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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raisinb on September 17, 2008, at 11:59:57
I'm awash in confusion. I've changed very rapidly in the past six months (not to mention monkeying around with different med trials) and most of the time I feel like I don't know myself--and I'm experiencing feelings about therapy I haven't had before.
My therapist told me a couple of months ago that she's pregnant again and will be going on maternity leave (about 6 weeks) in mid-February. I had a terrible reaction to this, initially, and ever since, she's brought it up every session.
Ever since I can remember, I've been afraid of being abandoned and rejected by her. I had violent, near-suicidal reactions to canceled sessions or evidence of indifference several times. I usually feel intense love, sexual attraction, or at the very least, a deep connection. If I am angry at her, it's because of real or perceived rejection.
But for the first time ever, I kind of wish she'd start canceling sessions. I feel guilty even writing this, but to tell the truth, I'm sick of her. When she brings up her pregnancy, I feel annoyed, and want to say, "you know, this is *your* problem. I didn't do this. It isn't my fault. Why do I have to talk about it? Why do I have to spend my therapy time on it?" I wish I could get away from her in these moments. I understand why she's pushing me on this; it's what I would've wanted her to do, and what I still think, intellectually, she *should* be doing. But I go in and I feel like I have to do all this work that isn't properly mine. Or something like that.
For the first time, I feel things toward her that I feel, as an adult, towards my mother. I hate hearing my mother's whiny, needy voice on my phone. I hate having to be *her* mother. I get sick of her and I want to be alone when I have to spend a lot of time with her. I don't feel nearly this level of aversion towards my therapist (and it's mixed with the love and appreciation I do still feel) but it is still scary because I know this relationship is the most important one in my life (even though I don't feel it very often lately) and I don't want it to disintegrate.
I am just confused. Is it termination time? I don't feel any huge horror or sadness at the idea. But why not? It's just strange. And the circumstances right now are just not conducive to terminating the right way, if she's going on leave in February. Maybe I've just emotionally detached without realizing it, because of her pregnancy? If so, how do I reverse it when I didn't realize I was doing it? Is it just the meds?
I don't know. I am just confused. I don't know who I am or what I feel, the last few months. Sorry for the long post. Any wisdom would be appreciated :)
Posted by sassyfrancesca on September 17, 2008, at 13:54:33
In reply to unprecedented therapy feelings *long*, posted by raisinb on September 17, 2008, at 11:59:57
((Raisinb))): It is really hard to know, but perhaps like you said, maybe you are just trying to prepare yourself.
Can you tell her (with some of what you just wrote) about how you feel?
I wouldn't think that bringing up her pregnancy, etc....would be helpful to you right now; but maybe she is trying to prepare you?
Will you want to see another t while she is on leave?
Hugs n Love, Alice
Posted by rskontos on September 17, 2008, at 17:43:52
In reply to unprecedented therapy feelings *long*, posted by raisinb on September 17, 2008, at 11:59:57
raisinb,
Let me ask a question first so that i might better understand. When she brings up the pregnancy, exactly how does she do that?
You could do what I did the last time, I felt sessions were just flat, going no where. I went in and said "exactly what should I be talking to you about so that I am well. Or at least better. Because I am never going to like people. I like being alone and I don't see how coming in here and chatting about stuff is helpful."
Well, this opened up a whole different type of dialogue.
Do you just ever approach her directly? In that you could just say why the hell are we always talking about your pregnancy. It wasn't my idea and now I am feeling so disconnected from you why don't we stop seeing each now. You go be pregnant. Now that might sound mean but it would surely open up dialogue.
I understand if you can't confront her directly. I waited awhile to say anything and spent many a days after sessions being quite frustrated with T and myself for talking trivial crap. I even told him I was tired of talking to him.
It could be that you are ready to terminate but then it could be a protection device on your part. Now it might be that she is justing trying to help you deal and is being more obtuse than direct. She may not realize you don't like how she is handling it unless you speak up about your confusion.
Maybe you could just tell her she is reminding you of your mother and ughh that just isn't cool.
And really she may not be herself. And doesn't realize it either. THose pregnancy hormones sure do change a person.
I guess what i am really trying to say in my rambling way, is you gotta talk it out.
I am sorry you are confused. It is a current state of mind for me right now so you do have company if that is any comfort.
rsk
Posted by Dinah on September 17, 2008, at 22:00:57
In reply to unprecedented therapy feelings *long*, posted by raisinb on September 17, 2008, at 11:59:57
My experience with even minor absences is that I develop a lot of self protective thoughts and feelings.
I think I'd be feeling a lot of the same things you're feeling. I'd also be feeling angry with my therapist, in a way that I might not have felt was logical or "nice" enough to express.
I don't know the answer. It is a legitimate interruption of your therapy. It is an intrusion of her life into the therapy relationship and therapy space. (Literally even.) You will have to deal with her absence for a very long time. I'm actually a bit surprised at how long. My son's therapist had a maternity break, and wasn't gone anywhere near six weeks. I'm guessing she didn't take on any new clients, but she made an effort to find someone to stay with the baby long enough for her to meet with a her long term clients for the sake of continuity. Maybe that's because she's a child therapist and she realizes how long an absence can seem to a child. But... Well... I'm not sure I'm any different.
My therapist's six week absence was very hard for me. It would have been even harder if I wasn't so shell shocked and confused. Even so, I did consider while he was gone that he was gone for good. I made plans for my life without him. And I was pretty angry with him.
I understand it's not her fault. And I know she hasn't done anything wrong. But those feelings don't have to be logical.
This is probably the completely wrong thing to say, but if I were you I think I'd do whatever I needed to feel safe. Including feeling negatively about her, or including feeling detached.
Posted by lemonaide on September 17, 2008, at 22:36:18
In reply to unprecedented therapy feelings *long*, posted by raisinb on September 17, 2008, at 11:59:57
Maybe you are removing yourself emotionally because you don't want to be hurt so bad again. But sometimes this is a good thing, self protection. I suspect your T might now you are doing this, so she is trying to get you to open up about it.
This is the end of the thread.
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