Posted by tealady on October 24, 2003, at 2:46:30
In reply to Re: civil alternatives, posted by Dr. Bob on October 22, 2003, at 23:19:22
>My gut reaction is that people want to feel safe, and your intent is to keep things emotionally safe, but there is a lack of congruence between the concepts. People are not feeling safe, and when they try to discuss it, they get banned. It's not working.
I agree with Lar. It's not working for me either.I think it is very important weare able to discuss why we don't feel comfortable or object to (or dislike in any way) another person's post. Personally if anything I posted led anyone to feel uncomfortable, the MOST important thing to me would be for anyone to be able to say ..hey, that's wrong/hurt/ etc. It just is not working without questions being able to be raised.
What seems to be happening, to me, is that instead of a direct comment..which I welcome even if it puts me down..we get lost of little innuendos all over the place ..or people posting in a similar style that may be sending you up..or people just being overly-sweet..also with intent to insult.
When you aren't thinking clearly, (or maybe that is just an excuse), but I am finding it very difficult to know if one is helping by throwing in suggestions or being a real nuisance or embarrassing. I really do need the feedback AS a part of the "safety" issue.
The undertones going on here lately have affected me more than any direct accusations ever could. Maybe it is just me, but I don't think so.
I also cannot understand why you pulled up Lar, Gabby or DSCH. I'm afraid I haven't really grasped this l-statement, as I think what Lar, Gabby and DSCH have said were worded civilly and carefully even with a lot of thought into their words.
I think if it does make someone feel put down..that is far better , the person should know they are stepping over boundaries, and most people would wish to know, I do. Personally I would really appreciate it if I ever stepped on anyone's toes if they could feel free to tell me immediately, so I could try to correct my wording to better reflect what I meant to say. I personally am not clear headed at all lately..or articulate.
I guess that is what I find difficult, as noone does tell you, and perhaps I am not thinking clearly, I get confused as to if I am helpful or within boundaries or not.
I also think we need to be free to support anyone who we feel is being "attacked" by being able to state that is we also find it could be offensive.
There have been many times I felt I would like to have supported someone, but just wasn't able to as I was not feeling sharp enough.Sorry, I know you don't agree as it would lead the person to feel put down...but maybe sometimes that is what is needed to help determine a clear intent. IMO, it would also in a lot of cases stop the behaviour from occurring at all.
If their meaning was misconstrued, it gives them a chance for correction of their post to makehe their real intentions clear before it gets out of hand.I think it would lead to the overall atmosphere of the board becoming more friendly. This is not meant as a slight on anyone, or you , or the board. The huge majority here are wonderful caring people who I've learnt a lot from.
I'm finding the implied intent is far more powerful a put down than the words, which seem to fit in the "civil" definition.
Jan
poster:tealady
thread:266922
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20031008/msgs/272567.html