Posted by Racer on June 24, 2004, at 18:26:54
In reply to Re: Feeling calmer -- So Glad to Hear It » Racer, posted by Shar on June 24, 2004, at 17:28:42
Yesterday's session was very mixed for me, and today I'm a total basket case. I do mean TOTAL, too -- although I'm not old enough to qualify for suicide yet, so don't get your knickers in a twist. (<< I only *sound* old enough, huh?)
The good: I did tell her that I was terrified that having to start off with the kind of crisis I was in would jeopardize our ability to form a strong therapeutic relationship. I also told her that I was aware that, while I was telling her about the crisis, it was all intellectualized with the emotions held at bay. Nothing happened during the session to scare me away from her. Actually, she not only agreed with me about some of what I was saying, but even said at one point, "I was thinking the same thing!" (This was re: something Dr EyeCandy said, about his patients never complaining about constipation on Remeron. I said, "And I didn't ask him if he'd ever *asked* them about it...") THAT was really helpful for me, somehow -- probably because I really did *know* that it was the right question for that situation, but after all that's gone on with people telling me that what I *know* to be true is not, it was very comforting to be told that I spoke the truth. You know what I mean? Of course you do, you're Shar the Magnificent.
The bad: it was all intellectualizing, and all the emotions were disconnected from it. I was mostly babbling on, unable to get to what I really needed to get to, and knowing both that I needed to get there and that it was impossible to do so. Kinda like a car wreck, when it seems time slows down, and you know you can't stop it, but every fiber in your body is screaming for it not to happen, trying to find some way to avoid it? Also, the whole thing about having felt this way before? There is a specific event in my past that really does fit what I've been feeling with this agency. I know that it's a perfect fit. It's something that I'm still horribly traumatized about -- and I have only ever told one single person what happened, recently, via email. Even though I have a VERY different perspective on this event as an adult; even though if I heard of it happening to someone else I would move heaven and earth to correct it; even though I know that it really should be something to be comforted for and not shamed by -- well, I'm still much too ashamed by it to tell anyone. I had decided to try to use that as a way of illustrating what I was feeling, because it *is* exactly the same feeling that I have been having about this agency. I had planned on it, in fact. (That's why I told someone via email, to get a little practice with someone I trusted before I exposed my shameful secret to anyone else.) Anyway, I started to say it, but couldn't. Instead, I used the sexual molestation by my mother's ex-bf as an illustration -- which was still useful, of course, and it did allow the inclusion of other information that the "real" illustration wouldn't have, but it was still pretty traumatic for me.
I'm doing the "remember, this is only the beginning -- and you don't have to finish it all today" reminders to myself, and they do help most of the time, but... And I am at least not currently at the "I need to die NOW" place, which is very good. I'm more at the "Why can't I do anything the easy way?" place, although I've had a wicked case of the "I Can'ts" and the "I'm An Utter Failure At Everythings" today. Also, despite her being slim, pretty, petite, and well-dressed, I do like this new therapist. And those ARE hard for me to get past, you know...
It's good to see you, by the way. Whatcha been up to?
poster:Racer
thread:359157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/359936.html