Posted by Racer on May 5, 2004, at 18:14:23
In reply to Utter meltdown, posted by Racer on May 5, 2004, at 11:38:56
This is just unbearable.
I spoke with my therapist earlier, and after going through the "well, what can you do to help yourself get through this?" routine, I finally said that the only thing I could come up with was to be as close to comatose until my next appointment. (Mind you, this was after a dozen other telephone calls to try to get some real help -- like a quicker appointment, or could the emergency psych ward help keep me from totally freaking out, etc -- and she said she'd talk to the doctor about ordering some benzos to get me through. Well, turns out my husband also called to try to talk to the doctor.
Haven't heard back from the therapist, but the doctor's office called my husband to say that he wouldn't do anything for me because I'd missed my appointments.
OK, that's reasonable -- from their standpoint. From my standpoint, it's back to the land of being punished, distrusting him, etc. Now I feel as if he's going to punish me for missing appointments, he's not going to work with me so much as just push his choice of drugs at me, and won't take my experience of life seriously. "It's not reasonable of you to want to be heard, and it's not my job to do anything to gain your trust. You come in here with your hands out, begging, and so all the power is in my hands."
What an irony: I'm so terrified I'm going to die in a painful, horrible way, and at the same time I'm in so much pain I can't stand to live. What's more, there's no place I can turn for relief from the pain.
Yes, I know, I can share the pain with you and thank whatever gods there are for that. The fact remains, none of you can provide what I need most right now, which is immediate relief to allow me to get through the next few days.
(I did get an appointment made. It's a week away. That will mean that it will be 3 and a half weeks in hell, and this appointment will probably be just a "well, here are our next steps" appointment. Not a "here's the definitive diagnosis" appointment. Can anyone here tell me if that is as unconscionable as it seems to me?)
I don't know how I'm going to get through tonight, let alone the rest of the week, the weekend, etc. At least if I could drug myself out of it, I could survive.
I'm waiting now for my therapist to call back, I left another message for her. I said that the response my husband got had just destroyed me, and I wanted her to confirm or deny that she had spoken to the doctor, and whether she had gotten the same response. Mind you, my husband got the general clinic voicemail, and a call back from a clerk. I'm hoping the therapist got something else, even if it was also "I won't do anything for her because I haven't seen her in so long" -- providing it was directly from the doctor.
No, I haven't been sitting around with my thumb up my butt. I called the dentist and said that the pain killer was killing the pain of the tooth, but that it was also stripping me of my ability to cope with the worry of the cancer watch. I said that it wasn't his responsibilty, but I couldn't get through to my doctor and couldn't seem to cope at all, and would he prescribe some xanax to help me get through the next few days. I haven't heard back from him, either.
This just shouldn't happen.
If the dentist calls and says no, I'm going to have my husband take me to the psych emergency room. Maybe they'll do the compassionate thing. I'd hate to have to go through that, but if I have to, I guess I have to.
poster:Racer
thread:343645
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/343765.html