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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 15, 2008, at 15:11:51
In my acupuncture treatment this morning I was lying there and started doing some free association. (I never know where my mind is going to wander or what my body is going to feel like, so I try to just go with the flow there). And what I started to come up with was a couple of visuals. One was that I'm currently feeling so uncomfortable with the world at large - that is, with going out of my house, getting out and interacting with people, with even walking along our pretty beaches or taking in our little neighborhood. My husband can't even get me to walk around the condo parking lot (he keeps trying, too). Instead, I'm holed up in my house. Reading a lot. I had to stop playing solitaire on my Palm Pilot because I was making my should sore - how's that for obsessive behavior? But the visual I had was that I was like one of those horses you see in Central Park pulling the carriages around, with the blinders on. I've got virtual blinders on - I don't want to, or I can't bring myself to, take in the world around at the moment. It's too overwhelming. I feel too broken. I'm not even tired, I'm not scared, I'm just not ABLE to use my peripheral vision or something. It's a very closed-in feeling, like it's making me feel more secure somehow. (But I'm not very happy, either.) I keep saying that I feel "stuck". Very stuck.
The other visual that came to me was from "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" - the original animated TV version with Boris Karloff's voice. I just remember the part where he wasn't able to enjoy the holiday because his heart was too shrunken up and shriveled. And that's what my heart feels like inside me. And these two things are tied together. My world is being kept very small (by me) because I can't bring myself to open up to it right now; and my heart is feeling withered and small.
I couldn't write any more of the gripe lists. It felt too much like trying to hit a baseball with a toothpick. Not the right tool for the job somehow. I'll go back to the drawing board with my T on that one.
pc
Posted by Sigismund on September 15, 2008, at 16:00:30
In reply to ...Continued, posted by Partlycloudy on September 15, 2008, at 15:11:51
Perhaps due to chronic sleep deprivation, perhaps also because of the relaxing effect of the acupuncture, I would quite often fall asleep during the (what felt like a ) long time the needles were in.
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 15, 2008, at 16:14:29
In reply to Re: ...Continued, posted by Sigismund on September 15, 2008, at 16:00:30
> Perhaps due to chronic sleep deprivation, perhaps also because of the relaxing effect of the acupuncture, I would quite often fall asleep during the (what felt like a ) long time the needles were in.
Not only have I never fallen asleep, I am keenly aware of those multiple needles and take extra care not to look at any of them sticking out of me. I'm pretty sure I'd faint dead away.
I had an awful lot on my mind today and didn't feel at all relaxed. Sometimes I get a bunch of sensory distortion where different parts of my body feel absolutely enormous, like in an Alice In Wonderland kind of way. (I look forward to wondering which bit is going to blow up.) As soon as I get an external reference - wiggle my fingers or move my legs or whichever part is doing the blowing up - it resumes its normally perceived size. I think of it as a free trip :-)
I guess I've been thinking a lot all of a sudden about children's stories, too, judging by what I've been writing today. What is my head up to? It's trying to tell me something but I can't hear it!
Posted by seldomseen on September 15, 2008, at 19:26:15
In reply to ...Continued, posted by Partlycloudy on September 15, 2008, at 15:11:51
I think you need to cut yourself some slack definately. The world will still be there when you decide to look at it again - when you are ready.
Rage is a very very odd thing. Certainly not something to be taken lightly. Unfortunately, what I found was that there was no great purge. No resounding "thank god I'm freed from that" type event. Personally, I couldn't write it out, I couldn't run it out, I couldn't even over work it out. I ended up just having to sit with it and wait for it to be incorporated and disseminated into who I was/am.
It seems as though you've done the hardest part - recognizing there is rage in you after having encapsulated it for so many years. But in my experience it's not something that you can labor over and be done with. It's almost as though you have to absorb it while not letting it engulf you.
Seldom.
Posted by DAisym on September 15, 2008, at 21:04:50
In reply to ...Continued, posted by Partlycloudy on September 15, 2008, at 15:11:51
I had a discussion with my therapist yesterday about being in Church. I said that suddenly there was this peace that I recognized as safety. For the 45 minutes I was there, I didn't have to do anything, or be anything to anybody else - I could just sit. I let God "hold" me. I really didn't want to leave - the outside world is just too hard for me right now. It felt like I feel in therapy a lot - contained and safe and free to feel all the rage within me.
For me, I'm avoiding interacting with the world in any deep way because I'm afraid of leaking my bad feelings onto someone or something else. Rationally I know I'm not the kind of person to use my rage as a weapon, but it feels like I could. Perhaps it would be somewhat easier to go for a walk or enlarge your world a bit if you could find a safe place to store your rage for awhile.
I'm sorry you've been feeling so sad. I hope the acupuncture helped.
Posted by Phillipa on September 16, 2008, at 0:36:13
In reply to Re: ...Continued » Partlycloudy, posted by DAisym on September 15, 2008, at 21:04:50
Can you seriously get some of ring like earrings to wear from him as they work continuously. I know a girl who did this and had just had her last chemo treatment in Durham and wore them at the beach and was jogging and feeling great. My deal is I want to get away far away. So my attituded is whatever. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on September 16, 2008, at 0:39:08
In reply to Re: ...Continued, posted by Phillipa on September 16, 2008, at 0:36:13
The whatever is to anyone like my husband when he yells at me I say whatever and walk again. I like that attitude cause I'm not letting it bother me and he hates it. Not that is anger. Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 16, 2008, at 7:37:06
In reply to ...Continued, posted by Partlycloudy on September 15, 2008, at 15:11:51
I am afraid of my own anger. I'm afraid of experiencing it, of naming it, of writing it down, of letting it out, of it unleashing itself, of what it will do once it erupts, of its destructive capability (now that I see what it's doing to myself - my god! what can it do to someone else?!), it's really, really frightening.
That's my aha! moment out of writing this here and reading what you have to say. I went to take a look at the Byron Katie website to see if there were any insights there I could apply, and as I was wandering around there, it started to crystallize for me. The reason that my gripe lists feel so inept is because they feel like they have No End. I could go on forever, listing my grudges, and that makes me feel like a horrible person - or as a person who has been denying that I have been carrying these grudges around like little lumps of coal in my soul for months, years, and decades, depending on the person I'm considering.
It seems like an awful lot to reconcile right now. But I think I have a grasp that it's not enough to question the thought about one person or another - it's that I'm upset at myself for having these thoughts in the first place. It's wrong of me to be angry? I should not be angry? (But I am.)
There's something going on in my heart at this realization. There is something going on in my back at this too - stuff is in the midst of shifting. This is a biggie.
I don't think I could do this without babble, could not get through this process without these boards. Wow.
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 16, 2008, at 8:54:21
In reply to Re: ...Continued and then some more, posted by Partlycloudy on September 16, 2008, at 7:37:06
Posted by Phillipa on September 16, 2008, at 12:22:58
In reply to My back has stopped hurting today. (nm), posted by Partlycloudy on September 16, 2008, at 8:54:21
PC that is great maybe you got some anger out and even though I don't hold grudges my back hurts on and off but mine is documented arthritic and probably spurs also. But my anger is at me. No one else just want to be who I was before and now I'm hyjacking your thread and that is not nice so my apologies. Have a great day and get some walking in as raining here and hope no rain there. Love Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 16, 2008, at 15:16:03
In reply to Re: My back has stopped hurting today. » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on September 16, 2008, at 12:22:58
> PC that is great maybe you got some anger out and even though I don't hold grudges my back hurts on and off but mine is documented arthritic and probably spurs also. But my anger is at me. No one else just want to be who I was before and now I'm hyjacking your thread and that is not nice so my apologies. Have a great day and get some walking in as raining here and hope no rain there. Love Phillipa
No hijacking that I can see, Phillipa :-)
But there's still a connection between the anger and a physical problem in my book. My back issues are not in my head (I still need treatments and adjustments until I'm fully recovered, and hopefully I haven't suffered any damage to my lower back, but I don't yet know that) - but my unresolved and unexpressed anger helped to trigger these very real physical issues. That's the *real* mind/body connection; that our psychological state is powerful enough to contribute to real illnesses. And I know that's what was scaring the whatsis out of me about my anger and why I'm afraid of letting it out.So my next little piece of homework is to learn to let my anger out. My therapist suggested getting a kiddie punching bad (remember those blow up clowns with the sand in the bottom?), except I'm afraid that I'd give it one good whack and it would explode. But maybe I'm overestimating the outward physical power of my anger. To be honest, I'm so unfamiliar with how to safely express it - I've been either stuffing it or having it explode messily all this time - I'm not sure just how I will go about it.
Shredding a piece of paper in the style of a hamster comes to mind. Destructive but on a very small scale. I might start there.
Posted by Dinah on September 16, 2008, at 17:43:50
In reply to Re: My back has stopped hurting today., posted by Partlycloudy on September 16, 2008, at 15:16:03
I joke about my diagnosis code not being in the DSM, but I'm serious on some levels. I do think there are those people who are finely wired enough to have chemical cascades causing all sorts of problems in all sorts of places. I think it would be far better to have one diagnosis for this, and treat the problem as a whole instead of attacking each of the parts.
I went through a period of expressing my anger tangibly. I hope it's helpful for you. I'm not sure it ever felt at cathartic for me as I had hoped. But then I think maybe I don't have a talent for emotional catharsis.
The focus of my therapy lately has been almost more spiritual than psychological. It's been focused on radical acceptance and generosity of spirit. It's not about suppressing anger. Or even letting it go in the traditional sense. It has more to do with the active channeling of love and acceptance of what is. I think in general it's helped some with my anger. Usually. Certainly not always. I'm sure the idea isn't original to me. I probably read it somewhere and am synthesizing a Dinah specific version for myself.
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 16, 2008, at 18:33:19
In reply to Re: My back has stopped hurting today. » Partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on September 16, 2008, at 17:43:50
Hey - I think that is a synthesis of What Is Working For Dinah - right now I am trying to find what will work for PartlyCloudy. My T mimed punching her sofa pillow and I got all excited looking (according to her), though I don't know how I feel about actually punching something myself - yikes (maybe I was really looking frightened?). Can't say that I've done that many times myself, under any circumstances.
I think that, though, with her guidance, which I actually and genuinely trust these days, I will get to find the outlet that will safely allow me to express the hidden anger that I've been bunching into my back and my head for these weeks and months now. I plan a trip to Toys R Us tomorrow to check out those punching clown bags to see if they still exist.
Posted by Dinah on September 16, 2008, at 18:36:19
In reply to Re: My back has stopped hurting today. » Dinah, posted by Partlycloudy on September 16, 2008, at 18:33:19
:)
They do indeed still exist. I bought one in the image of a referee. I don't think I found one that easily, but since then I do think I've seen them at retail outlets. They must have had a punching bag shortage when I was looking. They're not as tall as I remembered....
I hope this is what will work for Partlycloudy. It's always good to see sunny skies.
This is the end of the thread.
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