Posted by Dinah on September 4, 2004, at 11:18:30
In reply to Re: Being Compassionate » alesta, posted by AuntieMel on September 3, 2004, at 23:55:32
I have this desire to share something I learned about myself on Babble, but it feels horribly presumptuous of me to do it, so please feel free to ignore the entire post. And please realize that my intentions are good.
When I first came to Babble and for a reasonably long time later, I felt the need to play peacemaker, especially if I cared about all the people involved or if I felt that there was a simple misunderstanding at the core. There were a lot of reasons behind my need, not least of which was that it was my job in my family of origin to do exactly this. And my family of origin let me be very effective in this role.
But I was continually frustrated on Babble. Not only did all the posters not immediately thank me and see the wisdom of what I had to say, but it often (to my intense dismay) led to exchanges in which worse things were said than were said initially.
I'm not saying it never worked. It did sometimes. And I've seen it work when other people did it too. And I've been the recipient where I reacted overly quickly to a post from a poster who, had I reflected, would have been unlikely to say what I thought I read and another poster was able to help me see that I was probably in error.
I have also frequently been in the position where something I said was taken in a way different from how I intended it (I must express myself poorly at times), and I know that a supportive post from another poster really helped me feel better about it. I think I've resolved my internal conflict about that by waiting to see how things play out. Sometimes the posters are able to work it out themselves (unlike my parents). Other times someone is hurt, and I extend support to the hurt poster. That's the response that I figured out was best for me, and I'm certainly not suggesting that the response that is best for you would be similar.
So I'm certainly not condemning the peacemaker role. I just wanted to extend a hand from someone who has been hurt by the role at times. (And probably do a whole lot of projecting onto you, for which I apologize. There's no reason to think you would react the same way I did.) To say please try not to take it personally if it doesn't work and try not to invest too much of yourself into whether or not other people get along. Because it can hurt!
And again, I apologize if I'm being presumptuous.
poster:Dinah
thread:385696
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20040902/msgs/386347.html