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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by justyourlaugh on January 31, 2003, at 10:32:03
tina,
i dont feel very welcome on this board.
i feel like i am trying to break into a cicle of friends whose backs are turned.
i feel like the world has turned away from me.
i dont care much anymore..
husband is away in another country...
having a horrible time being so lonely.
thinking about a way to make it better..for today anyway..booze...more meds ,,and then a few more.
shit
j
Posted by tina on January 31, 2003, at 11:14:02
In reply to t, posted by justyourlaugh on January 31, 2003, at 10:32:03
"a circle of friends with their backs turned"
That's exactly how I feel most of the time in every aspect of my life. Completely on the outside of everything. Unwelcome, unseen.
Sorry you're going through the same thing.
I wish I could drink. I can't handle alcohol at all and I'm not on meds right now. I'm in the process of changing to a new one and I have to be off the old one for 2 weeks.
I wish I could sound more positive but it's just not in me these days...or should I say this year.
sorry.
take care J
t
Posted by justyourlaugh on January 31, 2003, at 17:54:55
In reply to Re: t » justyourlaugh, posted by tina on January 31, 2003, at 11:14:02
tina,
i truely know the feeling and i am sorry too that you feel bad.
i take 4 different medications and i know they are not working.
i am not looking for happiness.
i want to be able to function and want to be apart of the world.
i am not-nor do i want to be.
i do nothing day after day after day....
i am wasting away
j
Posted by tina on February 1, 2003, at 15:19:10
In reply to Re: t » tina, posted by justyourlaugh on January 31, 2003, at 17:54:55
I feel like I'm wasting away too jyl. I feel like my whole existence on this planet has been one big waste.
I'd like to feel a part of things but I don't and don't expect to. I am convinced I'll feel like this forever so expectations are very very low.
Plus, if I do have a not bad kind of day, I always KNOW that it'll get back to crap almost immediately so I'd rather not have the not bad moments, you know? Seems easier to just stay at a constant low level rather than feeling ok knowing that going back into the pit is a surety.
Posted by justyourlaugh on February 1, 2003, at 15:42:03
In reply to Re: t » justyourlaugh, posted by tina on February 1, 2003, at 15:19:10
tina,
i hate this rollercoaster of medication that ive started.iwant to stop but i am afraid i might go "off the wall"again.
i hate getting up each day for the same damb thing.
i havent had a drink in 8 days...
id rather be so very drunk than this.
but hey tina-
life goes on-with or with out us.
what if i get reicarnated into a bird stuck in a cage day after day?bummer...
but thats how i feel now.
jyl
Posted by tina on February 2, 2003, at 15:18:22
In reply to Re: t, posted by justyourlaugh on February 1, 2003, at 15:42:03
> i havent had a drink in 8 days...
****this is good right?> id rather be so very drunk than this.
> but hey tina-
> life goes on-with or with out us.
> what if i get reicarnated into a bird stuck in a cage day after day?bummer...
> but thats how i feel now.
> jyl
****Yeah, me too. Just like I'm stuck in a cage. Well, maybe more of a prison cuz I put myself here I think. Sometimes I think so anyway. Damn brain chemicals......sometimes I just get so pissed off. Why can't I be functional, happy, UNanxious. No wonder I'm depressed.
This cell seems like it's been getting smaller over the years too and I'm very claustrophobic.peace
tina
Posted by justyourlaugh on February 2, 2003, at 15:38:41
In reply to Re: t » justyourlaugh, posted by tina on February 2, 2003, at 15:18:22
hey tina,
yah i sure feel guilty that i put myself here in this state aswell.
i left the house today-yah!!
to get a big bottle of red wine.boo:(
i hate it but its a cheap drunk.
i stopped taking seroquel -it was making me twich.
hoping the wine will help me sleep.
have a good night-or a peaceful one
jyl
Posted by tina on February 3, 2003, at 12:37:11
In reply to Re: t, posted by justyourlaugh on February 2, 2003, at 15:38:41
I'm glad you got out of the house.
Sometimes a quick nip feels good. I remember how relaxed I got when I drank. I haven't relaxed a single muscle in about 10 years. Even when asleep I sleep completely tense. I wake up with aching muscles and a clenched jaw. Every day.
when I DO actually sleep that is. last night was a tosser. Up and down, waking often. Very annoying.
I hope the wine helped you sleep.
take care JYL
tina
Posted by justyourlaugh on February 4, 2003, at 7:34:51
In reply to Re: t » justyourlaugh, posted by tina on February 3, 2003, at 12:37:11
hi tina,
the wine did not help at all..
i started getting really wacky from lack of sleep.
so i had to take my seoquel to sleep last night.
i slept for 14 hours.
now i dont have to sleep again for a couple of days-ha ha.
have a good day tina.
take care
jyl
Posted by tina on February 4, 2003, at 10:21:30
In reply to Re: t » tina, posted by justyourlaugh on February 4, 2003, at 7:34:51
I'm glad you got some sleep. Life is 10 times harder when one can't sleep. I know the feeling well.
Sorry, having trouble with words today. Do you ever get that way? You just don't know what to say or how to say it? It's frustrating.
have a good day jyl
t
Posted by justyourlaugh on February 4, 2003, at 15:37:31
In reply to Re: t » justyourlaugh, posted by tina on February 4, 2003, at 10:21:30
hi tina,
i am having a hard time doing anything today(like most days).
the guilt of "wasting away"is really getting to me.
ive been on the verge of tears all day.
the person looking back at me in the mirror looks so old now:(
.anyway,how was yourday?
jyl
Posted by tina on February 5, 2003, at 9:21:14
In reply to Re: t, posted by justyourlaugh on February 4, 2003, at 15:37:31
I had a 'usual' day for me jyl. Did nothing. Stared at the television in a zombie-like way. There's nothing good on tv but there I am, sitting on the sofa, staring at it anyway.
I did manage to do a load of laundry but it's still sitting in the dryer....I hate folding.
I totally relate to the wasting away feeling and the strange reflection in the mirror.
I'm also on the verge of tears most of the time. Last night I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling getting more and more upset for no reason. Then I got mad at myself for getting upset. Needless to say I had a bad night.
Ah well, thems the breaks right?
maybe today will be better for both of us.
take care
tina
Posted by Dinah on February 5, 2003, at 10:01:05
In reply to Re: t » justyourlaugh, posted by tina on February 5, 2003, at 9:21:14
Don't mean to break in, but I just wanted to tell you both that I'm sorry you're feeling poorly. It's a shame that the meds aren't working better. Do your pdocs have any ideas of where to go from here?
Posted by justyourlaugh on February 5, 2003, at 17:03:47
In reply to Re: Tina and Just Your Laugh, posted by Dinah on February 5, 2003, at 10:01:05
hi tina-
today was an awful day-cant seem to get my head off the pillow for very long.
cnn didnt help much at all.
but...my thoughts are not as destructive.
thats a plus.
take care tina,ill write again tomorrow.
jyl
dinah,
hey thanks for the reply.
you are not budding in.
my pdoc said if i dont improve he wants to try lithium(that stuff scares me).
so for the time being -i tell myself of all the improvements i have made.
mabe some might even be true.
jyl
Posted by tina on February 6, 2003, at 9:32:27
In reply to Re: Tina and Just Your Laugh, posted by justyourlaugh on February 5, 2003, at 17:03:47
Hey dinah,
just like jyl said, you aren't butting in. I don't have a pdoc, just a GP and she's trying everything. She's on vacation right now until the middle of april. she takes sabbaticals twice a year because she's also a painter and owns a small island so she goes away to immerse herself in her art. She's pretty eccentric in my opinion but that seems fitting.
*******************************************8
Hi ya jyl
Sorry your day was crappy. I'm feeling that way today. I didn't want to get out of bed, I lay there until 10:15am just hating the idea of being awake. Every morning I wake up(if I sleep) I am disappointed. I wish I could just not wake up, you know? I don't want to face yet another day of this misery and waste.
Why does lithium scare you? I took it for a little while and had no adverse effects except the fact that it made me manic which was the opposite to what the doc wanted of course. So, I had to get off that too.
You want scary??? My doc wants me to start taking Effexor next week. I'm terrified. I haven't heard good things about it and I'm already extremely sensitive to serotonin drugs. I really don't want to take it but I can't keep going like this. *ROCK <me> HARD PLACE*
I hope today is better.
t
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