Posted by Racer on March 9, 2004, at 20:34:03
In reply to Re: Waaahhhh!!!! It shouldn't be this blasted hard! » Racer, posted by noa on March 9, 2004, at 18:55:51
Here's my irritation for the day, unlikely to be coherent since I'm still not sleeping. (And the nightmares started again last night. Since I'm well read, and have watched a million late night monster movies, I do nightmares real good...)
Have you ever seen a movie called They Might Be Giants? Stars George C. Scott, Joanne Woodward, and a lot of those character actors you know by sight but not name. He plays a wealthy widower, who has taken on the identity of Sherlock Holmes since his wife's death. She plays a psychiatrist who's been hired to evaluate him for civil committment, and who happens to be named Watson. Mind you, there's a lot more to the movie, which is very affectionately presented fluff with some substance to be found if you're looking. It's been years since I've seen it, but it's a Feel Good movie for me. The gentle affection displayed by almost every character just makes me feel warm and loving.
Anyway, in one scene, Holmes takes Watson to meet his friend the Librarian. (This is all pretty vague, so no real details -- I think he was a librarian?) While Watson is a little defensive with the Librarian about that being her real name, and she really is a doctor, and she's not nuts like Scott, the librarian stops her short and tells her very gently what he sees in Scott's character. He loved his wife, he couldn't process her death, Holmes is a man of reason with little emotion, so he's retreated from the overwhelming pain by taking on the role for a while. He doesn't really believe he is literally Sherlock Holmes, but he needs to be Holmes for a while until he can process his grief. It's one of the most loving, most nuanced, most profound scenes I can think of to illustrate what I'm experiencing right now. Because, in the movie, as Holmes is tilting at windmills, someone really is out to get him. Whether or not they do is ambiguous, which is a real compliment to the viewer.
So, I have a certain amount of confidence in my own perceptions. I really do. When I say that I'm not receiving the respect or the care I should be, it's not because of My Pathology, it's probably because it's true! But the more I say it, the less anyone believes me. You know what I mean? So, here am I, trying to learn to trust my perceptions, despite a history of having them denied. I'm trying to get help, cooperating with the meds, the therapy, etc. I'm really and truly ready to start working in therapy, and was starting to feel I'd made a lot of progress with the last therapist.
And now, I'm being told that I'm profoundly disturbed, that Diagnosis is Destiny, that none of my perceptions CAN be valid, etc. And she's not even interested in talking to me about how I experience my perception of the world! That's not a topic of interest, so let's talk again about birth order in my mother's family. That, you see, is vital information!
So, I'm not feeling confident, and I'm quite worried about being able to receive care at this agency, and I don't have any other options right now. This is the ONLY place I can go for help. Now, let's explore this perception for a moment, shall we? I do realize that it's not clinically relevant to my diagnosis nor to my recovery, but just humor me, eh?
This agency is contracted by the county to provide medication and therapy to the mentally ill and medically indigent. I do not qualify for Medicaid, and cannot afford to pay for these services in my community. There are no sliding scale facilities here, I've looked. There are very few psychiatrists who will see self-pay patients in this area -- I've looked. I can't afford to buy the drugs, but there are the compassion programs out there, so that's less of an issue. I've looked for therapists, but the only ones who will accept self-pay uninsured are either too expensive, or too wacked out themselves. (I did go to one for a while, but it didn't help at all. She was too ready to give me a place to hide in, and not helpful in keeping me on track and moving forward. There was none of the focus I need in order to progress.)
So, let's stop for a moment for a reality check, 'K?
"I feel as if I have no other options available to me at this time."
What is the objective validity of that statement?
Next, I do not feel as if I'm receiving quality care from this agency. What is this feeling based on? Well, it's a feeling, right? But is there any evidence I can point to for support of my perception? Let's see, telephone calls are not returned, that's an objective observation and supports the validity of my stance. When the old therapist left, there was a little bit of support, but not much. The whole thing left me feeling abandoned and adrift. Not a good feeling. Especially since I was feeling so encouraged by the progress I thought I was seeing with her.
I'm going to stop this now, because I'm starting to get too upset. (Aside from the sleep, etc, I have a burning sore feeling, like the one you get with shingles, on my eye and it's really bothering me. I'm alternately afraid it's a herpes infection in my eye, or that it's related to the Lamictal. Either way, I'm afraid to put in my contacts, afraid that it's a virus which has now contaminated my contacts -- which I can't afford to replace -- etc. Crying right now would just irritate that eye thing.)
And about that eye irritation? I'm also afraid to call the doctor to ask him if he'll check whether this is that Lamictal Rash. So, I'm being given drugs that can have potentially lethal side effects, and don't trust that I can call the doctor to check on new signs that something might be going wrong. That, my friends, is not a definition of Quality Care.
So, to bring this to a close that makes any sense at all, I feel like the George C. Scott character in They Might Be Giants. Yeah, I might be suffering from a Serious Mental Illness, but maybe my perceptions are MORE valid than those of the agency employees who are supposed to be providing me services. Sure, they might be windmills...
poster:Racer
thread:322327
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040213/msgs/322614.html