![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ayla_auel on September 7, 2008, at 17:11:11
I was wondering if anyone has ever experienced their therapist crying during a session? Is it normal? can you please tell me about it? thanks
Posted by Phillipa on September 7, 2008, at 17:54:01
In reply to therapist crying, posted by ayla_auel on September 7, 2008, at 17:11:11
Someone will pop in and have the answer for you. How did that make you feel? Love Phillipa
Posted by JayMac on September 7, 2008, at 18:18:44
In reply to therapist crying, posted by ayla_auel on September 7, 2008, at 17:11:11
> I was wondering if anyone has ever experienced their therapist crying during a session? Is it normal? can you please tell me about it? thanks
Hi Ayla,
Welcome to Psycho Babble! I have experienced a former T (therapist) crying during the session. In fact, she cried 2 times in front of me. The first time was because I said something that touched her. The 2nd time was because our therapy had come to an end and we both cried saying goodbye. The first time I was confused, then she explained why she was crying, which I understood. The second time, I was surprised by her reaction. I was already bawling, but to see that I had an affect on her made it even harder to let go.Honestly, I think it depends on why your T cried. Where they crying because of their own personal reasons? Something you said that struck them? Did they cry to feel for you (instead of you crying were they crying)? I think the context of their tears is important. I understand it is completely ackward to have your T crying in front of you. At the same time, they are human, and it can be a relief to see them as such. Crying is normal, but within the context of the theraputic relationship, it is not to be expected that the therapist cry. I think most therapists would not want to feel vulnerable in front of a patient like that.
I think if I saw my current T cry, I might want to walk out the door. I need her to be strong so that I can feel safe to get my own stuff out. If she were crying because of something I said that touched her, I would probably end up crying too.
If you don't mind my asking, what was the situation? How did you feel? What do you feel now? Have you spoken with your T about it since?
Jay
Posted by raisinb on September 7, 2008, at 18:37:16
In reply to therapist crying, posted by ayla_auel on September 7, 2008, at 17:11:11
Oh yeah! It's happened several times over the course of our therapy (3 1/2 years). It's always been an intense experience for me--good and bad.
The first time was the first time I was expressing serious hurt and rage. She was handling it well, reassuring me that she could handle me, that she wanted to work with me (I felt abandoned because of some canceled sessions), until I said, "do you understand that you have to mean all this s*t you say to me?" She choked and started--literally--sobbing. She recovered and apologized quickly, but it was still really something. In part, I loved it--it meant she cared. Of course I also felt guilty, disturbed, and shocked. I was emotionally reeling for days.
It happened again a couple of times when we were fighting. Depending on where we were, my responses varied. I was annoyed because she couldn't control herself, or I felt sad because our relationship was so rocky, or I let go of my anger in the face of her vulnerability, or a combination.
She's also cried a bit when I have talked about sad things, like needing someone to take care of me. She cried, I'm pretty sure, once on the phone when I was in a bad place, but couldn't talk to her because I mistrusted her so much at that point. This meant a lot to me, because I could see that she was upset because she wanted to help me so badly but it just wasn't working.
I have thought a lot about this issue, since people have told me it's inappropriate, period, for a therapist to cry in session. I think it's inappropriate for a therapist to cry if her tears are for *her.* If the tears are for the *client*--if they're empathetic, for instance, or for the *relationship*--i.e., sadness because it's disintegrating or ending--I think that can be ok. For me, anyway. At different times, my therapist's crying has been both, and I think that's why sometimes I felt rebellious and manipulated, and sometimes touched.
It all depends on the individual client and the relationship. How did your therapist's tears make you feel? Start there.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on September 7, 2008, at 20:03:42
In reply to Re: therapist crying » ayla_auel, posted by raisinb on September 7, 2008, at 18:37:16
My T cried when I told him about how my cat died. We are both cat lovers, and he told me afterward how he had lost several cats, and how much my story touched a raw nerve. Ts grieve too...
It was subtle though, just a tear or two and some sniffling. I felt bad for him and tried to protect his feelings by leaving out the gruesome details. I was not expecting my T to have such an emotional reaction, when he has been so stalwart through my recounting of my past traumas.
-Ll
Posted by caraher on September 7, 2008, at 20:12:06
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 7, 2008, at 20:03:42
Moist eyes and a tear or two, but no sobs... and it was a long time ago, and I don't remember specifically what it was about other than that it was a reaction to some things I'd been saying about myself. It seemed appropriate in context and happened because she felt sad for me.
Therapists are human and you can expect the range of human reactions (they laugh, too, for instance). But if your therapist spends most of each session crying it's probably no more helpful than if they were laughing. You need to consider, is this a huge distraction? Is it appropriate, especially in the context of your therapy situation? You need to decide for yourself.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on September 7, 2008, at 21:27:51
In reply to therapist crying, posted by ayla_auel on September 7, 2008, at 17:11:11
> I was wondering if anyone has ever experienced their therapist crying during a session? Is it normal? can you please tell me about it? thanks<<
---Hi and welcome!
I've been with my T. for 9 months and she's had tears fallen twice-- if that's what you mean by "crying". She had heard some of my life story and then the tears fell.... I didn't know what to do-- I wasn't crying and rarely do. I was uncomfortable and so I looked away from her. (I just recently cried and she said-- "hey, isn't this the first time you've shown any tears?"..... to which I embarrassedly answered-- "I think so, yes.") Emotions make me anxious-- overly happy, sad, angry.... any of them.....Is it normal for a T. to cry- show tears??? I wonder that too....
it's left me feeling confused...... did I make her sad? did I say something wrong to make her upset?... does my story make her want to believe in humanity less? am I ruining her outlook on things? I do worry so.......
flutterby- mandy
Posted by lucie lu on September 7, 2008, at 21:30:40
In reply to therapist crying, posted by ayla_auel on September 7, 2008, at 17:11:11
The only time was once in college, with someone I had been seeing for a few months. It was hardly intensive therapy but we did talk a bit about my childhood. I looked up and she was all teared up. It felt weird to me because I really had no idea what she was crying about! Something I said must have struck something within her. I agree that it depends a lot on whether the T is crying for you or him/herself. In that case it seemed to have been her. With my current T, moist eyes would be appreciated as a sign of his empathy and caring. If he has cried, though, I've never caught him at it ;)
Lucie
Posted by sassyfrancesca on September 8, 2008, at 7:38:31
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by lucie lu on September 7, 2008, at 21:30:40
I wrote a poem about my t's father (he was abusive), and he had to leave the room because he was crying; what I said touched him.
Bottom Line: If we are human, we cry.
Posted by lemonaide on September 8, 2008, at 11:33:24
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by sassyfrancesca on September 8, 2008, at 7:38:31
Hey Sassy,
I just had to comment on what you said, if we are human, we cry.Some of are unable to cry for many reasons like being abused harder if we cry. Some of us are trained by force not to cry. A lot of us struggle with feeling safe enough to cry but we are still human too.
God did make us with eyes that cry, but some of us can't cry yet.
Thank goodness I feel safe enough to do so, but as a child, no way.
Posted by lemonaide on September 8, 2008, at 11:34:39
In reply to therapist crying, posted by ayla_auel on September 7, 2008, at 17:11:11
Hi,
My T had tears in his eyes a few time during therapy, but I haven't actually seen him break down.
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 8, 2008, at 13:27:27
In reply to therapist crying, posted by ayla_auel on September 7, 2008, at 17:11:11
I've seen my T become teary a few times - while reciting poetry, and in group while people were sharing positive sentiments about each other. She's a real human being :-)
Posted by tanner257 on September 8, 2008, at 17:47:04
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by Partlycloudy on September 8, 2008, at 13:27:27
My adult son died suddenly 2 years ago of a cardiac arrhythmia. A few months afterward I brought several pictures of him at different ages to my therapy session. I was showing them to my therapist and I looked up at her and she was crying. Actually, it made me feel much closer to her. It was nice to have someone who didn't even know him affected by his life and his death.
Posted by WaterSapphire on September 9, 2008, at 6:02:02
In reply to therapist crying, posted by ayla_auel on September 7, 2008, at 17:11:11
I would think it was normal under certain circumstances, but if it got to be all the time then I would think the therapist maybe needed a little therapy too. Sometimes therapists are very sensitive people and even they get attached or are affected by what goes on with us. On the other hand, sometimes they just have a bad day too.
Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2008, at 7:47:01
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by WaterSapphire on September 9, 2008, at 6:02:02
I think maybe it's not a coincidence that I chose a therapist who isn't likely to cry. Not because of the crying per se. But I'd find it difficult to work with someone that emotionally responsive.
Or maybe he does cry but I don't bring that out in him.
I do remember the time it looked like I was going to be moving. He showed visible distress, but to my knowledge there were no actual tears.
Posted by wishingstar on September 9, 2008, at 21:55:03
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by WaterSapphire on September 9, 2008, at 6:02:02
I think the idea of therapists crying in session is incredibly interesting because it can mean so many different things. It has happened to me twice, with two different therapists, for two completely different reasons.
The first time was a few years ago with my old T Anne who later terminated me in a terrible way. I was telling her about something that had recently occured where I'd trusted my parents (my first mistake) and their lack of following through had cost me several thousand dollars that could have been avoided. My T teared up as I talked about that. I was more angry than hurt, but really wasnt expressing any emotion all that strongly. It definitely seemed to trigger something in her that wasnt about me because emotional involvement with clients was NOT her thing. It was interesting.
The second time was a few years ago as well. I was seeing the wonderful old T who I talk about sometimes here. I was at one of my lowest points ever.. really miserable and barely functioning.. and could barely look at her. I was fighting tears and was trying to tell her that I felt like she was the only one who would care if I died. It was a very difficult, emotional moment for me. She said something about how seeing my pain made her cry and I looked up and she had teared up. Unlike the example above, I do think those tears were more for me and that moment than something in her life. It was touching and meant so much to me, and still does. Therapist or not, it said to me that she truly does care about me.
If a T cried too often or more than a tear or two, I think it'd be very hard for me because I'd immediately want to switch roles and care for him/her. It'd be next to impossible for me to ignore their emotional reaction and continue talking about myself. I think that can be both a positive and negative character trait for me.
Posted by yxibow on September 10, 2008, at 3:13:55
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 7, 2008, at 20:03:42
It depends entirely on the therapist and their ability to control what are natural human reactions and expertise.
I haven't had that experience, but I've had one of my doctors yawn (tiredness maybe, long day.)
Also, don't discount the fact that if a therapist is following one's discussion, and one is in a depressive state describing it intensly, the therapist can be sucked into that depression and has to stand back a little and figure out how to get the patient to refocus or they may look blank since they need to help you in your journey.
-- tidings
Jay
Posted by WaterSapphire on September 11, 2008, at 21:58:08
In reply to Re: therapist crying » WaterSapphire, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2008, at 7:47:01
That really is very interesting. In a way that might be a really good thing though for you. I would not mind someone crying once in a blue moon, but I would hope if it were my therapist that they were not in tears every single session. I think I would feel really guilty like I did something wrong lol...
Posted by Dinah on September 12, 2008, at 23:51:45
In reply to ...Dinah, posted by WaterSapphire on September 11, 2008, at 21:58:08
Perhaps...
I think I'd probably find it rather overstimulating, and I'd likely withdraw emotionally myself.
He does show more and more of himself in this stage of therapy. I suppose that developmentally it's the phase where I discover that my therapist doesn't just exist for me, and that he's a real person with thoughts and feelings of his own. But still, I just don't think that he's all that likely to cry.
Posted by elanor roosevelt on September 14, 2008, at 23:25:02
In reply to therapist crying, posted by ayla_auel on September 7, 2008, at 17:11:11
my therapist cried when i was talking about the sudden death of a cousin i loved dearly
in that situation it seemed appropriate
Posted by susan47 on September 15, 2008, at 16:41:15
In reply to Re: therapist crying » WaterSapphire, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2008, at 7:47:01
Maybe he was tearing up at the thought of losing the steady paycheque .. maybe not. My ex-T probably would .. tear up at the thought of losing a steady paycheque. Maybe not.
Just a thought, I'm sure it doesn't apply to anyone's real-life therapist here.
Posted by Dinah on September 15, 2008, at 16:51:54
In reply to Re: therapist crying » Dinah, posted by susan47 on September 15, 2008, at 16:41:15
I'd have probably thought that at one point. Not too long ago even.
But I've grown to see lately that I am important to him and he does care about me.
He even surprised me enormously the other day by hinting that he'd be open to reducing his fee if I lose my job for reasons beyond my control, so that I could continue to see him regularly. That really touched me, because I know he does like money.
I'm not particularly self assured by nature, certainly not in regard to him. It really is amazing that he has managed to convince me that he genuinely cares about me not only as Therapist X, but as X the therapist.
I recognize how fortunate I am. While I've put in a lot of work to fight to relationship with him, I did luck out to find a therapist who was willing to make that journey with me.
Posted by Jeroen on September 17, 2008, at 3:24:05
In reply to therapist crying, posted by ayla_auel on September 7, 2008, at 16:58:33
yes i had it several times when talking to a doctor when he started crying
Posted by susan47 on September 18, 2008, at 14:42:20
In reply to Re: therapist crying » susan47, posted by Dinah on September 15, 2008, at 16:51:54
> I'd have probably thought that at one point. Not too long ago even.
>
> But I've grown to see lately that I am important to him and he does care about me.
>
> He even surprised me enormously the other day by hinting that he'd be open to reducing his fee if I lose my job for reasons beyond my control, so that I could continue to see him regularly. That really touched me, because I know he does like money.
>
> I'm not particularly self assured by nature, certainly not in regard to him. It really is amazing that he has managed to convince me that he genuinely cares about me not only as Therapist X, but as X the therapist.
>
> I recognize how fortunate I am. While I've put in a lot of work to fight to relationship with him, I did luck out to find a therapist who was willing to make that journey with me.You really are a lucky lady, Dinah, and I admire you and him for doing such good work together.
Susan
Posted by Dinah on September 18, 2008, at 17:32:29
In reply to Re: therapist crying, posted by susan47 on September 18, 2008, at 14:42:20
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.