![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lucie lu on February 9, 2009, at 12:35:40
I misjudged my appointment time today by 15 minutes. It was not our usual time, and I just messed up. The irony is that I had actually arrived early (I thought) and spent that 15 minutes outside sitting in the car. I realized my mistake as soon as I got to the office. We talked about things discussed over the weekend on Babble - abandonment, attachment, wanting to feel special. We talked about the metaphor of the rose and the prince and how I have finally grown enough to feel secure in our relationship. But somehow things were off. I felt I was mouthing the words but was really somewhere else, and our sentences were leading to dead ends. The last session had been one of exceptional closeness, so I was disappointed. Then we had to stop since it was a shortened session. I was irritated at both of us me of course for screwing up, and him for not calling me sooner to see where I was. Then I left. I was reasonably adult about the whole thing.
As I walked to my car, the tears started coming. Now I felt inconsolable. My feelings emerged chaotic and intense, from a small childs fury to the gut-punch pain of an unexpected loss. And far from what wed talked about in session, I wanted to put as much distance as possible between me and any future opportunity to be so vulnerable. I wanted to cancel the next x number of sessions, leave town, take a vacation, anything other than return and confront any of this again. As for our work together, I felt like tearing up my metaphorical notebook and throwing the pieces up in the air. Everything we had been talking about seemed like tea-party chatter in comparison to these raw, primal, powerful feelings. I wanted to shout Everything I said was all crap. This is how I really feel. Are you happy now? Are you happy to see me reduced to this howling thing?
Being in therapy can really suck and that never seems to change.
Posted by TherapyGirl on February 9, 2009, at 17:03:59
In reply to session mess-up, posted by lucie lu on February 9, 2009, at 12:35:40
Been there, done that (and usually when I desperately need the session). I hate that worse than almost anything.
And I'm sorry. (((((((Lucie)))))))
Posted by rskontos on February 9, 2009, at 19:36:40
In reply to Re: session mess-up » lucie lu, posted by TherapyGirl on February 9, 2009, at 17:03:59
I am so sorry!
I once showed up three hours early! yuk. I still hate thinking about that time.
yup, therapy does suck.
my new job sucks too.
rsk
Posted by lucie lu on February 9, 2009, at 20:18:39
In reply to session mess-up, posted by lucie lu on February 9, 2009, at 12:35:40
This has happened before. Each time, I look at my calendar that morning, note the correct appt time, and then show up some other time. Last time, I missed the appt altogether.
I remember that the last time this happened, the missed session happened to follow one where I had felt unusually close to my T. Same thing this time. Hmmmmm. (Think, Lucie, think.) Could I be messing up the time on purpose, maybe to distance myself from the anxiety of feeling too close?
Can the unconscious really be so powerful as to reset and override our inner clocks?
Posted by DAisym on February 10, 2009, at 0:36:37
In reply to session mess-up, posted by lucie lu on February 9, 2009, at 12:35:40
Sometimes it is really scary to share our growth and insights. And it can set off a chain reaction of worry about being too together (But I'm not done yet!) or not hearing him say loudly enough, "exactly - that is exactly how I feel too." Because then we wonder if this is all really just one sided.
And I imagine that there is some panic about reconnecting on a Monday, with a suddenly short session and staying in your head (from what you wrote) most of the time. All those feelings came roaring out later. All the disappointment and longing and probably wanting something from him that you didn't even know at the time you wanted and needed. I'm betting that the need to run is partly due to the intensity of the hurt and the surprise of it. Ug - I hate sessions that go that way.
I'd ask for a do over - a mulligan. Did you call and let him know you were upset?
I hope you feel better tomorrow.
Posted by seldomseen on February 10, 2009, at 3:08:56
In reply to maybe not an accident?, posted by lucie lu on February 9, 2009, at 20:18:39
I think our minds can do some very powerful stuff to keep us safe.
I'm so sorry that you experienced this kind of pain, but perhaps in some way it is leading you to some kind of truth, and closer to some kind of peace.
My therapist posits the concept a fear/wish which I find especially helpful. Something we want so badly, but are mortially afraid will happen. I have a particularly strong fear/wish about going into hospital. I so wish I could just give up sometimes, but I'm so afraid of losing my life to the control of others. Of course, I also to this day have a fear/wish in relation to him.
I completely understand throwing the metaphoric notebook up in the air. It is so nice and so safe to build these wonderful elaborate constructs about our therapy, but sooner or later we are confronted with life outside of these contructs. You're right it sucks. It's a pain that I think we have to absorb and incorporate. I hope one day I will fully integrate that what we have is enough.
To this end I think the more I progress in therapy, the closer those contructs are coming to synching up with the actual therapeutic experience. They are becoming less about our relationship and more about me and my understanding of myself.
On the other hand, it has also been my experience that when there is a therapy misfire - especially after a particular close session, that the perceived rejection feels particularly acute.
There is an expectation that the subsequent session will be as close, and I so want that closeness, but lightening rarely strikes twice in a row you know?
Keep talking.
Peace
Seldom.
Posted by Sharon7 on February 10, 2009, at 6:27:21
In reply to session mess-up, posted by lucie lu on February 9, 2009, at 12:35:40
Good morning, Lucie. ((((lucie)))) I could relate so well to what you were feeling.
What if those times when we think our therapy was an absolute disaster were actually the times we experience the most growth? Maybe it's critical to our development that we re-experience these "primal" emotions stirred up in therapy (and by our relationship to/with our therapist.) It sure would be nice to think there was something good that could come of them.
As for whether you subconsciously missed your appt time on purpose, it's possible, but you did say it was not your regular time, so it could have just been a fluke, unless there is a pattern of this.
I hope you will have a good day today. Take care. (o:
Sharon
Posted by antigua3 on February 10, 2009, at 6:31:46
In reply to maybe not an accident?, posted by lucie lu on February 9, 2009, at 20:18:39
Aha! I have done this before, especially when I've been so looking forward to going. I've arrived early and been gently sent away, experienced being double booked, gone on the wrong day (Yikes, but that was a huge learning experience), but I don't think I've never shown up.
For me, I know it's about the push/pull of therapy. That said, it's not really so unusual, so don't be so hard on yourself, OK?
antigua
Posted by backseatdriver on February 10, 2009, at 8:05:19
In reply to Re: maybe not an accident? » lucie lu, posted by antigua3 on February 10, 2009, at 6:31:46
I'm so sorry this happened to you, Lucie... I think you're so right about therapy just sucking sometimes.
Also I have a selfish thing to say: The next time this happens to me, which it will, I'm going to think of you, and how bravely and gracefully and masterfully you've gone through this particular circle of fire.
You're an inspiration.
BSD
Posted by Phillipa on February 10, 2009, at 12:45:44
In reply to Re: maybe not an accident?, posted by backseatdriver on February 10, 2009, at 8:05:19
I was thinking of trying to find a therapist again now not so sure I want to as seems you guys seem to feel worse. Am I misreading? Phlllipa
Posted by rskontos on February 10, 2009, at 14:02:47
In reply to maybe not an accident?, posted by lucie lu on February 9, 2009, at 20:18:39
> This has happened before. Each time, I look at my calendar that morning, note the correct appt time, and then show up some other time. Last time, I missed the appt altogether.
>
> I remember that the last time this happened, the missed session happened to follow one where I had felt unusually close to my T. Same thing this time. Hmmmmm. (Think, Lucie, think.) Could I be messing up the time on purpose, maybe to distance myself from the anxiety of feeling too close?
>
> Can the unconscious really be so powerful as to reset and override our inner clocks?
Absolutely!!!rsk
Posted by lucie lu on February 10, 2009, at 14:10:53
In reply to session mess-up, posted by lucie lu on February 9, 2009, at 12:35:40
Thank you all for your thoughtful and supportive posts. It seemed so silly for me to get so upset over 15 minutes, for Pete's sake, yet somehow it did feel important to me. I've been thinking a lot about it since. First, I have realized that *both* responses are equally me - the rational adult one who is progressing in therapy and the irrational one with the crazy, primitive emotional responses. Second, I made some observations about resistance. I have to face the obvious fact that my getting better hastens the end of a very important relationship. This is something I have been struggling a lot with recently. I don't have time to talk about it now but will in a later post. This is all part and parcel of what's been happening within me since the fall, when I took a time-out from Babble to work on some things. I'm starting to see connections I didn't see before.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you guys - you are all so great :)
Lucie
Posted by antigua3 on February 11, 2009, at 6:49:56
In reply to thank you all, posted by lucie lu on February 10, 2009, at 14:10:53
While getting better probably does, in reality, "hasten" the end of therapy, you're not going anywhere any time soon. You won't leave until you're ready and worrying about it now is something maybe you should discuss w/your t. It means something to you--getting better may be equated with the separation, or abandonment perhaps?
It doesn't have to be that way. Actually, I don't think it does, at least not for me. I see the end in some ways and I recognize that there will come a day when I won't need them, but it's actually further off than I expected. So discuss it; you may be thinking that "nope, you're not going to get better if that means I risk abandonment."
antigua
Posted by lucie lu on February 11, 2009, at 17:04:44
In reply to Re: thank you all, posted by antigua3 on February 11, 2009, at 6:49:56
> While getting better probably does, in reality, "hasten" the end of therapy, you're not going anywhere any time soon. You won't leave until you're ready and worrying about it now is something maybe you should discuss w/your t. It means something to you--getting better may be equated with the separation, or abandonment perhaps?
>
> It doesn't have to be that way. Actually, I don't think it does, at least not for me. I see the end in some ways and I recognize that there will come a day when I won't need them, but it's actually further off than I expected. So discuss it; you may be thinking that "nope, you're not going to get better if that means I risk abandonment."
> antigua
Yes, that absolutely is what I'm thinking :( My hope is that at some point I will want to make the move myself. But not yet I guess.
Posted by lucie lu on February 11, 2009, at 17:05:32
In reply to Re: thank you all, posted by lucie lu on February 11, 2009, at 17:04:44
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.