Posted by Racer on March 13, 2004, at 17:39:56
I just figured this out, and it seems important to me -- in my current impaired state. I feel guilty about asking for what I need, and about asking for anything beyond what's offered to me. Why? Aphorisms!
"Beggars can't be choosers."
"Take what you get, it's better than nothing."
It's always my fault, because I shouldn't need more than someone else can give -- like how unreasonable it was for me, as a kid, to *need* my mother to protect me from her boyfriend. She couldn't do it, it was too hard for her, so it became a very simple problem: I was unreasonable to ask for it. I needed to protect her, that was my job. I could protect her by keeping my mouth shut, not letting anyone else know what went on in our home, not putting pressure on her to break up with him, because then she'd be alone, etc. My job was to keep my head down and my mouth shut.
Guess what? Worked out great for me! Now I'm a middle aged woman, still trying desperately to cooperate and keep my head down and my mouth shut. Trying to make it easier for those people who are supposed to be providing treatment for me, by accepting what they give rather than asking for what I need.
And Shar, thank you. You pointed out something that gets really hard for me, and reminded me of a couple of things I forget easily. Things like the pitfalls of prognostication, the dangers of self-fulfilling prophecies, and the importance of figuring out what you want in order to ask for it.
And cheers to two people in my life: zen hussy, who has been my partner in crime lately, is a port in a storm. She's called me, emailed me, and even come to spend a day helping me at home. With her support and assistance, I was able to tackle some things I just hadn't been able to face on my own. I am quite blessed to have her in my life. And my husband, who has not only provided M&Ms, but has done a lot of things he might not otherwise have enjoyed solely to relieve my turmoil. (We just bought fabric for reupolstering a chair. You know how much men love fabric stores, right? And my opinionated husband didn't object to what I picked out.) He has also volunteered to call this agency and find out how to go about requesting changes be made to my treatment team. Not only did he volunteer to do it, I asked him to do it. We both get a gold star for the day, because he has a hard time offering -- not that he doesn't want to do it, or that he's not interested in breaking a sweat, just that I get so overcontrolling that he is intimidated by offering -- and i have a really difficult time asking.
Maybe I'll say more later about the control thing, because I think it's important and I would like to hear what others have to say.
poster:Racer
thread:324040
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040213/msgs/324040.html