weeks a year in the hospital hoping the pneumonia he's developed doesn't make him so sick that he doesn't come home. During that period he had a long stay and had a BP "episode" where he was ripping out IV's etc. My father was diagnosed with two serious illnesses. My niece and nephew reacted as one might expect at the loss of their brother. There's more, but I'll stop. I remember walking down the isle at the grocery one day and i felt funny. I said to myself that this was how people went insane.
I sent some form of this to Administration addressing all members. Not one ever mentioned it to me privately or publicly. They don't talk to me. I welcomed Racer back and she didn't respond. 10der has made it quite clear that she doesn't like me(I'll be generous).I don't know what I was looking for. Acceptance by the "family"?. I think from my upbringing, I assumed if they knew me....
Now imagine pouring out your heart, not being acknowledged, and then suffering the indignity of being "punished" regularly and inconsistantly by these same people. Watching others post after post much worse and not receive anything.Or worse yet, watching others do the same only to get rediculous blocks that say you're not wanted. But you can't leave your room, your alone and this is your lifeline. Your not yourself and become slightly addicted to being "connected". Before you know it, intelligent intuitive people, who, when not suffering, would'nt put up with this for five minutes, are suddenly "stung" with repeated punishments. If they return, wanting to be heard, really heard, they get "stung" again.
My therapist says I need to talk about the things that caused this hateful depression. I said to who? My family? They're suffering too. So I've told 2 posters and Admin and my T. It hasn't gone well, except with my T, but I'll keep trying. Its not so much to get outward support, although thats great when it happens. I think its more to get it unlocked from my head and out where I can look at it where I'm safe (not here) They diagnosed me with PTSD, I'm assuming the "break" caused that dx. I don't have PTSD. I'm not in denial. I just got a nasty taste of it though and again, God my heart goes out to anyone with a true PTSD.
Happy News
I'm coming out of my depression. I feel good, its a process though, not just an A/D. I have to relearn a lot of behaviors. I'm not motivated. I'm lazy. I have to talk. I have to remember to give myself a break.My son is amazing. He is my heart. Maybe I didn't mention that part. He's compassionate when himself, affectionate, tells you he loves you if he does, hugs if you need one, senses (he has that emotional intelligence, BOY can he read people) And I'm afraid, he will show LITTLE respect where he can expect to recieve none. He DOESN'T apologize where he feels none is due. Ever. Not even to me. I've asked him before if he wanted to, if he'd been mean or something, if I was about to do some nice thing for him. It always felt like sh*t, and I stopped doing it. If he's not sorry, whats the point. No audience? I'm not that sick.
My other son is also my heart. He, too, is amazing and is currently breaking said heart. But I won't let him know. He's 18 and has moved out. Hes very self sufficient,extremely intelligent, both boys are gorgeous btw, he loves to travel, and loves his girl of several years. He's currently visiting his best friend in southern CA, for the 2nd time and I'm hoping he'll attend college there. I love the family. They love my son. I miss him so so much. When I see him I want to grab him up, 170lbs?, and turn him back into that so sweet, so cute, so wonderful boy. But I did my job and i have to let him go I guess.
I have a large family, we are extremely close, we spend alot of time together. I'm very close to my siblings, and my parents. The cousins are like brothers and sisters. My parents are incredible. They are generous in every sense of the word. My father tells all of us he loves us. He had to learn to say it from my mom. But we always felt it. My Dad is the patriarch of the whole lot of us, and is treated like royalty. Not because he demands it, or even expects it. Its because he's earned it. We like to spoil him. He accepts each of us just as we are, unconditionally. My mother too.
Oh, and we have two dogs that bring us more joy than I would be able to impart here.
Still working on cognitive skills and short term memory. I lost the use of those along with good sense.
We can choose to walk away from a hurtful situation, whether that be a friend, or a website. But what happens when its so insidious, so vague, so unexpected? We Deny. Some will not be bothered. And some will be damaged before they see the sickness that is around them.
I feel safe finally. Its because I will never come back here. I know it wasn't my fault. I'm not "the bad one". I said all I wanted and needed to, I at least feel a very therapeutic effect in letting Babblers see me for what I am. I feel no danger. Thanks for the forum Dr.Bob. You at least owe me that. There will never be an apology unless it comes from you. I won't hold my breath.
BABBLERS-here, lurking, blocked, left, whatever.
We are starting a support group for anyone who wants to be themselves and doesn't like blocks. I am currently setting up an 8 page website for my brother, my degree is in marketing. When I'm done we are talking about setting up another. We might call it "Rats in my Attic". Anyone who wants to help facilitate this site we can use the help!
In the mean time, email me to find out where we are: coatesdougherty@verizon.net this address will change with in a month or two.
~I wonder if this is too long~~JadeKelly
poster:JadeKelly
thread:888433
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20090302/msgs/890502.html