Posted by allisonm on July 8, 2003, at 20:56:27
In reply to Racer, posted by noa on July 8, 2003, at 16:08:01
Dear Racer,
Five years ago this week, my husband moved out of our house. I later found out he was involved with a woman from work. Five years ago next week my mother died suddenly on the day after my 12th wedding anniversary. I thought it was more than I could bear, working with a divorce lawyer and an estate lawyer at the same time, selling my mother's family's house, trying to sort out the things left over from the failed marriage.
Many many times I contemplated suicide. I had several plans. I thought the pain was too much to bear, but I bore it. I don't know how. I thought I would never be in another relationship again. My husband had told me that my depression made him love me less, that he thought I would never get over my depression. I thought I was fat and unlovable. After all, my husband thought so and I thought he'd always be there.
It's been a hellish road. Confused, shortly after the split and the death, I was involved in an affair with a married man. A couple of years later I was involved with a man who cheated on me regularly. He had a sexual addiction. But I am better off five years later than I think I have ever been. It took a lot of work. I won't lie. But I have turned my life around, gotten out of a working environment that was eating me up, given myself some additional college education, and now have found a wonderful man with whom I am considering marriage and children. I never thought I'd ever have children. I never thought I'd be in another relationship.
In the months and years following the summer of 1998, I would never have guessed I would be where I am now. Life has so many surprises in store for us. Some really suck -- like finding out from my 76-year-old father this last Father's Day that I have a 3-year-old half-sister. (I am 41.) But I can deal with that one because I have so many other good things that have happened to me and that I helped to MAKE happen.
I remember seeing your name when I first started on this board years ago. You are a veteran here. You are in a middle of a really crappy time right now. The bad things are adding up into an unbearable weight. I know it seems endless, but it isn't.
I think what kept me from ending it all was the realization that I was not thinking very very very clearly and I decided to wait until the time when I was. I didn't want to make a premature decicision as it would be a permanent one (Shar's advice is right on, at least for me it was). Life isn't permanent. That is the horror and the beauty of it. Please just try to trust that this horror won't last and that beauty is in the wings. You may have to look really really hard to find it right now, but it is there... in the song of a bird, in a flower, in a sunset. They may be small things, but added together can make something worth living for. Please don't lose hope.
You are not alone. We're here to listen and Greg is right there to listen and help however he can.
Thinking of you and sending hope and prayers.
Alli
poster:allisonm
thread:240126
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20030702/msgs/240184.html