Posted by Phil on December 7, 2004, at 7:33:26
Depression and all it's wonderful moments is kicking my ass like nobody's business. Lately, every day I wake up to a sense of dread-that's the first thing that hits me. Then I yell at my cat to shut the hell up. I shuffle off to the only thing that keeps me above water-a job I can't stand that is never enough to pay the bills.
These medications have taken away any 'high' I may have experienced but the depression remains full force. Mood stabilizer is right-I'm stable at the bottom of the tank with the rest of the walking dead.
If anyone thinks this is just a pity party, they haven't really seen my life over the last 20 years. Depression is right there just waiting to kick the next meds ass into oblivion.
I see my doctor this week but I've got to say; when this disease hits full force, it's me against it. There are no miracles.
This obsession of the mind, in and of itself, is enough to kill, so I don't want to hear about starving kids in the Sudan, people that are 'really sick', or some invisable god that will pull me out of this.
People, some famous, have written books on how gut-wrenching this disease is-even great writers concede that they don't have the words to describe it. Their families read those books and have to try and understand the illness that is as mysterious as the the blackest ocean. My family has to try and understand, too. I know it's a lot to ask.
The only thing I live for is that I've vowed never to surrender, but make no mistake, I've got a worthy foe.
My life may only amount to a never ending struggle with this darkness. That isn't much to hang your hat on, but it's all this cowboy's got.
poster:Phil
thread:425636
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040626/msgs/425636.html