Posted by Racer on September 11, 2005, at 17:31:27
It's not quite so bad today, but last night it had me just collapsed and not wanting to live. Anyone else go through this? Or are all of you smart enough *not* to read what you wrote years back?
Anyway, there was a thread on the Social board about when we all started posting. I went back and looked, and found my first post ever on PB: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990501/msgs/381.html
Reading that, and a few other things I posted about that time, I saw how much of it was so much the same as what happened last year, and it kicked up all those old, "It Must Be My Fault" routines in me. After all, it couldn't be that the systems are both so [verb form expletive deleted] up, right? If it wasn't my fault, then I wouldn't have experienced two such similar things, right? I would have experienced different things, maybe, but not the same sort of nightmare.
Now, rationally, I can see some differences right off the bat: even the county's mental health department told me that the idiot doctor back then was the only game in town no matter how bad she was. She was a terrible experience right from the start, whereas Dr EyeCandy wasn't a problem until The Therapist With Delusions of Competence started things rolling south. Still, the end result was the same: I felt hopeless, helpless, worthless, and at fault. And without any reason I could name to continue living. (This was before Shar explained the "50+ Rule" to us all.)
Does anyone else here go through the whole thing where you figure since bad things happen to you, you must be causing them to happen? Where is the truth to be found? How much of this is my fault? How much of this do I actually cause myself, and how much is beyond my control? How can one combat this sort of thinking without turning into a professional victim or whiner?
Shar? This is where you get to show what a great teacher you are. And you are a great teacher. Just look how well I've learned the "50+ Rule." ;-%
I guess I just answered some of my question -- it's the whiner/victim part that keeps me caught up in the whole cycle of blaming myself. After all, if I admit that I do think that some people out there have taken advantage of my vulnerabilities, that's the same as whining and 'playing the victim.' Where's the line between saying that someone else has hurt you and whining about being a victim?
poster:Racer
thread:553853
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20050828/msgs/553853.html