Posted by Racer on May 9, 2004, at 11:08:54
This morning I finally figured something out: I'm really angry, and because it's being deflected so much, it's just building up inside me and roiling around and destroying me. Whaddaya know?
For one thing, that 'hypersensitivity' I keep hearing about? It has a very real survival value: I am very sensitive to when other people are a danger to me. I get into trouble when I ignore that feeling -- which I do most of the time, for a lot of reasons -- but if I listened to it, I might be safer overall. So, when I say that I feel as though the doctor was punishing me, maybe it's because I was sensitive to his body language, his demeanor, and maybe he really was punishing me. Will he admit it? Of course not, but the real problem is that I don't trust my therapist to admit that that's a possibility. I have that negative trust that she's going to say that I'm *wrong* about it. In other words, I invalidate myself because everyone around me is invalidating my perceptions and I am so insecure that I believe them. So, what do I do? Learn to ignore those insights into who is a danger to me, so that I can get it *right*? Or do the harder thing: learn that it's not necessarily my failure.
My husband and I have spoken of trying to find another therapist for me, elsewhere. Now, the financial thing is really an issue, so it's not as easy as saying, "Yeah, that's the best thing..." In terms of my care, it is the best thing, but in terms of our survival, it may not be. It's another place where the cure may be as bad as the disease. But I'm thinking harder about it, and it may be what I have to decide to do. Here's the thing: it's not really the money. It *feels* to me that giving up on therapy at this place would be MY failure. Yet another of my failures. Never mind that I *know* they're not helping -- hell, they're harming -- it still *feels* like I'm the one who would fail if I have to change therapists. Don't tell me that's ridiculous, by the way, I already know that. Do tell me if you've experienced the same sort of phenomenon.
My husband says he's never seen me this agitated, and I'm not sleeping well, and feel really lousy. My head hurts, I'm feeling fatter by the second, even though I know that can't be true yet, I feel as if I'm about to explode from the pressure inside me, and I have no confidence whatsoever in anything to do with this drug. When the doctor said that the next step, if this didn't work, was MAOIs -- well, exactly how much honesty can he expect after saying that? I asked about combinations, and he said that they hadn't worked. Well, maybe they would have worked if I'd had some support through the early stages, if I'd been able to get to the therapeutic range? This one is sedating -- I'm feeling quite foggy, despite the agitation -- but I'm not sleeping and feel like a bad special effect in a B grade monster movie from the agitation and anxiety. But ask me again if I'll tell him any of that? So, tell me, with this the gist and sum of it, how I could have any trust or confidence in any of this?
I still haven't decided whether or not to go to my therapy appointment tomorrow. Right now, I think it would be too devastating to hear that I'm fundamentally wrong in all this. For example, "Oh, but the weight gain happens because you eat more and don't exercise..." Oh, that's so helpful. "The doctor cares..." Really? He's like something imaginative in a scifi world: communication comes to a certain distance from him, then stops and gets reflected back. He doesn't listen, he doesn't ask for information, he doesn't communicate. He makes up his mind about what's going on, and goes from there -- without any input from me. He could do our five minutes a month without me being there, so why should I bother to show up?
Heheheh, did I say I was angry? I guess I am. Not only that, I'm venomous today.
There is a good side, though. I got so pissed off at my husband this morning, I stalked up to our bedroom at 7:30 and told him that I was sorry to disturb him, but if I was going to accomplish anything at all today, I had to get started. Then I told him -- again -- that he kept saying he wanted to help, but doing nothing. I told him that he'd promised for three and a half years to take over the vacuuming. I told him that, if he would promise to do it every week, I would try to back away from trying to control when and how it was done -- providing it got done. He's vacuuming now, and I'll do my best to keep my mouth shut about how it's done. Let's see if it happens again.
(You know, I've said it and the therapist has said it and we've both said it a lot: the state of this condo is killing me. It's not on his radar, so it isn't real. But it's killing me. Maybe he'll actually do it this time. Cross your fingers for me on this one.)
I just thought, with all the anguish I offer up here, I oughta try hitting a new note for a change. Hope you're duly appreciative.
poster:Racer
thread:345065
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/345065.html