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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cal on September 11, 2008, at 5:30:58
Hi, I am a reader more than a poster and hope no one minds me sort of just making a "guest" appearence as I seldom feel able to offer any sensitive help to others as I feel I suffer from "foot in mouth syndrome", but I have something bugging me...my therapist recently returned and I asked her how she felt about returning to work. Now i Know she is also does other things from home not just therapy, and she replied "I have mixed feelings", I tried to let that go but she knew I think and i knew that what she said wasn't sitting well with me...I then almost in tears tried to get her to explain it better without letting her see how upset I felt by this so I said, "but, like, its different for some jobs like mine where I dont work with people to have mixed feelings about returing to work, but you work with people so does that mean you have mixed feelings about this?" and she replied,..."No, you asked me the wrong question, if you had asked me if I want to be here, in this room with you then I would have said yes", but I said, I dont get it..you said you have mixed feelings about being back at work and this is work?" and she said, yes but being here with you now is where I want to be"...I said I dont get what your saying..and then I left it, but I haven't left it really beause its going around in my head...does anyone have any light they could throw in this confusion I am having?
Thanks.
Posted by Dinah on September 11, 2008, at 8:11:46
In reply to Mixed feelings, But.., posted by Cal on September 11, 2008, at 5:30:58
I have gone around this issue a few times with my therapist. I remind him that when he says he's looking forward to getting away from his work and going on vacation, in this case his work is *me*.
He never really gets it. He insists he is always happy to see me, and misses seeing me when he is gone. But that he is happy to get away from his work.
I finally accepted in my mind that there are all sorts of aspects to his work. Writing out insurance bills, having to fill in an hour here and there for no shows, talking money, drumming up referrals. And his least favorite aspect - sitting. Seeing clients is just one part of what he does. I think I believe him when he says he enjoys the seeing clients part.
Posted by Racer on September 11, 2008, at 9:29:44
In reply to Re: Mixed feelings, But.. » Cal, posted by Dinah on September 11, 2008, at 8:11:46
My guess is that she likes the seeing clients part, but that other things start to bug her -- returning calls, writing appeals to insurance companies, tracking down no-shows to extract payment, trying to find doctors to refer people to for meds, etc. I know that's the sort of stuff my T gets sick of.
I told her recently, I thought she'd been sick of dealing with me when I was in my horrible and extended depression recently. She denied it, but you know what? I wasn't saying she was sick of dealing with *me* -- only of just having 115 pounds of misery on her sofa, instead of Racer. I still think I was right, but she did once admit that one of our bad days was due to her not being able to deal with me in that state, after a couple of bad days with another client. So maybe she was telling the truth...
Anyway, the point is -- she probably does have mixed feelings about coming back to work AND have no doubt whatsoever that she wants to see clients and enjoys seeing clients. My guess is that she's doing this BECAUSE she enjoys seeing clients.
Have you considered asking her what it is that she has mixed feelings about? It may not be that she wasn't sure she wanted to come back, but that she wanted to come back AND do whatever else she was doing. Maybe asking her just to tell you what the mixed feelings were about would help you?
And I'd bet talking about how hard it was for you to ask for the reassurance, despite how much this bothered you, would lead to some pretty interesting areas... I know it has for me when I've had to do that...
Posted by Nadezda on September 11, 2008, at 9:33:51
In reply to Mixed feelings, But.., posted by Cal on September 11, 2008, at 5:30:58
I think of it this way: we all get tired of the routine and stressful aspects of work, for example, getting up every morning at a certain time-- no matter whether we're tired or not, no matter what mood we're in, or what we want to do that day. This can become wearing-- people have TGIF parties, and dream about getting away, playing hooky. Ts really can't even take that sick day easily-- they have a special obligation to show up-.
Plus there's the emotional toll of caring and responding in their best way to people who are struggling a lot. It's a tough, emotionally risky job--always, I think, you must be concerned about whether you've done or said the right, most helpful things or caused extra pain-- and they take it home-- they know we think about them, worry about them, are struggling between appointments.
So this is how I see it:: they're pretty exhausted emotionally, physically, And really need--and can't help welcoming-- a break== and like the rest of us, when the break is over, and they come back to work, they have fears, resistance to reentering the struggle, buckling down to the routine.
We all say they're human beings-- but part of that is having mixed feelings-- about pretty much everything actually-- but especially about work, and the sacrifices of pleasures, and the continual pressure that it exerts. Despite the great meaning and value that it represents.
That doesn't take away from our Ts caring for us, in the moment-- their wanting to be there. It's just that overall, thinking about "being back at work"-- they have that little part of them that wants to have a little more time at the beach.
I know it feels unfair and unequal. I think it's something we have to accept-- but not take as meaning anything about how much they care about us. After some time, I don't mind the vacations in the way I used to-- I feel more connected to my T even when he's away, and actually I rather enjoy not having to schlep over to his office so much. (Don't tell him that.)
I do think sometimes they just don't get it-- when we ask them those questions. We're asking-- "do you want to leave me?"; "are you glad to be here with me?"-- and they think we're asking : "so-- are you looking forward to having a month to play at the beach?" Which we're really not.
It takes a while to digest this I think-- but when you do, when you're more back in touch with your Ts caring, I think you'll be much more okay with her answer-- and be able to put it into context. Give it time. She just got back and the sense of absence and disconnection is pretty raw.
Nadezda
Posted by Cal on September 11, 2008, at 9:47:35
In reply to Re: Mixed feelings, But.. » Cal, posted by Nadezda on September 11, 2008, at 9:33:51
Thank you for the replys...Its helped me put "it" into perspective that little bit more!!..
Posted by Maria01 on September 11, 2008, at 10:17:16
In reply to Re: Mixed feelings, But.., posted by Cal on September 11, 2008, at 9:47:35
My aunt was a T for years before she retired recently. Hands down, the part of her job she hated the most was the insurance paperwork, collecting on past due accounts, playing phone tag with Drs. or social workers, begging insurance companies to authorize more visits so a client wasn't left out in the cold. You get the idea.
The part she loved? Being with her clients. T's have a lot of behind-the-scenes work that are part of the job that sometimes people aren't aware of.
Posted by Dinah on September 11, 2008, at 12:42:23
In reply to Re: Mixed feelings, But.. » Cal, posted by Nadezda on September 11, 2008, at 9:33:51
> I do think sometimes they just don't get it-- when we ask them those questions. We're asking-- "do you want to leave me?"; "are you glad to be here with me?"-- and they think we're asking : "so-- are you looking forward to having a month to play at the beach?" Which we're really not.
:-)
That states it perfectly for me. My therapist and I each think the other is being perfectly dense about the topic. And it's exactly because it's really two separate topics.
Posted by raisinb on September 11, 2008, at 15:49:18
In reply to Mixed feelings, But.., posted by Cal on September 11, 2008, at 5:30:58
Whew, that would be tough for me to hear, too. I wish they weren't so truthful with us, sometimes :(
This is not at all like being a therapist, but....For the past few years, I've tutored high school students in addition to teaching. I've seen some of them for a couple of years, once or twice a week. Eventually, we get pretty close. A couple of them have been very special to me. I would definitely say I love them and think about them, worry for them, outside of our time together. When I don't see them anymore I miss them.
At the same time, I love not having to get up early on a Saturday when I don't work. I like having extra time. I chafe at the restrictions the extra work puts on me. I get tired, cranky, hungry, and overwhelmed.
I don't know how to reconcile these conflicting feelings, but I do know that the latter doesn't make the former less powerful or meaningful, whatsoever. And I'd bet your therapist feels the same.
Posted by Cal on September 12, 2008, at 6:32:20
In reply to Mixed feelings, But.., posted by Cal on September 11, 2008, at 5:30:58
Hi, I mananged to tell T today that she was correct in that I had asked the wrong question...which led on to my being able to tell her how hard it is for me to have these needs with her...she said what i really wanted to ask her was did she want to be here in this room with me and yes she did...and then I begun to have feelings of being crushed...but I talked through them and I think a lot of emotional honesty was admitted today by me....I did say that sometimes words don't do the feelings enought justice and then she asked about do I paint or draw?...I think I may need to look into perhaps doing something like to give my feelings another outlet...the silences in the room then made more sense...I realised that sometimes just sitting with the feelings was "enought"...anyways...from mixed feelings to openly admitted feelings was a sucess I feel..thank you for taking the time to reply to my post!!!
Posted by Dinah on September 12, 2008, at 9:03:45
In reply to Re: Mixed feelings, But.., posted by Cal on September 12, 2008, at 6:32:20
Congratulations!
It's not easy to start those hard conversations.
This is the end of the thread.
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