Posted by Racer on January 29, 2004, at 13:24:52
In reply to Re: re Being Proactive » Racer, posted by judy1 on January 29, 2004, at 11:28:32
what do your instincts tell you about the therp you're dealing with now?
> take care, judySee, that's the problem: my instincts tell me both to trust, and not to trust. (Hey, I guess if I made sense, I wouldn't need the treatment...)
Anyway, about the therapist, this week has started me trusting her a lot more. Both because I accidentally opened up a little more than I expected, and because of her response when I called and asked for a second appointment this week. The first one was one of those things that always amaze me later. From reading my posts, you'd never guess that I can talk a lot, right? Or that, when I talk, I usually talk in terms of logic, and explain in great detail? Naw, you'd never figure that out... Well, I sat down and started talking. Turned out what I ended up talking about was my father -- and all of a sudden, great gulping sobs started. I don't think we figured anything out beyond the fact that my feelings went a lot deeper than I'd ever known, but just finding that out made me feel so much better.
Then, when I called to ask for more, she responded quickly, offered me a choice of appointments -- including one the same day -- and listened and helped get me through both telling her what happened and how the experience left me feeling. Just the fact that I feel so much better from those two sessions makes me trust her a lot more -- because she's proving herself worthy of trust -- and the bonus that she's also saying things that I can process in my logical mind and find valid enhances that trust.
And you know what? It actually feels good to be feeling that kernal of trust.
The pdoc is a different story. That one is a whole lot more complex, and I don't have any kind of a handle on it yet at all. (That's actually what the second session was about.) On the one hand, but on the other, and back to the first hand, except that the other. You know what I mean? Two other problems with the whole mess about him are right in front of me: my husband made plans that conflict with my next appointment, so I'm trying to change it, but I know that he and the therp consult about me, so I'm afraid that will look as if I'm trying to avoid facing him after what she might say; and he's very, very attractive. Imagine, if you will, all the doubts and concerns of a middle aged woman with severe depression and feelings of utter failure faced with a doctor who looks a lot younger than he must be (according to his grad date from med school) and who inspires a great deal of sexual desire. (I can't believe I just admitted that. Still, it's true, he's definitely drool-bait.)
The trust issue with the doctor, though, leads to a vicious circle. He's so likeable, I want to trust him, so I doubt my ability to discern trustworthiness, so I doubt his abilities. Then I berate myself for being so paranoid, and then I withdraw and grow more reticent in my appointments, giving him less chance of proving himself worthy of my trust. You see how my instinctive behaviors or attitudes are maladaptive, right? Hell, I see that they're maladaptive -- and if I could change them as easily as that, I wouldn't need treatment.
So, instincts, schminstincts -- someone get me a beer...
(And thanks for engaging in this dialogue with me. It feels good to be in communication with you.)
poster:Racer
thread:306167
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20031122/msgs/306903.html