Posted by Racer on May 24, 2004, at 17:05:33
LOL
So, guess what? I did something positive for myself this weekend. I made a decision. Sure, I'm still second guessing myself and going through all the internal uproar that goes along with it and all that, questioning it every way from Sunday, but you know what? Making a decision that *feels* so right has really relieved a lot of my recent distress.
What's that?
Oh, I quit therapy. Not entirely, of course, because I still believe in the value of therapy so I'll be starting up again in a few weeks -- WITH ANOTHER THERAPIST. And at another agency. Costs a whole lot more, but I've decided that "take what you get, it's better than nothing" is not a good enough reason to continue on this way. The other agency is the one where our marriage counseling takes place, and we see the Director of Counseling Services -- probably because I was such a basket case when our first counselor there resigned -- so she has chosen the therapist she supervises whom she thinks is the best fit for me. That therapist will be available in about two weeks, and I may feel up to starting then, but I've said that I need a break to detox from my current nightmare first, so it's up to me.
And you know what? Damn, if feels good. And you know what else? Damn, it feels really good to be able to post something positive. And you know something else? Damn, it feels so damn good to feel this much better!
I was thinking about what makes the marriage counselor different from the individual counselor. OK, I wasn't, but she asked. What I figured out is that the MC *asks* me things like that. I can't figure out for myself why I trust the one and not the other, but when she asked -- angels sang, radiant light appeared, etc. It's because she asks questions to clarify what I say, instead of just assuming she's got my meaning. She *proves* herself to be trustworthy, and *proves* that she's trying to hear me. The IC asked the other day something like, "What do you need me to do in order to make you trust me?" Sure, that's a partially valid question, but it kinda misses the point, doesn't it? If I have to *tell* you how to be trustworthy, then you're not someone I can trust.
So, I don't know how long it will last, but I'm back to feeling a little more like the Racer I sometimes like to be. It's good to see you all here, too, and someone open that Champagne!
poster:Racer
thread:350205
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/350205.html