Posted by Racer on June 9, 2004, at 12:31:31
In reply to look back on the yrs on babble(trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 8, 2004, at 19:43:06
No, I can't tell you what to do with the sadness and hopelessness. Or rather, I can tell you, but it won't help, because I tell myself frequently and it doesn't help me. (It only gives me more to berate myself about.)
I recently reread a bunch of my old posts here, from 98/99 timeframe, and it's pretty intense. On the one hand, it reminds me of how miserable I've been, which adds to my hopelessness. That part isn't good. It also showed me a few things that helped me, though, in very bizarre ways. I remembered what I went through with the doctor who prescribed the Serzone for me way back -- the drug that caused such problems for me that I searched around until I found this place -- and that kinda centered me back into balance, because that situation was truly medical abuse of a patient, and other doctors thought so, too. (The Serzone put me in the hospital, and the surgeon who admitted me tried to convince her to take me off the Serzone, and she refused. He was pretty upset about it, and didn't much hide it. That was external reinforcement of my own perceptions about the situation.)
Reading my old posts also reminded me that I like some of what I wrote back then. If I can write advice that I still think is good several years later, and if I can maintain some consistency in my written 'voice' over time, then I might just be something like the person I wanted to be. It's not much to hold onto, in the face of what life's handing me these days, but if I can continue to hold on -- however tenuously -- to the idea that it's *not* a fundamental flaw in me, but a flaw in the care I have access to right now, that keeps me from being able to be treated successfully -- again, it ain't much, but I'm trying to make believe it's enough. It's not me, it really is them.
Of course, the one thing I am doing is trying to find enough external evidence that it really isn't me that I'll be convinced. I'm not, I probable never will be, but I do have a few things that I reread when I need them. Protocols for the treatment of Major Depression -- Severe that clearly show that I'm not getting the minimal standard of care considered "adequate", for example. Knowing that in some empirical sense my care really is inadequate, as defined by a psychiatric researcher at a recognized facility, helps me hold on to enough hope that adequate treatment will help me.
Sorry, kellyr, I can't tell you how to hold on. I've offered up what I'm trying to do to hold on, and I hope there's something for you in it that might help. The only other thing I can offer is one of those things that sounds like bootstrapping to me when I say it to myself, so I don't really offer it to you -- consider it an observation: if one can find something to concentrate on, the distraction can help. So much the better if it involves contact with others. Volunteering time can be helpful, if you can find an opportunity that fits you. (Some days I think about volunteering to clean cages at the local humane society, for example. Lots of people want to play with the animals, but I bet they need consistent cage cleaners, you know? Sure would make me a popular volunteer, doncha think?) Or, what might work better for you if you aren't ready to go outside the house, is something like painting, needlepoint (tell your husband it's for a pillow, or for therapy -- don't let him say it's a waste of time), learn to weave, sew something, refinish a piece of furniture, take an online course in computer programming -- something to stretch your brain and your creativity and remind you of who you are. Or not. I can't do it right now, so I don't suggest that you're ready for it, either.
Kellyr, here's the only thing I can offer to you: my empathy, and my best wishes. You have those.
poster:Racer
thread:354891
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/355121.html