![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on October 4, 2007, at 12:47:46
It took me years to discover that my intense feelings were coming from "little girls" inside who were driving some of my destructive behavior.
I had a young, 4-yr old who was a miserable mess; she contained all the sa and the all the feelings about it. When I discovered her, I hated her and wanted to kill her off. She was like a dirty, messy, disgusting blob on the floor.
The second child was a 9-yr old who was more assertive and powerful. At the time of discovering her, the 9 yr-old rejected the 4 yr-old as so weak and disgusting. The problem was, however, that the 9 yr-old wanted to make moves forward but she couldn't because the 4-yr old controlled the body. The nine year old could be impulsive and I realized she was responsible for much of my self-destructive behavior.
There was a third child, very young (before anything happened, I think), who just peeked out from behind the chairs under the dining room table, just watching w/big bold eyes. She was watching everything, and I knew somehow that she contained my soul before anything happened, and that I had to find a way to save her--she was the important one.
It took me a long time to get the 9-yr old to accept the 4-yr old, even to the point of helping to clean her up, shore her up, and encourage her to speak. (like I said, I hated the 4-yr too and really thought she needed to die; but over time, I came to realize how important she was--she contained my creativity and so many good things, but she was mute. She still is mute, I can't get her to tell us what happened, and I do spend time comforting her. When I find myself buying M&Ms, I know she's the one who wants them!
These were significant ages--my abuse started about 3-5, and my father left the home when I was 9 and the abuse stopped (I think). But the 9-yr old is not as self-possessed as she presents herself. She needs the other two to survive.
So I spent a long time dealing with these girls, basically trying to get the blob off the floor, cleaning her up, comforting her and encouraging her to talk. My T and I worked on this a lot. At first I thought it was silly, until the images of the girls became so clear.
Eventually, the 9-yr old accepted the blob and tried to incorporate her in fun activities, and while sometimes i can see that 4 yr old having fun outside playing, or drawing with the 9 yr old, the block to the feelings underneath is still there.
Sorry to be so long. My point is that I had these three distinct little girls. When I told my pdoc about it, he pushed me into integration (I'm furious that he "tricked" me, when he admitted he did it on purpose). I'm not sure I was ready, but now all the girls reside within me, and i can draw on them as needed, but they are under the control of the adult me. They are inside me and no longer separate entities I viewed as outside my self (outside my sense of responsibility for myself, or what they would do, my pdoc said, and that that I needed to integrate to put the adult in charge so she could deal with impulsive actions, for example, in an adult way).
As much as I hate to admit it, he was right. They are within my control now, but that doesn't mean their feelings don't erupt to the surface and have an effect on my behavior, but now they are tempered and I must admit that I feel safer.
Lately I've been dealing w/another girl--she is pure id; she wants pleasure and the return of the good love and feelings she had with her father. It's interesting, but I've found that my approach with her is to say that those pleasures or feelings can never be felt again (like the heroin addict can never capture that first high) and while she wants what she wants, it's like telling one of my children when they were young, that there are just some things we can't have and we have to learn to accept this (to let go, in my case) and move on. I was surprised at her strength, but I think she's the core of my idealized love of my father that I've been working so hard to deal with.
So, integration can work in many ways. As I said, it may have been too early for me, but it has worked out pretty well.
Just a different take.
antigua
Posted by B2chica on October 4, 2007, at 13:06:34
In reply to Different Take on Integration (long and *csa* trig, posted by antigua3 on October 4, 2007, at 12:47:46
Thank you for telling that Antigua.
so maybe like levels of Dissociative Disorder or DID, there are also levels of integration that are needed?
For some, its just to be aware that there are 'alters'. and then that the alters are in fact them..parts of them.
with me, i'm very aware they are there and behaving as they are but i feel i don't have control over their actions, i think because they are so intense.
what's hard is that now that my T has "given them a voice" they are harder and harder to 'control'.
but my "fuzzy' dissociation thing is pretty much gone and so is my SI...
so there was a trade off. but to what degree?and what kind of integration would that require for me since i'm aware of their behavior...
i guess it would be to where i would recognize when their 'at the surface' and adult me could release their emotion in a reasonable manner?
that would be my guess??
Posted by antigua3 on October 4, 2007, at 13:15:50
In reply to Re: Different Take on Integration (long and *csa*, posted by B2chica on October 4, 2007, at 13:06:34
I don't think you're anywhere near there yet. I mean that with no offense, so please don't take any. Your adult has to be in charge, but you're just now dealing with them coming out. Forcing the adult to be in charge without dealing with them first, I think, would be counterproductive.
It's a crisis situation when you feel this way--I certainly did when I felt like I had no control and I leaned on my T pretty heavily. I had to find a way to contain them, so they didn't do impulsive things I felt were out of my ability to control.
So I'd say, in my very limited opinion, you're not ready for integration yet, and when I was "forced" into, I didn't feel comfortable with the outcome for a long time.
Having a child adds a whole new dimension to going to the hospital. If you can hold on with a great deal of help to keep yourself safe, then maybe you don't need to go. If you feel like you're a danger to yourself or your child, go immediately. I think you have a really good sense of yourself by now and you'll know. There is no shame to going, if it's going to help. Don't refuse it arbitrarily, because it may be one of your "alters" trying to control you.
Again, you need to find a way to contain what has spilled out and lean on your T to help you.
Sorry I'm so opinionated, but I want you to be safe.
antigua
Posted by B2chica on October 4, 2007, at 13:44:00
In reply to Re: Different Take on Integration (long and *csa* » B2chica, posted by antigua3 on October 4, 2007, at 13:15:50
none taken A.
and i liked what you said ....i''m just trying so hard to understand all this...
;^) and i like opinionated...no worries at all.
-thnx 4 caring>>Forcing the adult to be in charge without dealing with them first, I think, would be counterproductive.
and i think thats what im trying to do, i feel kinda like the substitute teacher in one of my 8th grade classes...she was technically in charge, she tried to control all us...but the harder she tried the funnier it made it to us, and some acted up even more...yup, i feel like that poor teach.
i think i do feel a lot more comfortable with knowing my "danger points", but i guess another prob i have with the hosp. is that some times these "feelings"/teen whattever, dont last long times....i wish there were a place i could go to for about 8 hours or so...not 24 or 72 like hosp likes.
Then again...at least when i'm "out here" i fight like hell not to have others see me, or i TRY not to act out....im afraid that if i went to hosp that i would just "let it all loose"....on me and anyone around..and i mean physical too, not just verbally.
..i feel like that could be it for me...that they would see that and commit me...
i'd loose EVERYTHING i have worth living for....Everything...and i'd never see the outside again.
Posted by muffled on October 4, 2007, at 15:56:10
In reply to Re: Different Take on Integration (long and *csa* » antigua3, posted by B2chica on October 4, 2007, at 13:44:00
B2C, first and formost I am honored how much you have shared with us. All you guys that been posting bout dissociation, thank you.
I think you doing all the right things B2C.
I kinda wish you could get on some seroquel or something cuz it sure helped me one time when I got kinda outta control.
Stress. Stress is HUGE for me as far as getting my head all messed....
The impulsive stuff is a little scarey....
Fortunately for me I tend to be very controlled and the few times I kinda got outta control a bit, it wasn't too bad.
But one time after a session, I have a part that gets ridiculously hyserical, and I chilled a bit, but then I thot I was OK, so I got on my bike...I was NOT OK, I almost rode in front of a car on purpose. It scared me. So I stopped longer and chilled awhile and just eventually walked and was eventually ok.
So I just want to also ask you to be careful B2.
I think if hosp is not an option, and the xanax worked, maybe its an option? You'd have to ask your T. I dunno what happens with switching when you on xanax.
I was stoned once when I was splitting some, and I can't remember, but I think the reactions were variable....so I dunno.
I just wish I could be there for you somehow, cuz I wouldn't be afraid, and I could be calm for you, and the mom in me could love your kids and help them to settle and be OK.
And Teen, she got so much anger :-(, but I bet under that anger she proly an OK kid. Proly even fun. Anger hurts :-(
I am trying so hard to figger how I reihn the kids in? I'm not sure. I think what Antigua wrote was good. I think its helped ALOT for me to have understanding of who is saying what, AND, that there is awareness of each another. I dunno how I did this? I think at first what my T taught me wasn't heard by the others, but now they seem to hear too. Its all so strange. I wish I could be moree helpful, I am rambling, trying to understand.
I think one thing that was hard for me to understand/accept(still is) is that these inner ones ARE kids. I kept trying to relate to them as an adult, I didn't treat them as the age they were. Once I did things got WAY better. So I guess say for eg. with Teen, maybe its good to understand that she IS, and she IS a teenager, and she's not bad, or evil, or nuts, she is just a kid, a REAL kid. She is HERSELF. And she counts just as much as any other kid. Her feelings are VALID. Just cuz there's not an actual physical teen body standing there doesn't mean she is any less real. SHE IS REAL. And she needs what ANY kid who is hurting needs.
Hmmmmm, seems this is important....I think it was huge for me to accept, truly fullyaccept my people.
I guess thats what I wanted to say, just took me awhile to say it.
M
Posted by muffled on October 4, 2007, at 23:31:49
In reply to Different Take on Integration (long and *csa* trig, posted by antigua3 on October 4, 2007, at 12:47:46
> It took me years to discover that my intense feelings were coming from "little girls" inside who were driving some of my destructive behavior.
OMG Antigua, this post is freakily like me...
I didn't know bout 'emotions', I'd lost mine, but I have sorta found them some and can now even often recognize the emot I am having. Not always, but more than before. I used to think I was evil or something, cuz I had such 'bad' inside me. It was all just emotions, I just didn't realize it.
As for my 'people' it was just all headnoise and confusion and crazy feelings etc. I had no idea.
>
> I had a young, 4-yr old who was a miserable mess; she contained all the sa and the all the feelings about it. When I discovered her, I hated her and wanted to kill her off. She was like a dirty, messy, disgusting blob on the floor.* I still don't really understand exactly what comes from who precisely...
But I too have a child who I would describe EXACTLY as you have described your 4 yr old. I think mine is quite young too. I want her to die too. She is disgusting. I want NO part of her. She cannot, and IS not me. We are not connected.
> The second child was a 9-yr old who was more assertive and powerful. At the time of discovering her, the 9 yr-old rejected the 4 yr-old as so weak and disgusting. The problem was, however, that the 9 yr-old wanted to make moves forward but she couldn't because the 4-yr old controlled the body. The nine year old could be impulsive and I realized she was responsible for much of my self-destructive behavior.*mine didn't seem to all know bout each other at first. But other than that one kid, I think there is more knowledge. I met my Ikid(who INSISTS! that she's muffled too!) and we fought and fought, cuz I couldn't understabd that she was a kid, it didn't make sense. But now she is great! A good kid. She has her moments but really likes to help. She kinda wants to be in control and she IS very smart(and I fear cunning?????mebbe smarter than me :-(
Its kinda freaky though, cuz *I* am the adult...I just kinda wonder though...she's not an angel, and I don't know her all that well...
anyhow.
> There was a third child, very young (before anything happened, I think), who just peeked out from behind the chairs under the dining room table, just watching w/big bold eyes. She was watching everything, and I knew somehow that she contained my soul before anything happened, and that I had to find a way to save her--she was the important one.* the first one I met was my BABY!!!!! It was SO cool!!! SO wonderful!!! And somehow I understood that she was ME! IT WAS HUGE. Cuz she was not tainted. Her emotion of joy was so pure and untainted, uncluttered, clear and simple. I loved her, and she was me! I dunno how I knew that? Anyhow, she kept popping in to see me ans OMG, my face hurt from smiling! But then she came less often...
> It took me a long time to get the 9-yr old to accept the 4-yr old, even to the point of helping to clean her up, shore her up, and encourage her to speak. (like I said, I hated the 4-yr too and really thought she needed to die; but over time, I came to realize how important she was--she contained my creativity and so many good things, but she was mute. She still is mute, I can't get her to tell us what happened, and I do spend time comforting her. When I find myself buying M&Ms, I know she's the one who wants them!
*mine doesn't talk...I don't think? But one time I asked Ikid to try and reach that kid, and Ikid even said she was gross like swampweed.
But she has tried again, and I think something went on between them, that was a good thing, but which I am unaware of(which is WEIRD), but there may be some connection there, that kid seems less upset. I still cannot personally reach that kid.
>
> These were significant ages--my abuse started about 3-5, and my father left the home when I was 9 and the abuse stopped (I think). But the 9-yr old is not as self-possessed as she presents herself. She needs the other two to survive.*ya, I got no memories, so I dunno. I had bad asthma..?
But we have learned that all of us have our good and bad points, but we are all human, we are all real. I no longer deny.Ya, I do NOT want to lose any part of this thing that is me...cept mebbe that kid, but...mebbe not. I dunno.
> So I spent a long time dealing with these girls, basically trying to get the blob off the floor, cleaning her up, comforting her and encouraging her to talk. My T and I worked on this a lot. At first I thought it was silly, until the images of the girls became so clear.*ya, I feel silly. I feel ashamed to show my T my people :-( And my T not experienced w/this stuff, but she has the trust, and open mind. I think T is a little uncomfortable with her lack of knowledge, and we of course take ANY sign of hesitancy on the part of T as being discomfort at the weirdness, but I think mebbe she just feels al little inadequate. But she never dumps us, no matter whats been pulled.
> Eventually, the 9-yr old accepted the blob and tried to incorporate her in fun activities, and while sometimes i can see that 4 yr old having fun outside playing, or drawing with the 9 yr old, the block to the feelings underneath is still there.*This is the part I felt was especially weird in that I am using my Ikid to reach that kid, just like you have used yours.....
Is the block to your feelings a prob, or do you think you can live with it?
> Sorry to be so long. My point is that I had these three distinct little girls. but they are under the control of the adult me. They are inside me and no longer separate entities I viewed as outside my self (outside my sense of responsibility for myself, or what they would do, my pdoc said, and that that I needed to integrate to put the adult in charge so she could deal with impulsive actions, for example, in an adult way).*I have always felt vehemently responsible for all actions of this body.
> As much as I hate to admit it, he was right. They are within my control now, but that doesn't mean their feelings don't erupt to the surface and have an effect on my behavior, but now they are tempered and I must admit that I feel safer.* ya, thats good :-)
> Lately I've been dealing w/another girl--she is pure id; I think she's the core of my idealized love of my father that I've been working so hard to deal with.
8sounds like you doing good work.
> So, integration can work in many ways. As I said, it may have been too early for me, but it has worked out pretty well.
> Just a different take.
> antigua* thanks , this is helpful to me too.
M
Posted by B2chica on October 5, 2007, at 8:31:35
In reply to OMG so many threads..and I short on time..., posted by muffled on October 4, 2007, at 15:56:10
Hi! MUFFLED!
well, i'll be getting on zyprexa again soon. im in the process of weaning my IRL little one (though im sure she would be fine if we stopped all at once, i think the slow taper is more for me than her) but it will just be a couple more weeks, then pdoc has me starting meds again...i think i might be stalling to. :^)
>>...The impulsive stuff is a little scarey....
Boy, you said it!i think a nice heavy dose of xanax may prevent switching?? dont know...LOL maybe if i switch to teen shell think shes drunk!!
....you making me teary M. yes...under anger she IS a good kid...just no one ever took the time to see that, no one even thought to ask me what was wrong...i honestly think if a teacher or someone like that would have tried to figure out why i acted out...i would have told them...but...everyone thought she was stupid, even teachers were bad and told me not to expect to go to college...that i just couldnt ,make it, to maybe take some classes at jr. college and focus on "settling down"....yes small town morons....well now i have MA and work in research in healthcare....so SCREW THEM!
They ALL failed me muffled...ALL adults in my life. Never even tried to help.BUT
Thats ok...cuz i got here on my OWN and i'll be ok with me.******************************
good point about dealing with them at their age. i guess i do try to handle them as an adult...but i think its just cuz its SO weird. i mean i feel like a liar!
cuz logically i KNOW it's me...i mean i don't feel like sybil, i don't change clothes, i don't loose long chunks of time where i end up somewhere and don't know...that kinda stuff. so i figure it must not be true....
but WOW, when they come out...it's SO REAL! they talk the way they do, not like 'i' do at work or anything and the Emotion is SO strong in each of them.i'm glad to hear it took you a while for you to accept. i mean its just hard to understand cuz i get all logical...it's me, but not, but it is...but not really, but it IS!!! aaarrggghhh.
Thank you too muffled.
for sharing. and for caring (hehe i rhymed)
b2c
Posted by antigua3 on October 5, 2007, at 17:52:27
In reply to Re: Different Take on Integration (long and *csa* trig, posted by muffled on October 4, 2007, at 23:31:49
thank you for your thoughtful reply.
No, I can't live with it--I'm driven to break through to the blocked feelings because they are still affecting me. It would be easier if someone told me, "No, you're never going to reach them," and then I can give up. But I'm not willing to give up on my own. I've worked too hard to stop now.
best,
antigua
Posted by muffled on October 5, 2007, at 23:38:59
In reply to Re: Different Take on Integration (long and *csa* trig » muffled, posted by antigua3 on October 5, 2007, at 17:52:27
> thank you for your thoughtful reply.
>
> No, I can't live with it--I'm driven to break through to the blocked feelings because they are still affecting me. It would be easier if someone told me, "No, you're never going to reach them," and then I can give up. But I'm not willing to give up on my own. I've worked too hard to stop now.
> best,
> antigua*ya, thx A, ya I do Ok awhile, then triggers start to get to me :-( and I don't understand WHY? The tiggers are so odd. Makes no sense.
I dunno.
It all just sucks bad.
:-(
M
Posted by muffled on October 5, 2007, at 23:54:08
In reply to Re: OMG so many threads..and I short on time... » muffled, posted by B2chica on October 5, 2007, at 8:31:35
> Hi! MUFFLED!
*HEY!
>
> well, i'll be getting on zyprexa again soon. im in the process of weaning my IRL little one (though im sure she would be fine if we stopped all at once, i think the slow taper is more for me than her) but it will just be a couple more weeks, then pdoc has me starting meds again...i think i might be stalling to. :^)*ya, its kinda sad to stop :-( But mebbe its time....
> i think a nice heavy dose of xanax may prevent switching?? dont know...LOL maybe if i switch to teen shell think shes drunk!!
*LOL!
> yes...under anger she IS a good kid...just no one ever took the time to see that..well now i have MA and work in research in healthcare....so SCREW THEM!*HA!
> Thats ok...cuz i got here on my OWN and i'll be ok with me.*yup, goto trust alla B2 cuz ya, YOU done it, you HERE, you done GOOD!
> good point about dealing with them at their age. i guess i do try to handle them as an adult...but i think its just cuz its SO weird. i mean i feel like a liar!*ya, its weird, but now I am more used to it. But it took me awhile....and there were alot of misunderstandings in the meantime...I understood her SO MUCH better, cuz when I took what she said, and how she reacted to stuff, it was nuts, but made sense if she a kid,....made total sense...that in of itself was weird...
> cuz logically i KNOW it's me... i don't lose long chunks of time...so i figure it must not be true....
*denial, I used to deny and deny, but it kept smacking me in the face, it IS real. I don't deny much anymore, and its better that way.
> but WOW, when they come out...it's SO REAL! they talk the way they do, not like 'i' do at work or anything and the Emotion is SO strong in each of them.
*yup IMHO they ARE real. But then WTF I nuts right?! LOL!
> i'm glad to hear it took you a while for you to accept. i mean its just hard to understand cuz i get all logical...it's me, but not, but it is...but not really, but it IS!!! aaarrggghhh.*man I wish you could read my journal, I said bout the same exact words!
>
> Thank you too muffled.
> for sharing. and for caring (hehe i rhymed)**S'ok, we help each other. And YA! you rhymed! :-)
M
Posted by B2chica on October 8, 2007, at 8:10:18
In reply to Re: OMG so many threads..and I short on time... » B2chica, posted by muffled on October 5, 2007, at 23:54:08
>>*yup IMHO they ARE real. But then WTF I nuts right?! LOL!
LOL!....feels good to laugh about this stuff muffy...thanks!
Posted by antigua3 on October 8, 2007, at 9:00:28
In reply to Different Take on Integration (long and *csa* trig, posted by antigua3 on October 4, 2007, at 12:47:46
Unlike so many of you who are so brave, my pdoc has never seen my kids and my T only once. It was so bad with her that she was going to send me to the hospital, so I guess I learned it wasn't safe. Doesn't mean they aren't there, it's just the conversations are all within.
thanks for all the responses,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on October 8, 2007, at 10:06:53
In reply to P.S., posted by antigua3 on October 8, 2007, at 9:00:28
hi antigua.
it's ok. i honestly think that "they' know when it's ok. and when you're ready. cuz even though i trusted Old T 110%, i think only one actually made it completely out once and didnt' stay long. and T never really new what happened.
so all i can say is...it will happen when it needs to.and i have one that is still 'inside' and will not show herself to others...unless cloaked.
it's interesting because i'm trying to figure her out with these 'new rules'. and it seems that she may be more integrated than the others? because i don't feel a body with her. she's all in my head. but it might be that's what shes for. cuz with teen i feel anger and want to run and hit, little one wants to curl up and cry or be on floor. this one is old lady mystic and philisophical. but she only seems to 'intervene' when i'm about to serisously injure myself. but she intervenes like making myself freeze, its like when she's present i can't move. before in T (old T) she would be present and i just sit there, can't talk but i hear her in my head, i would say i'm catatonic except i have lots going on inside but i'm frozen and look it.
and she is almost more like an observer...but she won't come out to T. infact i never feel her near when i'm in session.
i don't know that she will ever show herself in session...but i don't know that she needs to either.i am very glad that you write about your experience (as the others with dissociative disorders) because in the media it just sounds so matter of fact...and what i'm learning is that it's SO different with everyone. that there are so many levels, and so many responses and understandings.
and each little bit of experience shared from others helps me a little more to understand and accept what is going on with me.thank you a.
b2c.
Posted by muffled on October 8, 2007, at 10:15:20
In reply to P.S., posted by antigua3 on October 8, 2007, at 9:00:28
> Unlike so many of you who are so brave, my pdoc has never seen my kids and my T only once. It was so bad with her that she was going to send me to the hospital, so I guess I learned it wasn't safe. Doesn't mean they aren't there, it's just the conversations are all within.
> thanks for all the responses,
> antigua*I SO NOT brave.
My T has not knowingly seen any of them.
Though she may have wondered one or twice.
Only a coupla times i let one write something.
My convo's are primarily within, and often, even mostly, not so clear.
Mostly I just occ tell t what they thinking.
I don't say much bout it.
And this is pretty recent.
:-( I'm sorry bout what happened with your T :-(
But she DIDN'T send you?
So I guess thats good.
Trust takes time.
And it don't take much to break it, then you gotta either rebuild or move on.
But i think its entirely possible for some to do their own internal work, with T along to keep stable.
Its all so very confusing.
And to me its all so normal really.
Sometimes I just don't 'get' how others must feel, just as I guess others wouldn't 'get' me (if they knew).
You write good stuff A.
I'm glad you here.
M
Posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 10:39:13
In reply to Re: P.S. » antigua3, posted by muffled on October 8, 2007, at 10:15:20
I am not brave either, I think I only trust T because a dear friend does. The little one in me will trust T because my dear friend S trusts her. Sally like us has her issues, is a doctor and has been in therapy for years. T is her patient so she knows T stuff. So only on that basis can I trust her with this stuff plus if I don't I might not be here. I might disappear. You guys know the feeling. It is too overwhelming and like T says dissociation stops working at some point and then you spiral. I am spiraling. Today I am in a weird place.
Do you guys notice different handwritings T said that is another very indictive sign. Each alter can have a different handwriting because most people handwriting basically stays the same with only variations if they are tired or sick. My handwriting have always been different and I thought I was weird. ONe of mine is getting closer to the surface, I can feel it now. It makes me nervous now. I am very nervous now. I am thinking my family will freak. But I decided I can't let that deter me. Even if after this is over I have to live alone. I have hidden long enough and conformed to enough people that had too much control over me. I am tired of living in shadows. Unless I choose to live there. I still have loads of conversation in my head. Probably always well. I thought everyone did. Little one demands it. Or she freaks and that isn't good. She is present alot. The one that is lurking near I am not sure I like her. So I am now brave, but I have to be ready if I can live and grow so that is why I feel I have to trust someone. I guess I am trying to say I have reached a point where I feel I must or else. You know. But I understand how some of the rest of you feel. It is so hard......
Posted by antigua3 on October 8, 2007, at 10:45:36
In reply to Re: P.S. » antigua3, posted by muffled on October 8, 2007, at 10:15:20
She gave me some choices (it was 11 pm when this all came down):
1. I could go to the hospital
2. I could call my husband (or she would) and tell him about it so he would be ready when I got home
3. I could sleep on her office floorShe just wouldn't let me out of there until she felt I was safe.
I chose option 2, but it just made my husband mad. He had no clue.
antigua
Posted by B2chica on October 8, 2007, at 11:13:03
In reply to Re: P.S., posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 10:39:13
yes, yes and YES. i have always had varied handwriting...i guess i always thought i was just weird or that i couldn't decide on how to write. some times i print everything too...
and reading you are very brave. you can do what you need to RK.
and i really understand the MUST trust someone...or else..feeling.i think sometimes that's what it takes. when i started 'coming out' to this T. i don't know that i even had a choice...i think my insides were just tired of the 'game'. that they needed to come out and express and tell.
but it's taken me years rk (and others). it's taken me a very long time to get here.i hope you are doing ok RK.
Posted by B2chica on October 8, 2007, at 11:16:28
In reply to Re: P.S. » muffled, posted by antigua3 on October 8, 2007, at 10:45:36
antigua...does your DH know of your dx? does he know any of your history?
i'm just curious if that/s why he was mad...my DH as much as i love him, it's just not safe for me to tell him either this new Dx or my history. so i do understand. cuz often my DH gets so flustered that i'm still seeing T. but he doesn't know, so he can't understand. sometimes i wish dearly that i could trust to tell him. but there is too much of my life that will turn upside down if i do and right now i need stability. i need to not have to worry about his questions and just deal with all mine.
i'm sorry you were struggling but i'm Very glad your T was looking out for you. and sometimes i would have liked to have taken option 3 at my old T's office :)
Posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 12:47:28
In reply to Re: P.S. » muffled, posted by antigua3 on October 8, 2007, at 10:45:36
I have been trying to break it to my husband gently. I printed stuff off the internet and he read it. No comment. He said go to therapy and try to get well. He is trying but when I comment on Sat I think about my inner child, I forgot who I was talking to, he looked at me strange but didn't say anything. So who knows if he is ready. Again, I have spent my life worrying about everyone else, and I am to tired, and anxious to continue. Besides, I think that it is all coming one way or another.
I am one that has lost HUGE chunks of time and been wearing different clothes. I have had clothes in my closet I don't really remmeber buying or vaguely remember. Maybe picked it up right before switching.
Also, my T said the migraines or headaches are part and parcel of switching. Another thing I am remembering is that research has shown that those with DID use a significant larger portion of the brain than most. And that whatever caused the DID to develop is unique to the person that you can't teach it and the population is so small because of the degree of intelligence needed for brain to be able to section itself off and still maintain functioning parts. She said that it tramuma that causes it must occur prior to the age of 5 for the most part or usually a different DX will usually result. All of this made so much sense. For me, it helped to understand this and I think she knew I needed to know this with all my hunting for information because what I had found had not given me enough specifics. Again, sorry if I keep throwing things out, just that this is how I am remembering them.
The hunk of time lost has been troubling over the years, and this is why I chose to hide everything from everyone I knew. They are called fugues. I must use the right word I guess. Anyway, they are frightening at first, but now I am kinda of used to it. Mine are evoluting. I don't always disappear, I am sort of still around and have some memory of what happens now. Never before. I still can dissociate too. So I guess that goes too as you integrate. I am not sure I want that to go away.........I must think about that. I am feeling strange today. Some bad thoughts I think from one of the the others. Unsettling.
Posted by antigua3 on October 8, 2007, at 18:31:42
In reply to Re: P.S. » antigua3, posted by B2chica on October 8, 2007, at 11:16:28
yes, my DH knows alot about my history. He doesn't want to know the details, and that's OK, but I can tell him if he's doing something that triggers me, he will stop.
He just doesn't understand why I'm not over it yet, and why I'm still in therapy. But I also come back with, "Well, aren't I doing so much better?" and he always agrees. It's just always a fight about money because my insurance is so cheap about reimbursement.
Buthe likes my T and has spoken to her many times; and been in with me to see her over the years.
I told him because he needed to know, IMO, why I responded the way I did, or why I became depressed, etc.
antigua
Posted by RealMe on October 8, 2007, at 21:20:45
In reply to P.S., posted by antigua3 on October 8, 2007, at 9:00:28
Gosh; I am so sorry to hear this antigua3. Have you explained things to your T. Does your T not know how to work with Dissociative Identity Disorder? How is she going to help if she does not realize this is not something to go to the hospital for.
RealMe
Posted by RealMe on October 8, 2007, at 21:25:17
In reply to Re: P.S., posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 10:39:13
Yes; I used to have the different handwritings even within the same letter I would write to my doctor in the hospital. I have those letters now, the ones I wrote to him, and I should look at them for clues. One of these days I will write of my experiences. I owe it to old T from Menninger's. He gave me access to all my records because he wanted me to do it. He may no longer be alive but he will know somehow when I do it. I can see him smiling now. Oh sh*t, have to stop; I am starting to cry. Sorry.
RealMe
Posted by muffled on October 8, 2007, at 22:30:43
In reply to Re: P.S. » muffled, posted by antigua3 on October 8, 2007, at 10:45:36
I would proly have chosen #2 also.
But #3 got its appeal!
My hubby knows I goto T.
He has met T at least 1x.
He has no clue really.
He once said to me, were you abused or something.
I said I dunno.
Thats bout it.
Hubby of course knows bout hospitalizations as we were living together.
I don't tell him much.
Don't think he would understand.
Fortunately for me I am not so split, so its not as hard for me as it is for others, but I still am able to understand alot more than your average joe might.
Like B2 said, part of the difficulty with DD is that they ARE so broad. But at least we have here, where we have some understanding of each other, and DAMN, its a good thing.
Thanks guys.
M
Posted by antigua3 on October 9, 2007, at 6:52:24
In reply to Re: P.S. » antigua3, posted by RealMe on October 8, 2007, at 21:20:45
You certainly have a point. I will discuss it with her, as there have been times when I would like the little ones to talk so I don't have to interpret--so she would get the raw feelings.
that night was bad, though, and it had to do with me agreeing to keep myself safe, which I couldn't seem to do.
thanks,
antigua
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