Posted by noa on December 24, 2002, at 20:38:20
Long time no see.
I guess the long view is I've been better. That, and not having internet at home were why I've been away.
Just set up new internet account at home (have a better computer now, so it is worth it, ie, not a snail's pace) so I thought I'd check in.
Been struggling a bit in the past few weeks, too. Guess that comes with the territory--occasional relapses. Hopefully this won't be too bad. Mostly I'm pretty funcional, but been spending weekends like a hermit sloth.
Funny--I think part of the reason for this low bit is that because of my general improvement over time, I was finally starting to explore my future (yes, I finally figured it was actually there). So, once the everyday survival and coping stuff was starting to get old-hat, my therapy sessions started to get filled with a lot of boring chit-chat until I couldn't take it anymore and told my therapist I was boring both of us to death and how could he stand it anymore!?
Which led to me talking about the real stuff, which is hard, of course--emotional and all, ya know. I was doing ok with it, I suppose, for a while, until some crap starting happening at work, which set me off and set me back somewhat. Snitty memos documenting pathetically small stuff--which obviously portended to some sort of shake up that they needed to have a paper trail to "justify" after the fact. Sure enough, I confronted my boss about it and she fessed up--big restructuring next year that is going to pit me and my colleagues against each other--the people who make coming to work a pleasure every day--now we have to compete for a shrinking number of jobs (oh, and btw--I don't work in the kind of setting where this kind of restructuring is accompanied by decent severence packages--there will be no severance package and I'm not even sure I am eligible for unemployment as we have yearly contracts that offer absolutely no safety).
So--I was talking about my future, but now that means putting aside some of that to deal with the possibility of being out of a job next year. I wasn't ready to start looking for a job. It scares me. And enrages me for umpteen reasons I won't get into here.
I am sure you can relate to how my rage promptly morphed into curling up in bed to mope, or better yet, to numb out (hours of minesweeper and solitaire have aided with the numbing, too).
But sometimes the numbing doesn't work and the depression rears its ugly head.
I'll be ok. It helps to write this to y'all.
Thanks.
poster:noa
thread:830
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20020724/msgs/830.html