Posted by Racer on February 5, 2004, at 14:32:43
Just what I need, right? My therapist just mentioned -- at the end of our session -- that she's not going to be able to keep her therapy clients. She's taking on a new job, within the same agency, and it's going to mean she can't continue with any of her therapy clients.
OK, so you know that old joke, "Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get me..." Well, that's what it feels like. I'm finally starting to trust her, to open up, to feel strong enough to *work* at this stuff with her, and BOOM -- she's going away.
Then the carousel starts: She's not really abandoning me, she's going to be putting her skills to work for a larger purpose, she's ambitious and satisfying her ambitions, and my happiness for her in doing that should be unalloyed by my own selfish needs. I feel as if I'm going to be thrown adrift, alone, and then I feel as if I must be as wretched a person as I've always thought I was for being so damn selfish and self-centered.
No, she's not abandoning me to the wolves. I'll be assigned to another therapist in the same agency. It may very well turn out to be someone I'll work with just as well, better, almost as well, as I do with this one. That's reality. Reality is that she's moving up and into a position which is likely to allow her to help even more people than she can help one on one. (At least, I hope so, she didn't say what she was going to be doing.) Reality has nothing to do with how I feel. Must be that I'm so screwed up nothing can fix me -- just like that old pdoc said to me -- and if I weren't so screwed up beyond repair, maybe I could be reasonable and just be happy for her in moving towards her own personal goals, and happy for the larger number of people who will benefit from her services.
No, I'm not crying as I write this. I'm not hysterical at all this. I'm expressing my feelings -- and that's one hell of an improvement for me, ain't it?
Thanks for being here for me, everyone.
poster:Racer
thread:309830
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20031122/msgs/309830.html