Posted by Noa on December 25, 2002, at 14:38:06
In reply to Well, somebody had to do it....., posted by shar on December 25, 2002, at 11:19:38
Shar, I am so struck by how great you sound! I'm glad your therapist fought with you, too. That's what we pay them the big bucks for, eh?
Goal setting is more than a bit scary. Once upon a time, I used to do it regularly. Hah! Those were the days. I used to keep a journal and once a month (new moon), I would check in and write. I would look at the overal goals I had set up and then write about objectives for the month, also reflecting on how the previous month had gone. It wasn't quite as business-like as it sounds here. It was more flexible than that, but the structure really helped.
But since these years of whammo depression, setting goals is much harder. Last summer, I was trying to teach myself more about time management and organizational skills. I went to the library and took out all the books I could find on the subjects, and spent hours sitting in book stores gleaning what I could. A lot of them start with the premise that you have to identify your life goals/mission statement, etc. before you can organize your time and life. This made me cry--literally--because I hadn't thought about such things in ages and the idea of doing so frightened me. So, I skipped those sections and just gleaned some of the "technical" tips that could help me get better organized at work (my weakness at work).
But it gnawed at me that I couldn't even touch on the subject of goals without crying. Soon after I began talking about that in therapy, first just in reference to the reading on time management. Then, after several months of boring mundane chit chat about everyday life, I got so bored I told my therapist I was sick of being so boring in therapy and felt I was avoiding stuff. For a few sessions we talked around that--ie, how to manage the emotions of talking about real stuff, etc. Then, it didn't take long and I started talking about the fact that I don't know what I want for my future, but I am ready to start considering it, finally after years of just surviving day by day under the oppression of depression. It has been very emotional, indeed, hard work, but I guess I'm ready.
I'm not so ready to crystalize goals, but just thinking about dreams is a big enough deal, because I have been spending a lot of my energy avoiding thinking about dreams that seemed lost forever. A lot of the way I've functioned for a few years has been to numb out not only the depression but also the feelings of sadness and anger about the way my life has turned out so far. (I purposely added the words "so far", but sometimes it feels more acurate without them). So, to think about dreams and hopes is terrifying because of the grief.
I may have to grieve some things, really. I was starting to work on grieving not ever having my own biological child or children, but then this fighting part of me said, wait a minute, before I give up on this one, I need to get some more info and see if it is indeed out of the questions. I've been looking into that a bit. It looks very doubtful, so I am starting to do the grief work somewhat, but it is not a done deal yet.
I guess my goals for the next year are to be able to live like someone who could be a competent parent. I do feel I have the skills to be a competent parent, but the way I live is not a good indication. Biological or adopted, either way, I have to be able to live like someone who could pass even a stringent home study, I guess.
My therapist says he thinks I could do that better on behalf of a child than just for myself. I think he's right.
I also need to work on goals of community involvement. Once upon a time, I did a lot of fulfilling volunteer work, but haven't in a long time. I have, over the years, developed a very isolated lifestyle, and now that I'm not so depressed, it feels kind of empty. So, I feel like it is important for me to do something meaningful.
Anything is more meaningful than hours of computer games, no?
poster:Noa
thread:844
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20020724/msgs/846.html