Posted by Racer on December 27, 2003, at 0:42:23
In reply to Re: So, why is it...Racer, posted by shar on December 26, 2003, at 21:34:23
I don't know why I react the way I do, except that it's training. The way to train anyone or any horse or any dog is to make it easier to go what you're asking for, and induce discomfort at alternate behavior. Thus, one of my horses gets a sting with the whip when he's naughty, and praise and singing and pets when he's doing what I'm asking for. Same with me, except that it seems both more complicated and more "breaking" than "training" -- you know, the cowboy style "I'll let him know who's boss around here."
The lesson I learned, as a child, was pretty simple: Don't stand up for yourself, it'll only escalate matters, and I'll be hurt more than if I take it to begin with. My mother's boyfriend was emotionally abuse of me, and of my mother. He was one of those people who could sense everyone's insecurities and use them for his attacks. He'd say things like, "You know, Racer's Mother, she could be a pretty girl if you had that nose fixed..." I spent years agonizing over my nose, and still hear jokes from some people about it: "Your nose doesn't have character -- it has a full cast", that sort of thing. (Boyfriend is dead, that last was either my ex-bf making a light joke about something to help me get over worrying about it, or from my cousin, just being cruel. They were both there at the dinner when that one first came up.) Eventually, I learned not to take in Mother's Boyfriend's jibes and survive them. Since he was obviously aiming directly at me, trying to make me feel bad, that didn't suit his needs, so the abuse escalated from emotional to sexual. I was 11, he was a grown man. Guess what lesson I learned? Don't try to stand up for yourself, because that will make things worse than they already are. Mind you, it still escalates, but there's a chance he'll get bored by kicking me down if I never try to get up again.
That's only part of it, of course, because since my mother did nothing to defend me, it left me a target for everyone else. I'm still the target with no defense. When I try to stand my ground, it still escalates. And because I don't fight back, various family members consider me an acceptable target for criticism and mockery and cruelty.
I've practiced, when I was feeling stronger, telling some of them that there are limits, that it is not appropriate to to continue to treat me as if I'm incapable of making my own choices.
You wanna know what really, really sucks? I've done a lot that's worthy of respect and gratitude. I was the only member of the family welcome to my favorite Great Aunt. She treated me with restraint and respect. The one time she started to go into her rant about my grandmother, and how she was terrible to my grandfather, I told her that that was not a topic I was willing to discuss with her. That her sister, with whom she had sibling style issues, was my grandmother, and the time I'd had was precious to me both at the time and as cherished memories; that the difference in relationship made a differnt view, and I didn't think there was any benefit to disagreeing over it when we had the better option of enjoying our own time together. She apologized and never brought it up again.
When that Great Aunt died, her estranged children descended upon her house, to settle her affairs, and when I got there I found all of them ready to explode for their own reasons. I -- I alone, without outside assistance -- smoothed things over so that they could work together to clear out the house, ship everything off, and leave everyone unmaimed. I did that UNTIL my mother and aunt showed up, two women said Great Aunt had refused to see for the last years of her life, after which I was the target for their disrespect and made miserable and embarassed.
The hell of it is that they're people I love. They treat me badly, they insult me to my face, they tell me what I "need to do" without regard to my own experiences or skills or aptitudes, and they make no effort to know me. See, they know what's good for me, and they *have* to tell me about it "for my own good" The other day, my aunt and I were talking and she started a topic that is a real hot button in my marriage: my husband's car. Now, my husband's car was purchased about four months before he was laid off. It has developed a $3000 oil leak, and has not been driven in about a year. He drives my car, leaving me with the choice of chaffeuring him around, or being trapped at home. I do not like him driving my car. Personally, I think, when he was laid off, he should have sold it, and bought something easier to maintain. (My car, for instance, does not have enough parts to develope a $3000 oil leak...) Well, my aunt started in on the stupidity of buying a car he couldn't afford to maintain. Um, when he bought it, he could afford it -- can you say, "Laid Off"? Then she started in on the idea that he get the thing fixed and sell it. I told her that she was preaching to the choir, but it was his decision, and none of her business. That's when she started the Magic Mantra: "It's for your own good, you have to hear this, so I'm going to say it anyway..."
There are different types of respect. There is the respect which is earned by great and very good people, people like Jimmy Carter, Jane Goodall, Fritz Mondale (hey, he told the truth during his presidential campaign). Then there is the simple respect freely given to strangers, acquaintances; a politeness which ALL people deserve until they prove themselves to be undeserving. That's the respect that keeps most of us from walking into someone's house and telling them that the space is wasted, the bathroom should be over there, the stove should be gas rather than electric, and the carpetting is the wrong color. Oh, yeah, and you need to vacuum more often, if once a week is not enouth, vacuum three or four times a week.
What would you do if someone walked into your home and began in that vein?
Well, she's my aunt. I do love her. I look forward with mixed feelings to her visits, but I do look forward to them with a certain amount of enthusiasm, because I love her.
OK, amateurs, tell me what's wrong with me? Or am I just a triumph of early training?
(Oh, yeah, and this is just another Racer Rant. I am grateful to all here for reading, and for your well wishes. I do know you wish me well, as I wish you well. That's why I come back here. Thank you all.)
poster:Racer
thread:293535
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20031122/msgs/293680.html