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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on November 12, 2007, at 14:56:32
i saw my former T today... it's the third time i have seen him in public over the entire time i have known him... this is the first time i am sure he saw me. In all cases he has not even said hello. He asked once what i would want him to do if we met outside of session and i said i would want him to at least say hi. So he knows how i feel. :(
Today he was sitting in a coffee shop, just 5 or 6 feet away... and he was facing me... he could hear and see me. i was side on to him, so i didn't see him right away. i just saw some guy sit down and i didn't turn to look. So, he was sitting there at least a half hour before i noticed him... and since he hadn't said anything, and i was with a friend, i didn't say anything either. It was obvious he had chosen to ignore me. EVen though i was with someone, it would have been easy to say hi as he went by... or as he left.
i am devastated... crushed. i was so hooked on him. My first post here was about how i wanted him to love me like i loved him. i was almost obsessed with him. i was so hurt that i couldn't continue with him. And now, even though my current T is a far better match for me, and a far better T in general, i still get goose bumps when i think of him... and i still do think of him.. often actually.
My last session with him i told him that he should have explained transference to me and helped me work through it. It made perfect sense to me that i was feeling that way... but he hadn't. Once we terminated i was left hanging in mid-transference and at that point it never seems to heal.
i don't feel the same wya about my current T. It's not obsession, and it's not romantic. i would ave been on my old T like white on rice had he offered. My current T is so very important, but it's not a fixation.
i feel like someone ripped my heart out and took a bite.. i'm bleeding to death emotionally.
why would he hurt me like this?
now that there is distance i can see how he mishandled me a number of times, mistakes he made, etc. Those are forgivable, things happen.. but i can also see things he did which were so hurtful..
he is a caring person... that was obvious.. so why hurt me? why **choose** to hurt me?
he can't possibly have decided it wouldn't matter if he said nothing. He would have to have been trained under a rock or something to be that ignorant of how a client feels towards their T. We all get attached to some degree or other. It;s so easy for them to hurt us... they KNOW that, they are trained about that. It happens by accident, but they are supposed to be trained not to do it on purpose..right??
i can't understand. i adore him.. seeing him brings back all the pain i suffered of wanting more from him and not being able to have it... the embarrassment i had of feeling that way. The longing. That's it..longing. i longed for him. i still long for him.
but i am such trash to him he can't even say hi. He found me frustrating and i guess more difficult than i even thought. i am just trash. He can hear my deepest fears and see my deepest pain and then he can just walk by me without even a nod. i'm not even worth that, even though he was worth the world to me.
last week or so i had thought about writing him a letter to tell him how things are going.. that even with all the pain i am going through now, i am light years ahead of where i was when he met me. i thought he'd be happy to hear from me.. he had said he wanted nothing but the best for me. i guess he lied.
so crushed.. so hurt.
i already felt like dirt. i got turned down for a good opportunity for my career and felt bad enough. My confidence was rattled badly.
i wish i were able to cry..
Posted by annierose on November 12, 2007, at 16:28:23
In reply to my former T :( :( :( LONG, posted by Dory on November 12, 2007, at 14:56:32
I hear so much pain in your post. I'm sorry that he wasn't able to respond to you in public by saying "hi". Maybe because you were with a friend gave him pause to think about the best course of action. Those situations are awkward at best, for both parties. Please don't personalize it. His reaction says nothing about you. All it says is that 1. he didn't see you or 2. he saw you and didn't know what to say. You are not seeing him professionally anymore so I'm sure that compounded his dilemna.
It's so hurtful when people we care about disappoint us.
I'm comforted to know that my t lives in a box and is never allowed in public under any circumstances.
Posted by Dinah on November 12, 2007, at 16:43:43
In reply to my former T :( :( :( LONG, posted by Dory on November 12, 2007, at 14:56:32
Things with our therapists are sooo emotionally loaded for us.
But I'm guessing that he was falling back on his training. You'd told him you'd like him to say hi. But even if he remembered that (which my therapist definitely would not) you've terminated with him since you said that. It might have occurred to him that that might change the situation. And if there was any doubt in his mind, he'd likely go to the default of not "recognizing" you unless you took the lead and did so first.
I think it's hard for some therapists to handle romantic or sexual transference. I'm sorry he was one of them. It can be very hurtful.
And I agree with Annierose. They definitely shouldn't be allowed in public where they are likely to disturb our peace. Particularly when you're trying to gain some peace with your relationship with him.
Posted by AbbieNormal on November 12, 2007, at 17:41:20
In reply to my former T :( :( :( LONG, posted by Dory on November 12, 2007, at 14:56:32
I'm so sorry you are hurting.
I do want to pass on one thing. Somewhere in my therapy, we talked about what would happen if I saw him in public. He said that if I was alone, he'd say Hi. But if I was with someone he would ignore me, for confidentiality reasons. For instance, I'd have to explain who he is to the person I am with - and might not want to.
So, it may not have anything to do with you at all.
Take care. Abbie
Posted by happyflower on November 12, 2007, at 22:36:55
In reply to my former T :( :( :( LONG, posted by Dory on November 12, 2007, at 14:56:32
(((((Dory)))) I know you are hurting about this and I am so sorry this happened. I do agree with the others though. BOth of my therapists have told me that I would have extend the greeting first. Maybe he did notice you a long time befoe you saw him, and since you didn't say anything, maybe he thought you wanted privatecy. Even my old T said that he won't say hi to a client, unless they say something first. He is protecting your privatecy on this. I don't think it has anything to do with you personally. In most cases they need to be safe then be sorry if they messed up. I think it would be a different situation if you actually said hi to him and then he ignored you, then that would be rejecting you. But in this case, I think he was just protecting your private life. My family doctor is the same way.
Posted by Dory on November 14, 2007, at 15:21:19
In reply to my former T :( :( :( LONG, posted by Dory on November 12, 2007, at 14:56:32
i talked to my T about it and he was as baffled as i was. It isn't true that they aren't allowed to speak to clients outside.. it's a popular boundary. They aren't supposed to have social relationships, but sometimes even that is unavoidable. Think of small towns.. think of belonging to the same church or something. i ended up in the same meditation group as a counsellor i had once... there was only one group in town. Acknowledgement in public is a choice, and should be made together. T could have said he chooses not to and then i would not expected him to. Both former T and current T asked what i would want them to do. It was already agreed upon.
T said he could see possibly why he hadn't spoken or come up to me, but he could not understand why he didn't even at least look over and acknowledge my existence. He could have even smiled my way and i would have known he wasn't just ignoring me. T said that didn't make sense either.
i told T that no matter what.. i don't care if i am having tea with the queen, i would want him to say hi. He could do it in passing.. he wouldn't have to stop and chat if he felt it was inappropriate.
it totally made me feel like i didn't matter.. i didn't count. How could he? He knew how bad things were at the time.. didn't he at least wonder if they were better? did he not care one bit if i was ok?
i am calmer because i am depressed and it wins out. i have so much going on that this is just another helping on the plate now. It still makes me feel like trash. Disposable. Insignificant.
Posted by star008 on November 19, 2007, at 8:57:28
In reply to my former T :( :( :( LONG, posted by Dory on November 12, 2007, at 14:56:32
dory,,
A T is taught not to respond to you in public because of the embarrassment it can cause a client. Even though you told him how you would prefer he respond he kept boundaries that he thought were appropiate. I do know how you feel. I felt the same way about my T for a long time. It finally faded after the transference went away and now the thought of being involved with him is kind of yucky..I don't think that he did it to hurt you or thinks you are garbage. A nod or something would have been nice but he probably knew how you were feeling for him and didn't want to encourage communication out of a professional setting. don't take it personally.. I think many T's would do the same thing, as rude as it sounds. Mine would probably say hi to me and leave it at that or talk for a couple of minutes if it seemed okay but I don't have the transference anymore. They must be able to tell when taht is going on. I went through the hurt feelings and feeling crushed too when it was going on. It is a difficult thing to handle but in the end, no T with any ethics will have anything to do with a client.It will go away but takes so loooong... sorry for your pain.
Posted by susan47 on November 24, 2007, at 2:58:05
In reply to my former T :( :( :( LONG, posted by Dory on November 12, 2007, at 14:56:32
He Cannot hear your deepest fears and see your deepest pain .. or something like that .. because he has ears doesn't mean he hears with them. Because he has eyes .. you get the picture. The best thing you can do for yourself is get Angry with him. He probably did let you down, there is no doubt he makes mistakes and you may be one of the patients he has let down. Sometimes these things happen (**I suspect they happen one hell of a lot more often than is ever reported, or even suspected .. I suspect it should be regulated much more strictly than it is, in fact, this issue of patient trust, and therapist competence, or ability, or experience, or whatever the Hell you wish to label it**) .. and when they do, there is always, Always more than one Victim.
Get angry, if you can't heal any other way, then just give yourself permission to be Royally f*ck*ng Pissed about the whole thing.
There is no use pretending he didn't know what was going on.
There is no use pretending that you might win his love with your Loyalty .. there is no use in pretending any Damn Thing at all.
Just be on your own f*ck*ng side, because no one else will do that as well as you will.
Posted by susan47 on November 24, 2007, at 3:06:31
In reply to my former T :( :( :( LONG, posted by Dory on November 12, 2007, at 14:56:32
If anyone feels like riding me because of my last post, forget it. Re-read Dory's words in the initial, the one about transference, him not explaining it etc. I've heard everyone on this thread forgiving the therapist, being understanding towards him, and basically toning it down.
How could you, after all your experiences here? After listening, reading and responding to story after story of the pain of transference, after all the reading you've done ... so little desire to change anything .. I don't understand.
I'm glad.
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 24, 2007, at 14:07:59
In reply to BTW, posted by susan47 on November 24, 2007, at 3:06:31
> I've heard everyone on this thread forgiving the therapist, being understanding towards him, and basically toning it down.
> How could you, after all your experiences here? After listening, reading and responding to story after story of the pain of transference, after all the reading you've done ... so little desire to change anything ..Please don't post anything that could lead others to feel accused or put down.
But please don't take this personally, either, this doesn't mean I don't like you or think you're a bad person.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please first see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#enforceFollow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above post, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
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