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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on March 31, 2004, at 21:08:00
While I was in the hospital, I wrote an 11 page letter to my parents. I mailed it, but intercepted it at home on Tuesday. After some supportive words in a telephone call, I gave it to my parents. Well, they got it Tuesday evening.
Wednesday, morning, Wednesday noon, nothing. Wednesday evening, nothing. It's as if they haven't even looked at it.
I try to say to myself that they were busy, I try to say that it's really long, and maybe they haven't read it. I try to convince myself that peeling the walpaper in the kitchen is really important, and that maybe this letter is too much to deal with.
You know what? Maybe the honest answer is that it just isn't important enough to them. Maybe they don't want to know what's really going on with their kid. Maybe they think I'm just plain crazy. Maybe they think the people I'm working with to get better don't know anything.
I know that if I got a letter like this from my kids, from anyone I care about, I would have read it by now. I would have talked to them by now.
It sucks, but my parents have let me down, and let me down in a very big way. It hurts, alot. I guess that it's really time to admit this. I can maybe recognize them as simply ignorant, and not blame them. In the end though, the simple truth is that I haven't been able to depend on them, I can't now, and I'll likely not be able to in the future. I hope I'm better thAn that for my kids.
Dee.
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 31, 2004, at 21:42:59
In reply to The letter, posted by deirdrehbrt on March 31, 2004, at 21:08:00
I am so sorry, my guess is that they really are messed up themselves maybe by their folks who knows and they dont know HOW to handle this. THE GOOD thing is YOU know it is off and will not do that to your kids ...youre ahead of the mess...still I am sorry for you
HUGS
Posted by Dinah on March 31, 2004, at 22:01:17
In reply to The letter, posted by deirdrehbrt on March 31, 2004, at 21:08:00
I'm sorry, Dee. Maybe they just don't know what to say, or are waiting for you to say something first.
People sometimes just don't know how to reach out.
But please do what you need to do to keep yourself safe.
Posted by fallsfall on March 31, 2004, at 22:21:45
In reply to The letter, posted by deirdrehbrt on March 31, 2004, at 21:08:00
Dee,
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Be who YOU are, because YOU are very special.
Falls.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on March 31, 2004, at 23:44:57
In reply to Re: The letter » deirdrehbrt, posted by fallsfall on March 31, 2004, at 22:21:45
You guys are so wonderfull.
As far as my parents being messed up, they are. They are though, experts in some fields. Denial, unwillingness to understand, religionism, and others. I used to think that it was my job to protect them from me; not that I wanted to hurt them, but that by merely being me, I was hurting them. If I was hurting them, I was bad.I don't want to talk bad about them, but they have been very bad for me. When I was in grade school, I was beat up most every day. In 8th grade, they decided that if I wasn't getting along with my classmates, the best idea was to keep me back. No failing grades, it was just because 'I' couldn't get along. Then there are the (major) injuries no-one knows about, the disinterest in my schoolwork, and all of the other things that I don't want to happen to my kids.
Despite what I wish for, they aren't going to come through for me. Even were they to do so, I think it's too little, too late. I think I was just trying to give them a chance but that the effort has brought to light what has happened in the past. I can't keep trying to change history. They are who they are, and I have learned to be more than what they made me. My kids don't have to suffer the way I did.
Please don't take the above as bitterness, or hatred for my parents. I still love them, I just needed to learn that part of the reason I am so messed up is because of what I experienced as a child. I coluldn't, nor can I depend on them for nurturing. They aren't that kind of people. If I show up, dressed apropriately, and I'm hungry, they will feed me. They don't though, know how to touch me. If I have a splinter that I can't get out, my dad will do that.
On the other hand, when I once tried to start a business, I was told that I shouldn't do that, it was a scary thing that I couldn't do alone. I was discouraged from trying to be a musician. I could learn guitar, but shouldn't try to make a living at music.
I don't know. I guess I'm a bit b**chy. I'm tired. I have stomach cramps. It's late. I'm alive though, and see things clearer, and I have good friends and my daughter took good care of my cat, and I have a wonderfull therapist and my bear and pillows are comfy. I have two marvelous daughters. Do you know what? I may not have everything I had wished for, but I'm happy I've got what I have.
Dee.
Posted by Poet on March 31, 2004, at 23:45:42
In reply to The letter, posted by deirdrehbrt on March 31, 2004, at 21:08:00
Hi Dee,
I'm sorry they hurt you. Maybe they just need more time to read through it and think about what you said?
No matter what, you are a good person, and try hard not to let their lack of response trick you into thinking otherwise.
Poet
Posted by Karen_kay on April 1, 2004, at 6:58:03
In reply to Re: The letter, posted by deirdrehbrt on March 31, 2004, at 23:44:57
((((Dee)))))
It's hard. What I've learned from my wonderful parents is that I can depend on them for the wonderful things they can do for me. They things they can't, on the other hand, I've either learned to do for myself, or I've learned to get from friends, relatives or even strangers. And it's been a wonderful lesson for me to learn. I feel that in a way it will help to become that much of a more caring and wonderful parent to my own children, if I do decide to have them. It still hurts knowing that I can't always call my mother for certain things, but I know who I can call. And I know that perhaps one day I'll have a daughter who can always call me, and that makes it (to me) a lesson worth learning.
I know that I'm not being helpful. I wish I could say something to take your pain away. Parents can't always be perfect. I wish they were. I wish your parents treated you as wonderful as you should be treated. But, in turn, I think you'll treat your daughters that much better. I think we learn a lot of things from our parents. And we don't always learn them through their wonderful actions. But we can always turn their not so wonderful actions into beautiful actions on our part. Again, I'm sorry you are hurting. But, just remember your marvelous daughters. And don't give up hope that one day you'll be able to reach your parents. I'm holding out hope I'll be able to reach my mother....
Posted by Dinah on April 1, 2004, at 7:38:41
In reply to Re: The letter, posted by deirdrehbrt on March 31, 2004, at 23:44:57
You're right. You do have a lot of good things in your life and it's best to concentrate on those. And the fact that you are a decent worthwhile very nice person.
Karen Kay is right. It just isn't helpful to keep looking for something that someone isn't able to give. I have that problem with my own family. So let your father take out your splinter, accept what they can give, but also accept that you have other places and other people to get the other stuff from. It's not you. Parents are people too, with their own limitations.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on April 1, 2004, at 18:32:44
In reply to Re: The letter, posted by Dinah on April 1, 2004, at 7:38:41
Hey everyone,
Thought you might like to know, I'm feeling a bit better about things, and I'll let you know what has happened to prompt this.
Last night, I was up late. I was worrying and stressing. I finally got to sleep, had some weird dreams, and finally, at about 10:00 got up. I spoke to a real good friend, and did some thinking,
I realized that I've never been able to count on my family for much at all. I can love them, but depending on them is out. I realize that it's worse to count on someone and be let down than it is to not count on them in the first place. I choose the second option now. If they do something nice, then great. I don't have to set myself up by depending on them though.
So, it's Thursday evening, they got it on Tuesday, and I haven't heard boo. It doesn't matter anymore. If I need to count on people, I have my friends; I have Babble. Thank you all.
Dee.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 1, 2004, at 22:03:58
In reply to Re: The letter, the update, posted by deirdrehbrt on April 1, 2004, at 18:32:44
It was really profound and freeing for me when I learned this lesson, too. I had a similar situation when something important happened (a major school milestone), and I never heard anything from them. Not even when I got my Master's.
When I learned this, I also included Babblers in those I could count on. It's really saying a lot for Babble-land if it can provide so much that parents cannot.
Take care! You were so brave to send the letter in the first place. That's what counts!
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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