Posted by Deputy 10derHeart on December 18, 2008, at 23:38:11
In reply to oh crap, posted by muffled on December 18, 2008, at 22:29:41
You did an *excellent* job, Muffled, and you are too hard on yourself - you can and do get this. We just don't always realize how or what we've written, or, we get so emotional we can't see it, or sometimes don't want to, or don't care in that moment of upset. We are human and erring and learning.
It's all about practice, isn't it? It sure was for me. Like anything really, then with TONS of repetition it becomes close to second nature.
Your original rephrase was perfect, IMO.
Yes, you're right:
"This babbler ignores me" wouldn't be civil as it's talking about someone else's behavior and motivation, which, if we really, really break it down and use logic, we can't 100% know - NO MATTER how hugely obvious it seems to us (those pesky emotions again!) - unless we are inside their head. We could be mistaken. Maybe their actions are due to something else entirely.
NOW, having said that, sure, sometimes - this time - or at another time on or off Babble - maybe it was true and accurate. The other person really *was* deliberately not making contact. Well, the thing is, to keep ourselves civil and not take a chance at accusing or putting them down, we still can't post, "This Babbler ignores me." Just like we wouldn't want to post, "This Babbler hates me..., " or "This Babbler is mocking me..." or "This Babbler gave me an ugly look...." or "This Babbler disrespected me..." (do those help?)
When you wrote: A. I went to chat, and then B. she went away.....that was different, because those are "sterile" facts. I did a thing, she did a thing. If readers want to connect them, to attribute meaning to them, that is something they have to deal with in their minds. They can always post and ask for more depth, ask, "Did you feel badly then? Did you feel left out?" or something like that. In fact, when I first read your response to Dinah's post, my suggestion was you could say: "I feel left out sometimes around this Babbler, " or "I felt sad and uncomfortable being unable to have a chat conversation, and then confused at later receiving email..." What do you think of those?
The trouble comes when *we* automatically connect actions, and then post our conclusions, publicly. "She left; it's because of me = she ignored me."
As for "I am confused by this babblers behaviour. I don't know what to do." - I *think* this would be okay, because well, we all have "behavior" (you did not decide what it *meant* i.e., ignoring, nor did you describe any sort of "bad" behavior) Your writing that does keep it about you and not them, so, yes, *I* say it's fine.
Thank you for the efforts. I know I can speak for all the deputies when I say we really appreciate it. And BTW, though I am sad it doesn't go without saying, of course you are not "bad, " in fact, I don't think of uncivil posting as "wrong" even. Just out of place? Just outside the guidelines Dr. Bob requests? Not fitting for here? Not the best for harmony and peace and safety in this unique setting? I hope you can think of it more that way, too.
poster:Deputy 10derHeart
thread:869419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20081003/msgs/869563.html